Hi all.
This is my first post.
In September 2017, my husband and I found out we were pregnant; it was a shock but we were excited for our future. December 4th 2017 was the date for our 12 week scan - I would be 12 weeks and 4 days. Having three older children, and being 38 years old, I was looking forward to the scan and, without realising at the time, probably a little complacent.
Lying on the bed, looking at my husband, who was soon to see his first child, I felt amazing. The sonographer took her time, looking at the screen.....and then those words, “have you had any bleeding or cramping?”. This wasn’t the usual script...?!
I knew then what was coming..... “I’m sorry, I can’t see a heart beat”, “your baby is measuring as 11 weeks”.
Never, have I felt so unbelievably helpless, with no control. I was falling into the bed, into the darkest place I’d ever been. At some point I got up and walked through the waiting room of excited ‘mums- to-be’ and went to get my medication to induce the miscarriage. Was this actually happening????
In the minutes, hours, days, weeks later, I cried, I laughed, I got angry, I sometimes forgot....but it was always there. Our baby was gone. All those plans, hopes, everything gone.
January was tough. My husband and I argued, a lot! We were both hurting.
February - chemical pregnancy. Devastation.
The start of March, all I could focus on was being pregnant before my ‘due date’ of 14 June. In my job role, I’m responsible for maternity benefits, etc, so seeing expectant mums was hard. Although there were definite hints of jealousy, I weirdly felt happy for their happiness and a little bit protective of them.
It was this month that I probably went to my darkest place. The feeling of wanting to disapppear, even contemplating whether people would be better off without me - real, dark thoughts that no one or nothing could fix.
Throughout March, I used my CB OPK, and preseed. I almost exhausted my husband with BDing demands and I tried to stay positive. Using the OPK for the first time, I realised I was ovulating around cycle day 15/16, far later than I thought. I’ve read every bit of info on luteal phases, days post ovulation, even down to how the pregnancy hormone evolves and develops every 48 hours - I’ve been obsessed!
Today I am 10dpo and I got my BFP result at 5.30am this morning. My husband was asleep, So I sent him a text to say ‘morning Daddy’ and placed the TWO (yes, I didn’t trust just one) positive tests on his bedside table.
I’m only 3 weeks and 4 days, and I know we’ve a long journey ahead, but for now I’m going to revel in today’s euphoria.
I was dubious whether to post this, as I personally know how hard it is to read BFP posts when you’re desperate to be pregnant. However, I wanted to share and spread the message of never giving up.
Wherever you are in your baby journey, try to stay positive, but allow yourself days too where you do cry. The most important advice I can give, is talk to people, your husband, family, friends, work colleagues. Tell them how sad you feel and how you miss your baby. I truly found this quite liberating and helped me a lot.
Good luck to you all xxxxx