Would you talk to a good friend about her decision to delay ttc?

[marthamay]

hi there,

Me and my very close friend both had our first two children in our late 20's early 30s - both of us fell pregnant pretty easily each time. We both then got cracking with being mums and careers etc. Both of us have talked on and off through the past few years about whether or not to try and have a third child. Well, late last year we both separately came to the decision to try for a third and we have had discussions many times about it. I am now 36 (nearly 37) and she is 37. Me and my dh have now been trying for a couple of months, but she and her dh have decided that they are going to postpone ttc until after a family holiday next year, when she is 38 and dh is 40. I know she feels a little uncertain about whether this is a good idea to wait, but a bit stuck.
Since I have decided to ttc seriously - I have been quite struck with the brutal reality that it may be much much harder at this end of our 30's than it was when we first conceived. I am prepared to be fatalistic about it and very grateful for my two dc. I have since looked at a lot of stats and read a lot of forum posts and even started looking at research articles (I work as a researcher in a University so it is hard not to go down that route!).
I guess I feel uncertain about whether to talk to her about whether her decision to postpone ttc (mainly at the wish of her dh I should add) for a holiday is a sensible one. I don't want to step on any toes and I don't want to assume that she hasn't done her own research on it - but in my mind I keep thinking "Is a holiday really worth it!?'
I know that I was pretty naive a few months ago, sort of assuming that a bfp would happen at the drop of a hat (and it still might - I realise that it's a very real possibility that they might conceive naturally first time!) - but I have this niggling feeling that maybe I should have a conversation with her about it so that she can really make a proper informed decision.
Gah! What would you ladies do?
Me and Friend have a wonderful and honest open relationship - I am just cautious about this particular topic - what would a good friend do????

Thanks @MaryShelley, yes you are right. Very glad I took the time to get my worries out of my head here rather than taking them to her. Congratulations on your little DS! I'm so glad for you that it was a positive and relatively simple experience.

I would never think my friend is stupid! Like I said before - knowledge of conception is variable and patchy once you get outside of conception and fertility boards. I know SO MUCH more now than I did two months ago, because it is suddenly personally relevant information. I don't think that the facts you know about conception equate to your level of intelligence. Much of what I have learnt recently is new to me and has been a real eye opener (I didn't know about low ovarian reserve for example).

My husbands knowledge of fertility is pretty, um....basic..... but I don't think he is stupid - he's just never really needed to self-educate.

I have already decided to keep my thoughts to myself regarding her situation, as I think you are all dead right.

I am genuinely interested (not really in relation to my friend, but for my own processing) whether the people who have commented who found it relatively easy to conceive in their late 30s early 40s are able to imagine a scenario where it just didn't happen, and they just didn't have their little one now - whether that perspective would alter their previous life choices in any way. I know that other-perspective taking is quite a difficult exercise!

For me, if it doesn't happen - I'm totally prepared for that and it will be very sad, but just life. I would not change anything and would not have tried to conceive any earlier, even if I had known (was not mentally and physically strong enough for it).

It depends on your friendship but I don't see the harm in talking about it.

My good friends are my good friends because we tell eachother stuff we don't necessarily want to hear.

'Are you sure its a good idea to quit your job, why dont you try sticking it out till X?'
'Yes she is looking a bit chubby, but good on you for noticing, have you tried...'

She's under no obligation to listen.

Just to clarify some ongoing themes:

• I never intended myself and friend ttc together at the same time. This has never come into my decision making or hers. It's a strange concept to think you could plan that anyhow! Of course, it's quite a nice thought, but genuinely only occurred to me when someone on this thread mentioned it....so no - I'm not desperate to have pregnancy buddy or anything like that. Maybe this is something I would have thought about when I was much younger? Maybe...? But no, not my motivation.

• No I do not think that people who don't know much about fertility are stupid. I do not think my friend is stupid. I do not think that she doesn't know (in the basic sense) that fertility declines with age.

I do know that she DOES holds these very natural assumptions (and I do not think these assumptions make her stupid) :

• That because she got pregnant quickly for the first two times, her fertility is proven and she will find it easy again.

-That fertility does not decline much until you are over 40 or are close to menopause.

My motivation for even CONSIDERING (the operative word here people) talking to her was because: she is very very upset about her husband constantly pushing things back for one reason or another. I'm not sure that he realises fully what he is asking her. Because having a third child is very very important to her and, because I love her and want her to have the best chance of having a baby, if that's what is really important to her.

My motivation/consideration is decidedly not because I want a pregnancy buddy or because I think my friend is stupid.

I would never think my friend is stupid! Like I said before - knowledge of conception is variable and patchy once you get outside of conception and fertility boards

how patronising. Maybe you’re knowledgeable was “variable” but that doesn’t mean everyone else’s is.

I do know that she DOES holds these very natural assumptions (and I do not think these assumptions make her stupid) :
- That because she got pregnant quickly for the first two times, her fertility is proven and she will find it easy again.
-That fertility does not decline much until you are over 40 or are close to menopause.

For many, many women that it true though. You’re not getting a representative sample on the conception/fertility boards.

@camomila Thanks so much for a different point of view!!! Yes - it does totally depend on your friendship.
I have really appreciated the advice of good friends in the past, sometimes it is really important! The only times I've ever thought that people are being intrusive or offensive is when I wasn't that close to them and felt they didn't know me enough to justify commenting on my life.

I'm talking about a very close friend, who confides a lot to me about every aspect of her life - and that's why I am aware of her thought processes on this matter.

However - I am conscious that she and I might have different ways of approaching things - I like to research heavily and know everything. She may prefer to be a happy optimist. Neither approach is going to change how fast we are able to get up the duff!!! So probably, just chatting about my experiences is the best way - then I'm not projecting my own fears and insecurities unnecessarily....

@purpledaisies There is nothing wrong with variable information. It just means that people have different ideas. I'm sorry if you felt that was patronising.

You haven’t addressed my point that people on the conception/fertility boards are more likely to be struggling so you’re not getting an accurate picture of how difficult/easy it is to conceive.

@purpledaisies Yes, you're right, those assumptions are not untrue - and I've been binge-reading too many mn threads! Here's hoping that it is true for both of us.

I do think people are right when they say that these boards tend to be filled by people who are struggling and therefore not really representative of the bigger picture. The very vast majority of people will not have any problems conceiving and it’s likely that both you and your friend will have a third baby (hopefully xx)
I did the same at 39 though and absolutely panicked and was convinced it would never happen. Tbh if I hadn’t been able to I would have been absolutely devastated. Me and DP only got together less than 2yrs ago though so having children earlier simply wasn’t an option (ex-H didn’t want any).
I will be eternally grateful for my DS and every single day appreciate how lucky I am. Fingers crossed we’ll be able to have a sibling for him but we’re not going to try until Christmas as we’re getting married in December and also have other priorities. Just like your friend though, even though I know fertility declines we have had to decide what’s the best timing for our existing family x

Thanks again everyone for the responses - it's been very helpful and also made me reflect a bit on why I'm feeling so fearful.
I'm now sure that I'm not going to comment on anything to her and be as supportive as I can about any decision she makes about plans for ttc.

If I don't get back to this thread to respond to any further comments, it's not because I'm ignoring, there's just a bit of a family crisis going down at the moment and I feel quite distracted by this thread when I really should be concentrating on what's going on here!

If anyone has felt particularly triggered or cross by this thread, possibly due to past experiences of meddling friends or family commenting on your fertility - I'm sorry that you have had that experience and I appreciate you expressing it to me. It's important to me that I don't make my friend feel like that.

To people who have had an easy time ttc in their late 30s and 40s - that's so lovely to hear these positive stories - I hope that it is much the same for me and my friend.