TTC your first, but not your partner's first?

[iswhatis]

Is anyone else in this situation, that they are trying to conceive their first child, but it's not their partner's first as he/she has a child/ren from a previous relationship?

How do you feel? What are your worries?

We're on our 3rd cycle of ttc (after WTT for ages) and I am starting to get over the loss of 'firsts' with my partner, after a lot of kind advice and stories of experience. Sometimes it does hit me though and I often think of saying to DP, 'I don't want to know anything about her pregnancy, her birth, or her baby!'. Just knowing they conceived first cycle has been enough to make me feel inadequate, obsessive and upset. I think these feelings are completely normal though. Would you rather not know the details of his/her previous experience?

I'm starting to feel quite anxious about the change of dynamic as DSS is an only child (of essentially 4 parents as the mother remarried a childless man) and - how shall I say - a very indulged only child - and gets jealous of DP even giving attention to a dog instead of him!

I'm also worried about the Ex and how she might start to make DP's life difficult as she tends to do so at any available opportunity (for what it's worth, I was not OW and the ex left DP for another man). I sometimes feel resentful that she got to go though this with my DP without any of the added stresses that I have.

Again, for what it's worth, I own my choice to be with a man with a child, though I think until you are truly faced with some of the struggles that this entails you can't really know how certain scenarios will feel or the personal changes or experiences you will go through. I don't feel guilty or ashamed of my feelings and concerns - I acknowledge them and invite you to share your own if you are in the same situation.

Hey @iswhatis I’m not txt at the moment but me and the OH are wanting to try next year! He already had a DS with his Ex and I feel exactly the same, they caught first time unplanned and she had a lovely pregnancy and easy birth, he’s said before how great she was with it all and just makes me scared that I’m going to be the exact opposite!!

His Ex also tries to control every part of our lives still and I’m scared she will be even worse once we start TTC 😞😞 and what effect it will have on the children even though me and DSS have an amazing relationship and we are a great team

At the end of the day you and your child are nothing to do with his Ex and it should stay that way, yes her child is in your life as it’s your partners child too but your child does not need to involved with her life at all.

Just try and stay positive as your DSC will love your baby none the less

I am pregnant with my first, my partner already has a 12 year old son. I know what you mean about missing out on the “firsts” as I found that hard when I first met him. However the reverse of that is that I have the benefit of being with someone who knows what it’s like to be a parent, who isn’t going to suddenly get freaked out by how hard it is and do a runner and who knows what a woman’s body looks like after childbirth! I find it very reassuring to know that he has done this before and is choosing to have a child with full understanding of what life with a newborn is like.

I also remind myself regularly that every baby is different and just because this one isn’t his first it doesn’t mean it won’t be just as special - it’s his first with ME. His ex had already had two children before so had a very quick and easy birth. With me it’ll be the first time so it will be a very different experience and I will be needing a lot more support from him.

I also had the joy of my partner telling me that he and his ex had conceived in the first month of trying (why do they do that?!) which was hard when it didn’t happen straight away for us, however I know that was just random good luck and now that I’m pregnant it doesn’t bother me. I think you would be quite reasonable to ask your partner not to tell you lots of details about his ex’s pregnancy/labour if it’s making you uncomfortable to hear it.

Good luck with the ttc and don’t worry if it takes a little while - it took us seven months in the end.