Help! Partner suddenly hesitant...

[Rose0624]

Hi,

I wondered if anyone else has experienced this problem.
I have been with my partner for 5 years and we have a house and cats. We have spoken on and off about kids, I have always been open about wanting them before I am 30, I am now 28. Recently he began bringing kids up a little more, just the odd ‘ when we have a kid’ comment. He also bought up the fact that I wanted them before I was 30, that started more conversations around stopping the pill. I told him I would speak to the nurse about stopping, he was ok with this.
I am am ivf baby so don’t take having a baby easy for granted and have always been excepted it could take awhile. Long story short he agreed to me coming off the pill after I have finished my packet. I told him today that that would be tomorrow, his attitude seemed to change, he tensed up and then eventually opened up saying that knowing his luck we would be pregnant quick an have a baby this time next year. He said that that would be it for him then, just work and kids and no chance to do his own thing. I was really surprised/hurt/gutted by this reaction. He has always been honest about being indifferent in that children could happen or not and he would be happy either way. I said that I didn’t want to have a baby that he would resent and I didn’t want to risk our relationship although I am desperate to start trying. He said that he was still happy for me to come off the pill and that I wanted to have a child and that his feelings wouldn’t change towards me.
I’m just confused now, my gut says he would love the baby once it’s here but I hate that he is so indifferent and worried about losing his life to a child.
The thing is he expects us to get pregnant within a few months and has still given me the green light so do I just trust that?
We have a wonderful relationship and I’m glad he has felt like he can be honest. I know this is ridiculous and totally not the same thing but he was very indifferent when we first got a cat and once we had him it was all ‘daddy this mummy that’ and he adores them more than I could have imagined, worrying about them, caring for their every need etc etc a part of me wonders if the same thing may happen...I know very silly...

Anyway, apologies for the essay!!!

I would urge LOTS of caution in conceiving with an INDIFFERENT man to whom you are NOT MARRIED.

Truth is you're in a much more vulnerable position than HE is if you become pregnant and he decides he's not ready to be a father!

Frankly NO child deserves an indifferent parent, no mother deserves to have to co-parent with one - or risk becoming a Lp (I am one, I'm fine but it Is NOT easy).

In your position I'd be sorely tempted to keep taking pill, not tell him and in a month declare you're pregnant - you'd know the truth then.

Actually I bet if you even started a conversation "so if I told you I'm already pregnant..." You'd get a pretty good idea.

He's not being fair.

He needs to shit or get off the bog!

This is not something you can do half-heartedly - a baby puts a hell of a lot of pressure on the best relationships.

Everyone has concerns when thinking about having children whether it be money, emotional responsibility, social life or whatever. The thought of having another kid terrifies me and yet I want it more than anything. I think it's a good thing that he knows having children is a game changer and yet is willing to go for it anyway.

The question for you is, will your OH step up regardless of his current indifference or will he pull away? If he pulls away then you're stuck with single / shared parenting and the complications that brings but even if he steps up, there is no guarantee the relationship will last forever, married or not; its a risk that we all take.

The flip side is what would you do if you decided to hold off? Stay with a man you possibly don't end up having kids with or finish it and start over (still young enough for this).

From what you've said I suspect he is raising his legitimate fears but that they don't worry him so much that he won't be a great Dad, but you're the only person who can judge this. I don't think tricking him into believing you're pregnant when you're not is the best idea but maybe you could babysit and see what he's like with a friends child.

My dh was a bit like that. We had things we wanted to do first (I wanted marriage and he wanted to buy a house). Once we'd done those things he was a bit scared as he thought we would become pregnant right away and it's such a life-changing thing - it IS scary. Anyone who doesn't take it seriously isn't worth the effort.

Well, we didn't get pregnant. Well, we did but two early miscarriages... and now we've had ivf and I think he wants it more than I do at this point.

Ttc has made us much more honest and open as a married couple.

I would bring up marriage to see what he says. What is it he wants to do that means he can't 'be tied down.' I get the fear, but is it fear or cba?

Don't have children unless you are (a) married or (b) financially secure in your own right. Sorry if that's cynical but spend 5 minutes on the relationships board and you'll come to the same conclusion.

Do you work? Own your house jointly? Have joint finances? Who does the lion's share of the domestic labour (physical and thinking).

Hi Rose, I'm TTC with a man who seems to blow hot and cold regarding children and I'm just ignoring it and ploughing ahead as best I can. OH has similar worries to yours, but having kids doesn't stop you from doing things, it just takes a lot more effort and coordination, from what I can see. Like your OH, mine is great with our pets. I definitely wouldn't trick him, continue being open and honest.

The other posters raise a good point about finances. I'm in the fortunate position where I own our house and have the better career, so would be fine solo parenting if everything did go tits up. It's good to think about the worst case scenario.

I've been with my partner for 6 and a half years. We also have a cat. and neither of us has any interest in being married because for us we see it as a religious act (and neither of us are religious) and we are happy and secure in our relationship as it is. Like you, we are very open and honest about our feelings and talk through any big decisions (or small ones) in detail.

The fact that he is being so open about how he feels is really good for the relationship, although I totally understand your concerns.
I think part of it may be the old cliché of men just never really being ready to be a parent until it happens to them. (My OH has admitted that he wants kids but doesn't think he'll ever feel properly ready until it actually happens). Like you said, he fell in love with your cats and looks after them well and cares of them. Yes, it's different with a child because it's a much, much bigger commitment and changes your life forever, so you do need to be sure he wouldn't begrudge the sleepless nights, the smelly nappies etc...

What does "doing his own thing" involve exactly? I think you need to be clear on that before doing anything. If it's being able to go out with the lads every once in a while or watch TV with a beer or something, maybe there's some reassurance you can do there... Arranging in advance how you will both get "me time" for example?

Like you, I didn't take TTC for granted either, I've had a complicated gynae history and wasn't sure I could even conceive, however I did in fact fall pregnant the second month of trying, much to our surprise and shock. Sadly it ended in MC, however it goes to show that you also can't take for granted it will take a few months either, you might get lucky straight away. You need to be 100% sure now that you're both on this journey willingly.

I think you basically need to have another heart-to-heart with him and try to get to the bottom of what his worries/fears are for when you do have a baby so you can reassure him or come up with a game plan.

I think it's great that you're planning this so carefully and not rushing in to it without considering all sides.

And really sorry, the wait before TTC is so frustrating. I had to wait 2 years while feeling really broody before OH was ready.

P.S. Is there a particular reason you want them before you're 30? Is it just because that's how you've always imagined it in your head, or is it something else? Just feeling curious...

DH had a lot of the same concerns until he read French Children Don't Throw Food. I think he wanted a kid but most of the examples of new parenthood he was seeing seeing left the parents as sleepless, lifeless husks. He found it so reassuring that there was another way of doing things that still respected the fact that parents still have a right to a life. And that it benefits kids. I'm not saying we'll do everything that way, or that either of us think it'll be easy, but it gave him hope. That was all he needed to get him right on board.