Worried about TTC

[Hafa9141]

Hi, never done this before, so hope I don't ramble on too much

BF and I are planning to TTC in the next couple of months, but I am worried for so many reasons. I am hoping I can get some advice or peace of mind. I can't talk about this with anybody I know as I don't have any close girly friends.

1. I have had mirena coils since I was 16 and now am 24. I believe they have made me put a lot of weight on, which now I am desperately trying to lose as I want to be as healthy as possible when TTC. I am worried if I have it removed, I will get terrible acne, won't lose any weight and will have horrific mood swings all the time.

2. I have epilepsy which has been controlled since I was 16, but I am concerned my medication (Lamotrigine) will be harmful to baby or that I may have "funny turns" as I get bigger. Due to my condition, everything about TTC has to be planned, I have to take 5mg folic acid for 3 months then have my coil removed then let me hormones get back in balance then start TTC and let GP and consultant know as soon as that happens. I am also worried that baby will have difficulties when born after my mum told me "so and so is on Lamotrigine and their baby had to stay in observation for a week so yours will have to"

3. BF is concerned about money as he is a very good saver. After bills & payments we each have about £500 a month left over, which we do put into savings but he thinks we will struggle. I have told him that everybody feels like they won't be able to afford a baby, but if we wait until we feel like we can, it might be too late.

4. My job - I know my employers will be great with me, but I feel as though I couldn't go down to part time as it would only pay for my half of the bills and I'd be left with about £30 each month, like do I ask my employer for a raise before I get pregnant? Do I just hope it all works out? Do I try and get another job (which most employers say "you must work here for 12 months before receiving paid maternity leave")

5. My MUM - she is very controlling and manipulative and I worry about how she will be with everything. At the moment she says things like "you will need to be tested for gestational diabetes because of your size" or "I saw a pregnant girl the other day who was your size, she looked horrific".
   She also tells me that she won't come in the room, but will be at the hospital while I am in labour! I have tried to say "you do know labour is a long long time" (mainly because I don't want her there until after baby arrives)and she just doesn't care!
   She has also told me what she will be buying for baby like car seat, cot, outfits, blankets, buggy. But she is very controlling when she offers to buy something, if she doesn't like it she won't pay for it!
   I have been told my parents will have baby this day, mind baby this evening, take baby out here, she will visit me every day after baby arrives. The thought of it all stresses me out so much.

I am not very confrontational with her as she turns on waterworks when she is told off, but I am stubborn and know exactly what I want, which is how we usually fall out.
Any advice on any of these points would be amazing.
Thanks for reading (sorry if I rambled)

Honestly, you won't know until you try. You won't know how you are off mirena until you try. You won't know about gestational diabetes until you're pregnant. You won't know how you handle your mum when you're becoming a mother until it happens.

This is adulting. It's hard to know about the uncertainties, but at least you know what some of them are... also crack on with losing weight as it can make it much harder to conceive.

And no you aren't due a raise just because you want a baby. But perhaps if you've gained experience, can show you're an asset, etc... perhaps open the conversation about how you see your role progressing? Additional responsibilities? Additional remuneration?

Can’t offer advise on much, but I am currently also taking medication for epilepsy (Ethosuximide) & have been told by my doctor that I can’t take it while pregnant. Unsure how your epilepsy affects you, but mine is quite mild so I’m not sure if I would need to stop it completely? Or try something else. I think that all anti-convulsant medication can be harmful during pregnancy but I’ve also heard of people who have suffered badly with epilepsy, came off their medication through pregnancy and then not suffered at all while pregnant - fingers crossed this is what happens for you!

As for your mum - she does sound very overbearing! But my friend has parents who were the same - when her ds was born, then novelty kind of disappeared after a few weeks. Although they are happy to watch him when needed, they aren’t at her door to check up on them.

Wish you the best when you & bf begin to TTC! X

I can't help much with the medical side of things, but your mum sounds awful - please don't let her negativity affect you.

You will definitely be able to afford it with that money put away.

physicskate I forgot to add about my job that my responsibilities have almost doubled in the last year but I haven't had a reasonable raise (only 2.5% when COL went up 4%). I just don't want my employer to be funny with me for asking for a raise.
I am starting to keep a food diary and cut back on things like bread and snacking in the day. I am also starting to use an exercise bike we have had for about a year!

HoldOnToHope how lovely it would be to come off medication all together, that would be amazing. But I don't think my doctor will let that happen as if I did have a seizure I would lose my licence for a year and then struggle massively to get to work etc. It's very risky.

With effects on the baby, I don't like to research too much as I think it will scare me, but I am trusting my doctor will know what's best for me

@Hafa9141 I was told that as soon as my medication changed, I wouldn’t be allowed to drive for a year - I can see that it would cause a lot of difficulty when you rely on a licence for your job!
I haven’t looked into it too much on my own either, but like you say your doctor will have yours and baby’s best interests and can guide you with regards to medication!x

@HoldOnToHope I am looking forward to it as it is something I have wanted for so long.

To be honest I am less stressed about the medication than I am about my mother! My epilepsy is triggered by extreme stress so I am trying to envisage everything to be ok when it may be lots of tears.

@Hafa9141 I know it’s easier said than done, but I think you need to try your best to let what she says just go over your head. I obviously don’t know you or your mum to comment, but from experience I would be surprised if she was as involved as she says she will be now!
Having a baby is such a special thing, please try not to let your mum take the shine off it x

Ha. That was almost an exact description of my mother! I could have written that section of your post word for word!

I feel your pain. My parents can be extremely generous which I am grateful for, but buying something will always be on their terms. She is very controlling, wants to know every single detail of my life, frequently tells me how I should live my life, tells my DH that he doesn't earn enough money (he earns significantly more than me but never mind) etc.

I am not pregnant yet but we are trying. I have kept this secret from her as I try to share as little information as possible. Every single time she sees me she tells me I'm getting old (I'm 30) and that I need to have children and give her other grandchildren cousins. Just hoping it doesn't take a really long time to conceive or it's going to grate...

I would try if possible to either 1. try not to share all information with her if she then starts putting you down. 2. tell her that she is making you upset and you won't be talking to her about these things again until she stops putting you down.
I cannot escape from my mother being in my life, but I do try to tell her that she puts me down. She usually cries and tells me I'm selfish. Since these conversations tend not to go well, I have simply been more guarded about what I share and try my best to ignore the nagging I get in return. It's really difficult and I do empathise. When the conversations get bad my DH tries to intervene. He has considered lying to her about us not wanting kids in an effort to get her to shut up. Is there anyone else that can talk to her to explain how you feel if she doesn't listen to you?

@everythingatonce the only person I can really talk to is BF and without sounding nasty he just doesn't get it.
Besides the fact he is ridiculously laid back, he isn't confrontational at all so I fear he wouldn't stand up to her for me.
He is the same though as sometimes he says "let's not tell your mum about this" because he knows she will ruin it for us.
Another thing that is difficult is that my parents are much, much higher earners than us and don't understand sometimes why "maybe after payday" is a thing to us. This worries me because if I do actually get pregnant I fear everything will be bought for me and I won't get to enjoy baby shopping with BF.
I agree with @HoldOnToHope though, having a baby is such a special thing. I will try and not let her ruin it for me

@Hafa9141 I totally sympathise. My parents said they'd kindly give my brother and SIL some money towards baby things when she was expecting, but then took over and gave opinions on what she should or should not buy and what things she will be paying for. It was either a case of take what my mother wanted to buy and be grateful for the help or don't take any of it. My DH would rather we bought second hand things that we can afford rather than rely on her and allow her to take over.

I'm pregnant (18 weeks) and epileptic. I take lamotrigine and keppra. I saw a neurologist this week. I've had blood tests to measure my medication levels and will do every month. Lamotrigine levels are known to plummet in later pregnancy but there is a known level at which they will recommend increasing. I will also be seen by midwives who are closely connected to the neurology department. Once the baby is born they will reduce my medication. They will keep monitoring to take into account sleep deprivation (mine can be triggered by lack of sleep) and they will consider increasing if necessary.

If you aren't already - although you should be - take your folic acid before you start ttc. Lamotrigine is one of the safest dr

Argh pressed post too early.

Lamotrigine is one of the safest anti-epileptic drugs to on during pregnancy and they are unlikely to recommend coming off it.

I can't help with the rest of your concerns other than to say, they're not unique. Lots of people worry about the same things.

It's not true and unless you know what you're talking about it's unhelpful to suggest all anti-epileptic medication is dangerous in pregnancy. There is a small but increased risk of certain things but that is why it's important you take folic acid and vitamin D. I also wouldn't consider reducing / increasing medication on the say so of a GP. You will see a consultant who knows what they're talking about.

Do your research. I'm sorry but it's incredibly ignorant to say it's 'dangerous' if you're actually not sure.

Also sorry, some medication is worse than others. Keppra and lamotrigine are not one of those. When I had my first son, I was taking sodium valproate and that is now known to present much higher risks. My son was born perfectly healthy.

@kirinm sorry forgot to say I have started folic acid too and on 5mg from GP. My GP is good in saying they think I will probably have to increase my Lamotrogine throughout pregnancy, but as you said consultant will know exactly what to do.
I am looking forward to it all and knowing that I will be closely monitored puts my mind at ease too.

@everythingatonce my mum is like that, my dad a bit less but everyone knows mum wears the trousers.
I'm almost tempted to keep it a secret from her as long as possible but on the other hand she will get upset about that haha!
I'm hoping she will step back as this will be our first time and I want it to be special.
All the women in my family are very opinionated but they've all had numerous babies so hopefully they will let us enjoy this for ourselves.