I'm new here! Help! :)

[atryingmama]

Hi everyone! I'm new to the mumsnet world, and I'm currently not yet a mama- my boyfriend and I have just started trying for a baby after talking about it for a while and me feeling broody for ages!
I'm worried what people will think of me being pregnant (if I can conceive)- my boyfriend and I have an age gap relationship- I'm 19 & he is 34. We work though! He's so funny, handsome and we actually moved in together after 3 months of meeting- crazy right?

I want to enjoy my pregnancy and experience, I don't want to worry about what other people may say (family/friends). Now a days it seems commonplace anyway to have children younger.

Anyway, advice, support and chatter with other people in my situation/mums would be lovely! I'd love to make some great internet friends so we can all support eachother.

I had my first at 18 and although frowned upon I wouldn't change it for the world. I had my second at 23. I'm so glad we started young. We've both always worked. we have a strong relationship and are stable so who cares. As long as you're happy sod what everyone else thinks

Hi! I'm 41 and my DP is 61 and this is my first ever month TTC. So if I'm successful people are going to tell me we're too old! I know what you mean - when DSis was pregnant with her DC everyone was all happy, whereas I'll get whispers and eye rolls and yes I'm a bit sad about that... But so what? You can't live your life for other people, just do what's right for you. Haters gon hate Good luck.

I had my first at 17 and second at 24 ttc our Third now after I went back to uni etc... go
For it as long as ur sure! I'm so glad I had mine young.. but young / old doesn't matter as long as the baby is loved and fed who cares right?! Also my two have diff dads ( Iv had two v long term relationships) and the second I had at 24 I fell
Preg 4 months after meeting. We're just as in love as we were back then if not more! Good luck ttc xoxoxoxox

@atryingmama hi lovely! I'm 22 and going to be starting a family with a 31 year old. Don't worry about the gap, if he makes you happy and your family are supportive go for it. Live for you x x

I think in your shoes I would work out where you stand financially and whether you are going to be totally screwed and (literally) left holding the baby if the relationship doesn’t work out.

How long have you been together?

My only words of caution are similar to the above poster. If you did one day break up would you be able to support yourself financially? Do you have a good job and career goals? I would just make sure you can make sure you can support yourself as unless you’re married you do not have very much financial security! I had to think about this with my partner to as he owns the house we live in and I don’t have any assets. As long as you’ve got all this figured out don’t worry about what other people think about age gaps if you’re happy

Hey! Just chiming in that I think the advice from the two pp above is actually great advice for anyone who is starting a family or getting serious in a relationship! Always believe in love but be realistic enough to have an idea in the back of your head of what you'd do if it all fell apart tomorrow!

@MrsBrown28 Hi there! Thanks for the kind words of encouragement :) I'm so glad it's worked out for you and your partner!

@starsandstuff Wow! That's so inspiring- I wish you the best of luck in conceiving, fingers and toes crossed for us both and thank you, that's great advice. What's life if we just live by others opinions!? X

@lolacola13 that's so cool! It's great to hear you went back into education after too, as I'm hoping to do the same eventually :) the time just feels right in our relationship right now to add to our family. Thanks for the support.x

@Delilah7 Wow! Congrats, thank you so much- I wish you both the best in your pregnancy :) xxx

@LoveInTokyo Great point, something I (& my partner) have discussed. We've been together 9 months now and moved in after 3. We are both seperately financially stable, and do also have a shared bank account (which we are using for extras- like dates! And baby bits now)

I feel it's the right time, of course, if a break up was to unfortunately occur, we've discussed the options and he's reassured me that he would of course co parent and help me financially. But he keeps saying to stop asking him about the what if's! He likes to focus on right now. :)

Thank you! X

I would not judge your age but I would judge someone who chooses to have child with someone without being with them at least 2 years first (accidents and biological clock withstanding).

I personally would not have a child with someone without being married as it offers you and your child so much more legal and financial protection.

Everyone need to have serious discussions about finances and parenting styles before etc.

@stellarfox thank you for the cautionary advice, you make a great point! We rent our current flat and have no plans of buying any time soon. I have a part time job & i'm planning on finishing my last year at college studying before baby arrives (hopefully!) then I'm wanting to take a year to care for my child, blog a little as a hobby and work a couple nights a week at the place I work once my partner is comfortable looking after baby for a few hours. (So I have my own income on the side)

Honestly, career wise, I have no idea! My mum went to uni at 28 and has had a successful career ever since. So I'm not to focused on finding my permanent niche for now.

X

@lapenguin you are so right! My partner and I have discussed in length this decision and are both committed to our love and a baby. :) x

@gingerbreadbiscuits Interesting point about marriage! I guess for my sort of generation things are changing, marriage isn't so important as to determine a relationship or planning children etc. And since we are both financially independent and don't own the place we rent I think we are in a good position :) x

The thing is - and I don’t wish to patronise you here - you put yourself in quite a vulnerable position by having kids with someone you are not married to. It’s something that comes up time and time again on Mumsnet, but usually on the relationships board or sometimes on AIBU. It’s always the same story. The woman is on here posting about how she’s been with her partner X number of years, they have a couple of kids together but never got married as the time wasn’t right, or they don’t believe in it, or they can’t afford to have the wedding they want right now, or one of them (usually the one with more money) says they “don’t need a piece of paper to prove their love”. Often the mother has given up work or gone part-time and taken a huge hit to her own earnings and career path to focus on raising their kids. Meanwhile, his own earning capacity is unaffected.

And then unfortunately something goes wrong. The father goes off with another woman, or he’s being abusive and she wants to leave but doesn’t know how she will support herself and the kids. And that’s when she realises that there is no such thing as a “common law wife” and she actually has no right to anything of his - no savings, no pension, no property, whereas if they’d been married she would have been entitled to a share.

Please do yourself a favour and go and read some of these threads, and inform yourself about the legal and financial implications of having kids with someone you’re not married to.

Because by the time people come on here and post these threads asking for advice, it’s too late for them. The damage is done.

And here on the conception board it’s all just about “let’s make babies!” Which is understandable. But I can’t help but think that if a thread about this was made a sticky here in the conception board, it might prevent a few more women falling into the same trap.

Hope I’m not overstepping the mark. Just make sure you know what you’re doing.

I wouldn't judge you for having a baby at your age. But I do think you are rushing this relationship and that concerns me. the type of men who rush women into serious commitments are usually not good men. Particularly if they have chosen a partner who is vulnerable for some reason - such as being much younger than them.

Having a baby is not all fun and play groups. There's often sleepless nights, drudgery, resentment, depression, fear. You could have a baby with a disability and all that comes with that. Are you mature enough to deal with that?

Honestly I wish you would give it a couple of years. I don't mean to be negative - having a baby is lovely and exciting and the best thing you will ever do. But you have to be ready, and being ready doesn't just mean really wanting it right now.