I'm stepping out of my nightmare at long last

[Frazzlerock]

After two years of utter hell following a MMC and a MC, DP has finally said he'd like to TTC again.
I've been to all sorts of counselling and life coaching to try and get over his decision not to try again, and have been through the most overwhelming time emotionally. Unable to be near pregnant women, sobbing as soon as I see one, even fictional characters on TV. I've had to hide friends on social media, the lot. It has been an awful time.

Well, my birthday evening (over a week ago) DP announced that he'd like to go for it.
I've so many mixed emotions.

I am terrified. If he changes his mind again I don't think I will be able to cope. I'm also terrified of losing another baby and that being our last chance again.

But I am also over the moon and feel like an elephant has been lifted off my chest. I feel like I have been stuck in a real life nightmare for two years and now I'm in a beautiful dream and so scared to put a foot wrong in case I wake up.

We are just 'seeing how it goes' so I'm not to go mad with TTC - I have PCOS so when my ex-H and I were TTC we had to try pretty hard.
Seems as I have got older my cycles are more regular and I seem to ovulate. Our losses were very easy to conceive. The first was a surprise even, the second we tried for.

I think I just needed to get it out there that this is actually happening. I can even pass by pregnant women and smile. That choking feeling has gone. Two years of darkness and it feels like it's all over at last.
Though I realise DP changing his mind is only the first hurdle and we have a lot to go through before I (if I) hold our baby in my arms.

Best of luck with it all.

I feel like I am finally myself again, after being a horrible bitter and jealous version of myself for all this time.

I'd forgotten what I was like before, and now I am me again. I want to cry with relief

Thank you @jackiethebackie

Best of luck OP

Wishing you the best of luck @Frazzlerock. I'm sorry you've had such an awful time. There's a lovely thread on here about keeping sane on the ttc journey, have a look. I'm finding that helpful. I've also just finished reading 'is your mind fertility - friendly' which I've found really useful x

Thanks @VenueStarr I have had a look, I may well join when I have come down from cloud nine. I think I just need to let the news sink in, I'm also worried I will get obsessed if I start joining groups, you know?

Yes I know what you mean! @Frazzlerock, I'm not actually ttc at the moment, made the decision last week to stop for a whole as it had become all consuming for me. I was on a few groups and updating apps, measuring my temperature etc and I just got overwhelmed. I definitely feel more positive and relaxed since making a decision.

I'm a big fan of doing what's right for you :)

Hi Frazzle, I was so thrilled to see your name on the conception boards! I followed your blog for a while and through that I read all the awful heartbreak you've been through - I've got my fingers tightly crossed for your happy ending.

I'm also desperately trying hard not to become to 'involved' in ttc. We're not even trying yet and won't be for at least another five months, and yet here I am snooping around the conception board!

Best of luck to you, and I really do hope that by the end of all this you'll be holding your brand new baby.

@Frazzlerock it's so lovely to hear that a cloud has lifted. I had exactly the same change in mood when we were able to start trying after our loss. It's literally like a switch was pushed! Lots of lovely ladies on here so if you ever need support to stop you going crazy just jump into one of the groups and talk. You can always jump back out. I hope you and your OH have lots of fun and things go well. We've managed to keep it quite fun so far (only cycle 3 post MC), I am monitoring but not telling OH when I might be ovulating so it doesn't put too much pressure on him and also not being pushy if he's not in the mood and that seems to have kept things fairly chilled. Good luck!

Thank you so much. It has certainly been a very very tough ride, one I thought I would carry with me for the rest of my life and was desperately trying to just accept that was the way things would be.

I have 'me' back. Even if nature decides a baby is not for us, at least then that is down to nature, and not either of us effecting that.
I just feel like we are both on board with this now and the next hurdle is down to fate or nature or whatever.
I keep wanting to pinch myself as I can't seem to believe this is happening. I want to bounce off the walls! But I am keeping my cool around DP and, as @HidCat says, we will keep it fun. And it really is.

Best of luck to you @Frazzlerock