Accidental pregnancy concerns, please help

[Jyvoc]

My SO and I have been casually dating for 2.5 years. Recently we accidentally became pregnant. I was worried about his reaction as he is younger than me which is the reason we have a casual relationship. As it turned out, he was not only supportive but very excited, after the initial shock. Unfortunately we had to terminate the pregnancy at 13 weeks due to complications which led to major risks for both myself and the baby.
Now my SO has said that though he was able to be happy about the unplanned pregnancy, he doesn't want to plan for another baby because he is too young and that we should go back to viewing our relationship as short term with no view to long term commitment. He said he'd understand if I chose to break it off and find someone who was ready to have children.
I'm not sure if, after all our recent stress, I'm ready to think about having a child again but I don't want it off the table forever (I'm 39).
As a compromise, I told him that I'm not going back on the pill for a while to allow my body to resume a normal cycle and that he is responsible for bc in the interim. That way, I figured, he could have confidence in the fact that choosing not to have a child would be equally in his hands.
He has since said that he'd prefer not to use condoms and would rather use the withdrawal method. I have warned him that this is by no means full proof but he says he's okay with that if I am.
I'm so confused. Does he not want a child or is he just prepared to leave it to chance? What should I do? I feel like the responsibility is back with me now!

Do you really want to take the significant risk of producing a child with a casual, short-term, immature partner, and then having to navigate co-parenting with that partner for life?

Your "partner" doesn't want a child but isn't even grown up enough to use condoms. He'll probably just fuck off if you get pregnant again, which is a real risk.

I would ditch him, and if you really feel you want a child now, look into better methods of going it alone.

Your 39 having a short term relationship ??? 0_o i dont normally say this but... times ticking, im sorry but if your wanting children then realistically you only have 6 years left and sometimes to get pregnant it can take a while ttc.

I dont mean to sound mean but its just this thing you have sounds like a relationship youd have in your early 20s especially seem as you want to be having a kid with someone who youve been with for atleast 2 years ideally.

If you dont want children then okay but you need to make your mind up fairly quickly

Plus ill tell u why he doesnt mind if u get pregnant... its because condoms feel horrible to alot of people yet if u get pregnant then he can walk away, he doesnt need to stay with you.

Run. The withdrawal method can be effective but it does also come with a high risk of failure. He doesn’t want kids but can’t be bothered to wear a condom. It sounds to me like it would end up as a Jeremy Kyle situation with a guy who thought it “wouldn’t happen to him” and ends up being a deadbeat dad who is never there for the mother of his child or indeed, his child. It’s not fair on any potential baby.

You say you’ve been causally dating for 2.5 years. Casual dating is just that, casual. Meaning either of you are free to pick up and drop each other as you want. It isn’t much easier for a man to leave after the woman has a baby than the other way around. Could you cope as a single mother? Would you be okay with the possibility your child would end up with a father who doesn’t want to have anything to do with them?

There’s no in-between when it comes to having children. You either want kids or you don’t. He says he doesn’t, even though the idea of it seems nice to him, unless he really wants a child the reality of it is entirely different.

Personally if it was me, I’d be calling it a day. If that’s not a route you want to take right away then I would say to him that if he (and you) both don’t want any children then you HAVE to use a better and more effective method of contraception. If he refuses then maybe you should consider ending things. Situations like this never end well when a child is brought into the mix, it’s not worth it and isn’t fair on any potential baby born because of his refusal to put something on the end of it

Thank you for your help. Its useful but perhaps I should be more clear. Our relationship has been monogamous for the last couple of years and we do love each other but have both been concerned about stopping the other party getting what they want. He wants a child but ideally not for another few years at the minimum and given my age, did not want to stop me doing it sooner if I wanted. He's a good, kind person who has been extremely devastated by the loss of our baby (it's been less than a month since it happened).
Whilst I know time is ticking for me (more so because I have a chronic illness) I realise I am not yet ready to make a decision about having a child having just lost one. I really wondered what I should do about the contraception. I also wondered whether this was an attempt from him to allow 'nature to decide' as we were both very happy about the pregnancy before?

Also, I should add that the previous pregnancy was due to a flare up of my illness negating the pill (the only time this has ever happened in 20 years of being in it) and not due to any irresponsibility on his part.

It kind of sounds like you’ve answered your own question...

If he's such a good kind person and your relationship is so good what's all this stuff about how your relationship should go back to being casual and he doesnt want a baby?

He's told you who he is. He doesn't want to be serious, he doesn't want a child. Decide you know better and go ahead based on a fantasy that you'll become a happy family at your peril.

It's not going to work out with him. Take him out of the equation and make a decision about whether you want to pursue children elsewhere - and unfortunately given your age you'll have to make it sharpish.