Should I keep trying for second baby?

[flump1or2]

Hi all. I have read many threads and they have been so helpful, but wanted to create a new one for my situation, so as not to jump on someone else's and make it all about me. This is my first post so sorry if it gets a bit long winded!
We have a beautiful just turned 4 year old who we love more than anything, my best friend (although she can drive me insane at times!) and are trying for our second. DD1 took 13 months to conceive naturally and we are now on month 13 of trying for our second child. I have been so excited all along at the thought of another, although a bit scared about going back to the baby stage again and sleepless nights. But the last 3 months or so finding out I'm not pregnant have been upsetting and all of a sudden the last few days (I am on cd10 of a 31 day cycle) I have started to wonder whether we should just stick with 1. (Husband is an only child, I am a twin by the way). These are mainly for selfish reasons, such as life would be so much easier having one to deal with, our life will no longer be on hold (could go to Disneyland next year, I can look for a new job etc.), we will be less stressed. But DD1 wants a baby soooo much and I worry about her growing up as an only child lonely, and I don't know if our family feels complete yet. She calls it "our baby" and asks when it is coming a lot. The other day I asked how she would feel if it was just the three of us because sometimes you can only have one baby etc. and she got upset, saying she didn't want to be the only child in the house and she wants a brother or sister to look after and give a dummy to and play with. She even said she loves our friend's babies but can they live with us so they can become our baby, if we can't have our own. This broke my heart and makes me think what a great big sister she will be. Anyway I THINK I am coming round to the idea of having one in case we can't have any more, if it doesn't happen, and because I am thinking of the easy life not having to go through babyhood again. If only I could fast forward to baby number 2 at age 2 lol. Sorry, I must sound so selfish, but basically we love how life is easier now that she is older and more fun, with us having a bit more freedom to do things. Should we give it a few more months (my husband wants to keep trying)? I would really love to change jobs (worked here over 10 years) but feel like I am stuck at the moment and seeing the age gap get bigger the longer I am not pregnant, so it is playing on my mind. I am so torn. One minute I'm "yes stick with 1" and the next feel awful at the thought of depriving her of a brother or sister. Any advice would be greatly received, from both sides. I just can't stop thinking about it and was in tears earlier in the toilets at work. Thank you

Why is your DD so involved in you trying to conceive?! We only have 1 (through choice) but if we did decide to have a second it would never have been mentioned to anyone because it's private.

I feel for you, I am in a similar situation about having a second baby. We want one but it's not happening and I'm now coming around to the idea that it might not happen. Same worries re work, timing, only child etc.

The only thing I would say is that your four year old is a child. They get so many notions in their heads and if it came to it your little girl could hate having a sibling, you just don't know. You can't let her views shape this decision. Your DD sounds very loved and is in a good family unit, she will be ok if there is no sibling. I don't think I'd be investing so much in discussing it with her.

I hope you are ok. This ttc business can be very upsetting. I'm currently waiting on my period, I feel like giving up and just getting on with life so to speak. Hugs to you.. x

I’ve been trying for over two years for my second and I’m on the verge of giving up. It sucks, doesn’t it?

It sure does Sparkwood, we are trying since DD1 was six months old, she's over 3 now. Not a problem conceiving her, I was 34 then, 38 now which I think could be my problem.

Nquartz it is because she asks so much when she can have a brother or sister and I say "hopefully soon". That was even before we started trying. She doesn't know any details. I know it isn't up to her and I would never have one just because she wants one, as she is only 4. We have always wanted 2 children because we want another baby and be a family of 4 (until my recent doubts).

Thanks LuciaSpain. I asked her purely because of reading other threads some children are fine not having a sibling or aren't fussed either way, so I thought I'd see her initial reaction to the thought of just being 3 of us. I changed the subject quickly and carried on reading her book but she kept interrupting the story and asking about it, so it wasn't meant to be a long discussion with her and I'm not planning on bringing it up again. Was just to test the waters and I know she would get over it.

I feel for you too, and SparkwoodAnd21. it is so hard. You think great I have a child already, it will happen again easily, but then after trying for a while all sorts of thoughts pop into your head. You question everything. I was fine at first, thinking next month it will happen. Now I'm not so sure. Have either of you been to the doctor's yet? I haven't, but really I probably should. Am taking vitamin B-50 complex and using ovulation sticks now.

I've been on Clomid 50mg and now Clomid 100mg, still no joy. No problems with either of us, I've mild PCOS. I seem to be reacting well to Clomid 100mg, as my progesterone test was good but still no BFP.

I've tried being easy going about it to tracking everything. I'm just sick of it.

Like you I always saw us as a family of 4, ideally I'd love a sibling for DD and we'd love another baby too. Although as you said fast forward the early years, not looking forward to that again. We do worry too that we were lucky to have a healthy DD and are we tempting faith now. It would all wreck your head.

Glad to hear you are reacting well to Clomid 100mg, let's hope you get your BFP very soon! How long did it take from initial doctor's appointment to be prescribed Clomid? What tests did they do?

I agree. At first we just "tried" every 2-3 days with no ovulation sticks etc., but then I wanted to check I was actually ovulating, although apparently you could be getting ready to and then an egg isn't actually released or the eggs could be unhealthy (I have googled a lot!).

I just either want to get pregnant now or if I knew I couldn't/would need IVF or something, then we could stop trying and accept we are a family of 3. I know 13 months isn't that long in comparison, but we put off trying last year because we booked a holiday and then found out it has a risk of Zika virus, where you have to wait 6 months after your return before trying to conceive. We had paid it all off so couldn't cancel. It delayed things by over a year and now another year of no BFP, so feels like a lot longer.

Totally agree with being sick of it, it feels like it has taken over my life. Really hope you get your BFP soon and your family is complete.

I think when you are used to taking control of your life, TTC is very difficult, I've that type of a personality.

I had all the usual hormone tests, my egg reserve, DH had a sperm test.
I was put on Clomid 50mg by my GP as I was over 35 and we had been trying for 6 months. I had 3 months of that. The gyne then put me on another 3 months of 50mg. I took a number of months off then as I was actually sick of it and said just leave things be, I actually got pregnant last year but had a missed miscarriage. I was put on Clomid 100mg two months ago. I had the day 21 progesterone test this cycle and it was very high which is a good indicator that I am reacting well to this Clomid. I have had spotting so I think my period is on the way.

I am tired of the despair I get when my AF comes. I shake myself every month but it's taking its toll.

Meant to say our tests had come back all normal prior to being put on Clomid.

So sorry to hear about the missed miscarriage. You have been through it! Hope it's not your period and it is implantation bleeding but you have probably got past the symptom spotting stage now and just think the worst. I know I will be like that from now on, after thinking I had some definite signs last month.

It's true, you just think in the end, what is the point? Shall I just accept that this isn't meant to be? Then you read about someone's success story and it gives you a bit of hope again, then you are disappointed when AF comes. But remember it can and may well happen when you last expect it. Have you given yourself a cut-off point or will you keep trying?

I have one more month of Clomid 100mg, then back to the gyne. Next step would be IUI where they track ovulation and they input the sperm, I think I'd try that. We won't be doing IVF though, we have always said that and we will stick to that. Slowly I am coming around to the fact that 1 baby is my lot in life and I'm extremely lucky at that.

What about you? Have you a cut off point?

I think if you do stay a family of 3 and have tried everything, then that is the best you can do and you can explain that to your little one when older. You won't need to feel guilty or have that nagging doubt that maybe you should have given your child a sibling, as it is out of your hands and not meant to be. It is true that you have a lovely child already and that can be enough.

That is my worry, that if we give up now and I regret it, it may be too late. Because it was my choice, not nature's. It's different if I was certain I didn't want any more or say had never wanted more than one, I could live with that decision. But I am 50/50 so should maybe go to the doctor next month and if nothing is medically wrong, decide how much longer to try. Maybe give ourselves another 6 months-a year. We are both 32 so not old for a second, but still older than before, and have both put on weight in the last 4 years and probably have too much alcohol on a weekend, which can't be helping! Have put my husband on vitamins as well, in case he has anything wrong with his sperm, and I even had some Reiki last month. I don't know why I am scared to go to the doctor, but need to do it. I suppose it's all the questions and I feel like they will just send me away and say keep trying.

@flump1or2 I'm sorry it's taking so long to get your second baby. I agree to a degree with some other people, you can't let your little girl decide for you. It needs to be something you and your other half decide. Maybe stop "trying" and just see what happens? You could also think about a pet for you little one. That's something that's hers that she can care for and look after. But they do get random ideas in their heads and become insistent on them. Wish you all the luck in the world on making this decision. Either way its your decision. Xx

Thank you and that’s a good idea about a pet. Another thing she is always asking for but we have said no for now. So maybe if it doesn’t work out with a baby for whatever reason, that could be the compromise. Finally plucked up th courage to call the doctor and it is closed for training this afternoon. Will try again in the morning. Thanks for replying x

At 4, I wanted a sibling. Got one 18months later, hated it, wished she'd go away. 30years later and we've never been close.

So don't have another unless you really really want another!

🌷🌼🦋🌺to you all xx🤞🤞

Oh no, really? My little one does love being the centre of attention with us (shy with people she doesn’t know), so do think she’d get a bit jealous. But that is only natural to some extent. I guess it’s a gamble on how they will get on!

Thanks lynmilne66! Xx

Sorry, I'm back again. So yesterday I thought let's go for it and keep trying, especially as my husband would like to. When I told him last night he said he had started to come round to the idea of only one and all the things we could do now. I said I wished he'd told me earlier lol. So now I'm back to keep life as it is, only have our daughter. The thought of giving away all the baby stuff and clothes once we make that final decision will be so hard, so final. But at the same time all he stuff we have in the house stresses me out so it would be a relief.
Basically we really found the baby stage hard. I said I felt like I'd been hit by a bus. Don't get me wrong, I adored her and could stare at her all day, and loved that little noise of her glugging her milk. But I also remember the repetitive days and you feel like you're not getting much back, and when they start walking and just run everywhere, so you can't relax going out. I can't say I enjoyed my maternity leave all that much at times, I got bored (now I wish I had more time with her at this age, I cry at the thought of her going to school). It used to make us stressed and we are really really enjoying life now that we have a bit more freedom and can have proper conversations with her and go to places she really enjoys. We love our little family and it feels like a light at the end of the tunnel since about age 2.5 and it has just kept getting better. Do I want to ruin that by bringing another baby into the mix? Even now she can stress me out at times, being cheeky and she is very stubborn. We both work (me 4 days a week) and life is so busy fitting everything in that I can get stressed when I'm trying to get her ready in the morning or for bed and she won't open her mouth to brush her teeth, just messes about. Don't get me wrong sometimes it is funny, we are always laughing, but when I have 5 mins to get out the door it's not. If there are 2 to get ready, I'd need to get up even earlier and my husband find's the nursery morning's stressful and we sometimes argue because he ends up shouting at her. Not all the time, but when she is in a bad mood (not a morning person) and just won't get ready. We have always looked forward to when she got older, like the age she is now, as it is much more fun and will continue to be (minus teenage years!) and the thought of going back to baby hood again petrifies me. We have a good friend with a 1 year old and I'd think since she was born "thank god that's not us. remember those days?" and then I'd remember "oh but it will be us again" and a bit of dread would come over me.
Anyway sorry for the essay, just wanted to give more context to my fears and reasons for now thinking of having one.

And they are all really valid fears you have. I could have written that post about they first two years, it's tough and I think I'm better at it now that she is getting older, although I too felt like I was hit by a bus and I do wonder if number two would be easier as I am now a mum so to speak. It took me a while to adapt to motherhood that's for sure.

I was only thinking earlier that I really want to continue to enjoy my DD now and not have this time in her life all about ttc.

AF arrived yesterday and unlike other months I didn't go into despair, I'm really starting to absorb that this may not happen and life will still be good.

Let your thoughts settle for yourself for now, you don't have to start throwing out baby clothes, that can be another step.

Thank you, I'm glad I am not alone. I spoke to my mum about it and she said that we shouldn't feel guilty if we decide to stop. We have tried for this long and it hasn't happened, so we need to do what is best for us and our little girl would get over it. I know it's true, but sometimes you need someone else to tell you. I think I am just an indecisive person and something as big as this, I'm scared of regret, but I think you can have regrets whatever you do. I wish we didn't have a choice in a way, that sounds childish I know.

It is so true what you say about enjoying your DD. I felt like the other day when I decided (temporarily before changing my mind again yesterday) I didn't want another, that a weight was lifted and I could just enjoy her. I felt free. At the moment I enjoy her but think "god I won't have this time to give one day, I'll be too busy with a baby" and it takes over. I think I'm a bit of a control freak lol. So yes, enjoy your DD, you can't get this time back and you want to have happy memories. If the IUI works, then great, but if not then know that you have a perfect family already and can move on with your life.

That is a good sign you didn't get really upset yesterday, and if in the next few months you get a BFP it will be a bonus! Really hope you get it, as I can see you still want another baby, but if it isn't meant to be then you are more prepared for it now.

Come back anytime flump to chat about it. x

I can totally relate op. I've not been trying for very long and my lo is only 15 months but, as I had a very complicated pregnancy with terrible HG and my ds arrived 10 weeks early, I'm so torn about ttc #2.

Each cycle we try, I get all excited, I can almost imagine my life with my new lo, I symptom spot, I test obsessivly, and then, when its a bfn, I feel both disappointed and secretly relieved. It's such an emotional rollercoaster!

I feel like work is going well, financially we are finally back on track and things have finally got esier health-wise for my ds; it just seems crazy to add a new lo to the mix!!

At the same time my heart really wants another. I wish I could know if we would have another prem baby or not and/or if I would get so horribly sick during pregnancy as this might help my decision. One thing I've learned too is that even the most stressful, difficult situations do pass and that having a lovely, healthy, happy ds is just wonderful. If I could have 2 I would feel incredibly lucky.

I sometimes wish someone else could decide for me!

I think I’ve started to accept the idea I’m going to have to give up. I’m so sad about it but there’s nothing I can do. I’ve been to the doctor and had tests and a HyCoSy. They won’t give me clomid and we aren’t going to have ivf so I suppose that’s that. I so wanted another and for DS so have a sibling.

Your not alone, my boys 4.5 and keeps saying he wants a brother or sister and the hubby has been broody for a second for years. After a whoops xmas time, we thought bugger it lets just try. Ive got pregnant almosy every month and recurrent miscarriages are taking their toll in every way possible. My boy is looked after by family and we have child care down to a T, i recently changed jobs so we're in the best position for money weve probably ever been in. My nan and grandad said they wouldnt be able to look after a second due to their age which i fully accept and understand but i dont think its fair to have another if i cant offer it the same as our boy. We decided part way through the month, as disapointed as we are, to stop now. So just waiting for Af on Tuesday to make sure i havent caught this month (which would be sods law!) And well call it a day x