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Conception

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The wait before TTC

3 replies

Kimberley93 · 06/07/2018 12:36

Hi everyone,

I’m very new to all of this and would really appreciate some advice.

DH and I have been together for six years (married for 2 months), have our own home and have stable jobs. I am desperate to have children, as silly as it sounds all I’ve ever really wanted was to be a mum. I’ve been ready but waited for years wanting to make sure the baby is born into a stable environment where we can provide everything he/she will need. We’re finally at this point and I really want to start TTC, DH has agreed to start TTC next month because he knows how much I want to. But he’s confessed that he feels rushed though he believes he’ll feel ready by the time the baby arrives. He said he’d prefer to wait until next year but has openly admitted his indifference - he wants kids but wouldn’t be bothered if we waited many years and has said that by the time next year arrives he may still not feel ready and want to push back trying again. I feel like he’ll never be ready until the baby arrives and the thought if waiting another year is agonising, we’ve always said we’ll have children but I can’t help think he wouldn’t care if we didn’t, I know he’ll be an amazing father because of how he is with the babies and kids in his family. I’m so conflicted, I want to start trying TTC asap as I know it can take a long time but neither do i want him to resent me for rushing him. We’re young, I’m 24 and he’s 27 so we have plenty of time but I’m so consumed by my desire to have a baby that I honestly think I’ll go mad if I have to wait much longer! We’ve been living together for 2 and a half years and married life hasn’t changed anything for us so the ‘enjoying married life before kids’ doesn’t really apply to us.

Sorry for the essay, any advice would be greatly appreciated!

OP posts:
MrsAJG · 06/07/2018 14:25

This is a really difficult situation and quite similar to the one me and DH are in, except its the other way around...

Im 28, he's 29, been together for 5 years, brought our house 2 and a half years ago and been married for just over a year. Having babies was always part of the plan and something we talked about quite often, but in the context of 'once we've brought a house' and 'once we're married' etc.

Well all of a sudden here we are, enjoying married life and living together, we find ourselves in the exact situation we always wanted to be in when we decided to start a family. DH was desperate to start trying and for some strange reason all of a sudden I just didn't feel ready, which I did and still do find myself feeling incredibly guilty about.

The reality of it is that although you might have planned to get to a certain point in your life before you start trying for a family, until you are actually in that situation you just don't quite know how you are going to feel or if you will feel ready. My advice would be to give DH some breathing space and not mention it for a while, enjoy being married, spend lots of quality time together and plan a few nice holidays. This will give you something else to focus on in the mean time rather than being consumed by the thought of trying for a baby.

In the end I'm sure your DH will come round, and will appreciate the fact you haven't put to much pressure on him. I speak from experience here as I really do think it made me love DH even more, he said that he would rather be 'all in' together than one of us feeling unsure and regretting not waiting down the line.

While we are waiting to TTC we made a list of things we wanted to do to get the house prepared for the arrival of a baby. Things that could be done after but would be so much easier without having a little person to worry about. The house became somewhat of a project and we've made some changes to the garden, had decorating done, will be replacing all the carpets and having a new ensuite fitted. So although we aren't actively TTC just yet, we both feel like we are working towards the same end goal. Maybe this could be something for you to consider to help the time pass more quickly.... We also found it was a great opportunity to look at our finances so we could save for me to eventually take a year off and not have to worry about the huge drop in income so much.

ForeignAss · 06/07/2018 14:47

Kimberley93 I'm in exactly the same situation - I'm 24, partner is 29. Been married for 7 months after 5 years together, in a very happy emotionally and financially strong relationship. We've both decided to hold off until next year as my partner didn't quite feel ready yet. We've decided to have one last big holiday around June next year and then start TTC.

A year feels so long! But I'm trying to focus on other things (e.g. professional development, meeting up with friends, building networks) in preparation for life after a baby.

ForeignAss · 06/07/2018 14:47

Kimberley93 I'm in exactly the same situation - I'm 24, partner is 29. Been married for 7 months after 5 years together, in a very happy emotionally and financially strong relationship. We've both decided to hold off until next year as my partner didn't quite feel ready yet. We've decided to have one last big holiday around June next year and then start TTC.

A year feels so long! But I'm trying to focus on other things (e.g. professional development, meeting up with friends, building networks) in preparation for life after a baby.

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