Should we marry before ttc?

[AngelsAckiz]

I've always been pretty against the institution of marriage. My mum married 3 times and was abused and my dad married 4 times.

I don't like the sexist traditions and I don't like the idea of losing my name or being called "the wife".

However, I am deeply in love with my dp and we have been together for 4 years and been TTC for 1 year.

I would love to commit to him but not under the sexist traditions associated. I have no issue with other people and marriage. It's totally a personal choice and I love a good wedding!

It's mainly fear for me. Up till the late nineties, rape was legal in marriage and domestic violence was not a matter for the police. Who's to say the law won't change again in the future? Not saying for a second my man would do such a thing. I'm saying why would I enter into a contract where the terms can change at a government level?

I'm concerned about my legal rights and tax and pension etc. Also we are both very romantic at heart and have discussed it. I have no idea if dp intends to ask me. But I was reading a thread on here about marriage and it got me thinking about security in the event of death or separation.

I am very torn on the matter.

What are you reasons for or against marriage?

If you and he are completely agreed to be fully equal in all things related to parenting - you go back to work after 6 months at which point he will take 6 months parental leave. You will keep your career going and you will each be independently responsible for 50% of all the effort of childcare and household management (including pickups and dropoffs, planning and emotional labour, play dates and birthday party arrangements - everything) and a fair proportion of the childcare and household management costs (done by income not 50:50 as it would be massively unfair for a higher earning partner to have masses more disposable income than the other) - then by all means don't get married (though getting some paperwork drawn up to make each other your legal next-of-kin and making sure you both have your wills written shouldn't be dispensed with)

If you can't be 100% sure your partnership will achieve that level of equality then it's nuts to jeopardise your own and your children's future by agreeing to bring children into the world without the basic protection of marriage.

What surname would you have if you got married? What about a hypothetical baby?
I personally do not want a different surname to my children so it would have to be a double barreled name if we did not marry. How would your OH feel about it?

Marriage is what you make it. It doesn't mean you want the 1950s back. I didn't take DH's name.
A quick registrar ceremony is the cheapest way of doing the legal stuff. Nobody even needs to know.

Oh and I have a different surname to my children and it doesn't bother me. Their birth certificates have my name plus AKA my 'married name'.

Thanks for your replies. We both work in our small business from home so there would be no maternity leave as such, as we are self employed.

He already has an incredibly long hyphenated name and although I adore his doubled barrelled surname, I chose my own name in my early twenties, different from my birth surname.

My idea is that the child would have my surname if a girl and his if a boy. We've even discussed creating a brand new surname. Something modern which reflects our feminist views and interests hehe.

Not sure he is up for actually getting rid of his name though.

We own no property and live frugally so we don't own much else either. But we are deeply in love with each other and we do want to spend the rest of our lives together.

A civil partnership would be preferable. But like I say, it's the legalities I'm more interested in but no next to nothing about.