It’s been over a year of this ttc madness now, and never did I ever think I would engage in the following long term behaviour. Please somebody, make it stop!!
Halfway through foreplay (ok, I’m lying - that doesn’t exist anymore, it’s just a case of me convincing DH to shag me in the fertile period, pleasure optional and rare) breaking off to remember ‘that I need the stuff I bought on the internet’. Brief look of excitement on his face, picturing some sort of sex toy. Nope, pre seed. Whack it on please. Who says romance is dead?!
When the deed is done, 20 minute spells of lying naked on the bed with my feet in the air trying to force the swimmers in the right direction. DH watching and wondering where his previously sane wife who used to like a cuddle has disappeared to.
Thinking about upcoming events and musing to myself ‘oooh, I could be 20/16/12/8 weeks pregnant by then’. In reality I’m usually just on my period at ALL OF THEM instead.
Is 8dpo too early to test? Nope, I’ve been doing it since 5dpo. On every bfn that follows each day, genuinely convincing myself I’ve got a late implanter and I’ll be one of these people you read about who only gets a positive once they’re 5 months pregnant. Obviously.
Checking out a pregnancy test from about a hundred different angles and lights, taking 20 photos of said pregnancy test, inverting the colours, playing about with the filter and then resorting to staring at the thing like a magic eye puzzle circa 1995 willing a second line to JUST BLOODY APPEAR.
That brown discharge is definitely not my period, it’s a very late implantation bleed that happens to be exactly when my period is due. And the cramps? Early pregnancy symptoms obviously.
Everybody within a ten mile radius suddenly falling pregnant with oops / surprise babies - wtf?! My BF (who I love dearly) falling in the first month of trying, with twins. TWO BABIES FFS. And has now had the two babies while I’m still here, impatiently waiting for a bloody positive pregnancy test.
When my period eventually arrives yet again, getting so mad with the whole thing I throw my hands up in the air on cd1 (after sinking a bottle of wine) and announce ‘right, this is it, we’re not going to actively try anymore. There will be no ovulation sticks, no thermometers, no pre seed, no scheduled shags. We will RELAX and it might just happen without trying.’ Usually lasts till approx cd7 when I get even a hint of fertile cm and I’m gone.
The madness begins again.
aaaaaarghhhhhhhhh!
I feel a bit better getting that off my chest, anybody else feel the same?
Ps - I know I sound like a nutcase, I did used to be fairly normal...!