Trying again after 7 years?

[LollipopsandWine]

I'll try to keep this short, I just need someone with a clearer head than me to look at this! I had DD when I was 16, and between being a kid myself and being in an abusive relationship at the time, it has taken me until now to get my life back on track.
I'm now in a long-term relationship that is healthy, no abuse. My DD is 7 now and doing well at school. I am happy where I live, close to supportive family and friends. I've even gotten myself into University, which I never thought I'd manage. It's all good. End of last year we found out I was pregnant. Complete accident, I was on the pill, but we came round to the idea very quickly and after the shock wore off we were over the moon.
I miscarried in January. We were devastated, and for a month or so we really weren't sure what to do. Fast forward to now, we both want another baby. Badly. We're really conscious of the age gap, and we know that it would be best to try again soon in that respect, but we're panicking.
With DP running his own shop (only a year and a half in but doing well) and me out of work (I quit physically demanding job when we found out I was pregnant and haven't been able to find anything since) and studying full time - something incredibly important to me to complete - we're really scared that another baby will undo everything. What if I have to drop out of Uni? What if we don't have enough money? (Tbf we only just have "enough" now to keep us afloat, if we have a bad month we tend to run out of gas/food and use credit cards/borrow from family).
Then I feel like being so concerned about Uni and money means that we shouldn't try for a baby at all, because it's selfish to put my degree before a baby anyway. But in 3 years time DD will be 10/11 and we really didn't want to leave it that long, and I feel if we let circumstances dictate that we can't have a second, we might regret it forever.
Any advice would be appreciated. From an outside perspective, what do you think would be the best thing in this situation...?

I think you should stop putting pressure on yourselves over the age gap to your DD. Honestly, it isn't the most important thing and having a baby right now sounds like horrible timing with regard to everything else in your life right now. You're studying FT - how on earth do you plan on doing that with a baby? I'm sure it's hard enough with one school-age DC. If you have a baby in the next year you're going to have to drop out - probably for at least a year - and only go back once you've got suitable childcare in place.

I think, given your age (presumably you're about 23 now), I'd take a deep breath and accept that while your hormones are urging you to have another baby now the time simply isn't right. You're young enough to wait until you've finished your degree and that is certainly the most sensible course of action. TBH, I'd not only finish your degree, but get a job and a bit of money behind you and also the chance to have your maternity leave paid (which means, I think, that you'd need to be in your job for at least six months beforehand).

That is very sensible-sounding and exactly the kind of down-to-earth thing I need to hear.

Will a 10 year age gap work though...? Will DD not hit the teen stage and resent a small child rooting through her stuff..?

Wrt working, the careers we are working towards are very "full on", I worry that I'd feel like making it into the career and then stopping to have a baby would feel like 10 steps back if that makes sense. We sort of felt that it might work better if we get the baby stage over with now, although I agree that fitting it in with ft study is impossible - DP keeps mentioning childcare available and saying Uni would support it but that doesn't fix the issue

Will a 10 year age gap work though...? Will DD not hit the teen stage and resent a small child rooting through her stuff..?
No more than a 7 year old will resent the attention you give a new born or a 18 year old would resent being told to be quiet coming home late.

Sharing you life / space / parents with another sibling after youve been 'an only for so long is hard. I say that from experience, but I wouldn't change DSis for the world.

Your DD and baby would have at least an 8-year gap anyway, so tbh I don't think it will make a huge amount of difference. A friend of mine had DC4 last year when her older ones were 12, 8 and 5. The one who was most chilled out and helpful was the 12-year-old - so I wouldn't worry.

As for a full-on career, people do step away from those kind of careers for 3-12 months and then go back. I know lots of doctors, lawyers, accountants, investment bankers etc, and the vast majority have had at least one DC and gone back. In some ways doing it with a baby is easier, because nurseries are open from 7.30-6.30 and year-round, whereas schools have much shorter days and long holidays. Uni may provide childcare, but from what age? And at what age would you be comfortable leaving a baby? And what about when you're studying at home or have your final exams coming up? I'd much rather have a baby when I had a secure job to go back to and maternity pay.

I am about to give birth and my daughter is 8. Circumstances around my career and wanting to be established in a job I loved and felt secure in dictated that we waited (I am 34 now!). It's meant that we have been relaxed and looked forward to the birth of this baby, and not worried about finances/childcare/the end of the world etc!
My daughter is so excited, and understands life may change a bit, but in lots of good ways. She asks daily what jobs she will be allowed to help with! Plus, I will have 6ish months MAT leave where I am excited to do the school run! In summary, don't worry about the gap, you'll make it work. But DO consider if your circumstances mean you will feel anxious and worried about having another baby imminently. Just my own experience, but glad we waited for circumstances that felt more comfortable. My job is incredibly pressured, and highly stressful. But being established in it has helped the transition to MAT Leave!

Thanks everyone. Lots of positives for waiting, and my own anxieties about money/studies/childcare confirmed.

I really just want what's best for all of us, and that means we need to be more stable. My degree is so important and it should set us up for a much smoother future - I don't want to be struggling to provide for my DD, let alone for 2 children!
Looks like we'll be waiting then. Any tips on lessening the baby fever??

A puppy?!

@toriray oh I wish!! That's a whole other thread I don't need to start 😊

On second thoughts, a baby is probably easier!

My DC are 14 and 16 and have a little sister (half sister) who is 5, from their dad's current marriage. The gap is big but they love her. Lots of people grow up with half siblings with a big age gap like this these days.

I know how strong the pull for another child feels after a mc. But you are only 23 and have done so well for yourself with your uni studies. I would get those out of the way first and then have another baby.

Good luck!

I had my son at the end of my first year of my nursing degree. It is possible to study and have a small child. You fall into a pattern that works for you. I am also TTC #2 and DS will be 8 next month. Good luck.