Hi,Mumsnet
New to the forum,so please be gentle.
In desperate need of some advice from others who may have experienced similar situations. I have an amazing family and good friends,but nobody who has been in a similar position and,for something like this,I really feel as though I need to get advice from someone who has experienced the same.
Warning:this is a lengthy post.
So,Just some history: I was born with a genetic disorder called ‘incontinentia pigmentosa’. Where my fertility is concerned,that basically means that my chance of having a healthy baby is reduced significantly.If a male embryo inherits my faulty ‘X’ chromosome,he will not survive the pregnancy and,if a female embryo inherits my faulty ‘X’ chromosome,she would also be affected by the condition,which can vary widely in its symptoms and levels of severity. In addition to this,I have never had regular periods. For a time,I was told I have PCOS,but for the last 2yrs or so,scans have shown my ovaries to be clear and my periods are now more regular,but still without a ‘pattern’,which makes TTC more challenging as I never know when I am ovulating.
At the beginning of August last year,I was absolutely thrilled to discover I was pregnant.I had only been TTC for a few months and,after experiencing extreme fatigue,a very tingly and sore chest and frequent urination,I took a pregnancy test.I had had some tiny bleeding and some cramps,(which I later figured must have been implantation bleeding),a few weeks before,but did not even know what implantation bleeding was at the time,so did not think anything of it at the time. The second I got that BFP,my entire existence became the little life growing within me.That rush of maternal love you hear about at such a time was no far-stretched romantic notion as I had previously believed it to be-I felt it within the core of my very being.This was my baby and I already loved it with every ounce of my soul.
Anyway,fast forward about 10 days and my pregnancy symptoms had started to ‘dwindle’.I had a scan with the early pregnancy unit and, as I was still too early on, had to have an internal,which detected that there was most definitely a viable pregnancy there. The sonographer even thought there may be another foetus in a different part of my uterus,but also said the fluid in the sac could just be some blood,so asked me to return a few days later when the image may be clearer and any potential foetus may have developed a little more. As process dictates,they did some bloods and asked me to return a few days later for the second scan and so they could recheck my bloods to ensure the HCG hormone had increased at the rate it should.
I returned for my second scan and actually heard my baby’s heartbeat. I genuinely believed there was no way it would have developed enough to be seen on an external ultrasound,but there it was.In 3 short days it had developed so rapidly.I took that as a positive sign and thanked God that all my worrying and googling had been for nothing.I vowed to relax a little more and just enjoy my pregnancy.I couldn’t live in this constant state of paranoia for the next ‘however many’ months.After all,the stress is not good for the baby,right?There was only one pregnancy,but I was absolutely overjoyed with that one little heartbeat.My baby.The feeling was incomparable. My bloods were taken and I skipped off to work elated.
That afternoon,I got a call from one of the lovely nurses in the EPU.She told me that my HCG level had not increased as significantly as would normally be expected,but that that is not necessarily a cause for alarm as,sometimes,the hormone does ‘dip’ and then ‘spike’ again.Moreover,the increase rates are just ‘guidelines’ and every woman’s body is different during pregnancy. She invited me in for another scan and this was scheduled for in around 10 days time,just so we could give the pregnancy a chance to develop more.I was told to remain positive and just call them anytime if I had any bleeding or cramping. I was dreading this 10 day wait,especially because I kept feeling my symptoms were just not as strong as they previously had been,but I tried to take comfort in the fact that,despite the lower level of HCG,the baby had developed so quickly in three short days.
In the intervening days,I had a routine appointment with the nurse at my surgery and,when I discussed my concerns with her,she also advised me to just relax and only be alarmed if I was bleeding and cramping.
Try as I might,I was just so uneasy and could not shake the feeling that something was not right. I read about missed miscarriages and was convinced that was what I was experiencing.
Myself and my husband went to the EPU exactly three weeks to the day I had got my BFP.I had taken him with me,excited at the prospect of us hearing our baby’s heartbeat together for the first time.I was absolutely giddy with excitement and had already decided how we would ‘cherish’ that moment as one of the most special ‘firsts’ of our life.
I went in for the scan and the sonographer silently scanned my belly. The panic set in and I started to cry.He asked to do an internal examination and,as I asked him why this was necessary when my baby had previously been visible on an external scan,I was gripped with fear.I consented to the internal,but sobbed throughout.He then said he needed to call somebody else in and that just cemented my fears.Just two sentences and my world seemed to collapse:’I’m sorry.There’s no heartbeat’.
I was inconsolable.It was indeed a missed miscarriage.My baby’s heart had stopped beating at 7wks and 3 days.There’s no reason for these things.Things may get moving naturally in a few days,but I may need a procedure to ‘remove the product of my conception’.I couldn’t function.The staff were absolutely amazing,so supportive and kind; they asked me to come back the next day as they knew I was in no fit state to discuss anything with them at that moment in time.
I text my Mum,told her to tell those who knew,(very close friends and family),and said I did not want sympathy or a ‘fuss’;I wanted them to laugh and talk around me as normal;I did not want this brought up.It just felt better that way.
I returned to the hospital the following day-a Tuesday-by myself to fill out some paperwork. A date for the procedure was set.I would have an ‘ERPC’ on Friday,one day before our 4yr wedding anniversary.
I had told the hospital I did not want a cremation as it is not in line with my beliefs.I know that may sound silly to some,but I found great comfort in my faith,especially in a particular verse which stated that the miscarried foetus will pull its mother by its umbilical cord into Heaven,the pure baby refusing to be separated from its mother in the afterlife as it was in the worldy life. I did not want to jeopardise this reunion in any way and the hospital staff kindly agreed to allow me to have my baby’s remains so I could lay them to rest as I saw fit.
The medication provided to me a few hours before the procedure induced vomiting and had me writhing around on the floor in pain.It had kickstarted the natural process.The surgery and recovery were physically not too painful,but the emotional pain was-and still is-inexplicable.I refused to discuss it with my Mum as she would have been more pained to know exactly how much I was hurting and I just didn’t feel right talking to anybody else anyway:it made it real and I could not cope because I could not put the depths of my pain,the hollowness in my womb,the searing pain in my heart in to words.There are literally no words.I held it together around everyone else and then,on a night,in bed,the floodgates opened and I cried to the point of exhaustion.
The walk out of the hospital with my tiny baby’s little cardboard ‘coffin’ was the worst walk of my life.My legs felt like lead.Everything seemed to move in slow motion.This was the only time I would ever carry my baby.The pain is just indescribable.Me and my husband laid our first child to rest in a beautiful location,with a note from me,apologising for not being strong enough to carry and protect my baby and promising I would always love it,remember it and look forward to being reunited with it in Heaven.
The months that followed were exhausting,but my friends and family were amazing.I kept trying to stay positive,but my periods had again become very infrequent,(I had one period in 3mths and was convinced the procedure had again thrown my entire cycle out of the window.I was terrified that this would make it almost impossible to conceive as the less frequent my periods,the less chance of conception).People had said the first 6mths after a miscarriage are when you are most likely to become pregnant again,but that didn’t happen.I had some internal scans and they confirmed that the procedure didn’t damaged anything internally,so it may just be that my hormones need to regain balance.
Meanwhile,the wandering eyes over my tummy before they meet my face,the constant question:’No babies yet’?and the:’Hurry up!It’s your turn now’!comments continued.I needn’t state how mentally and emotionally draining and how hurtful these things are when you are STC or have suffered a miscarriage. I struggle with this pain and worry about conception every day.It is an overwhelming feeling.
Throughout it all,my family and friends have been incredible,which leads me on to my predicament: my best friend,who I love like a sister and who I truly believe is my soulmate,is now TTC.
She is married and I did know this day would come,but I always thought I would be pregnant by then and pushed any other thoughts aside. As far as I was aware,she was not planning on TTC or at least another 6mths or so and today,I got a message from her saying she has now stopped using contraception.I am floored.
I love her to absolute pieces,but I am petrified that this will impact our friendship,which is something I really do not want to happen.She is absolutely entitled to her own life and happiness.She does not and should not have to wait for me to be in a position where I have/am having a family before she should feel able to do the same,but I just do not know if I can be happy for her.I want to adore any child(ren) she may have like I would my own.I genuinely do.I want to be happy and excited if the need arises,but I just cannot fathom it whilst I am in this position myself.I just can’t be overjoyed like I normally would be/should be as her best friend and surrogate sister and it is so painful.
I keep thinking about how I will feel if she gets pregnant whilst I am still struggling and I know I will find it very difficult,because I have with other people.With them,however,they are colleagues,or people I am acquainted with,so we’re not really a part of one another’s lives.I wouldn’t be involved in their pregnancy,their child,their lives.This is my best friend.I want to be a part of all that with her.It’s how I always imagined it to be,but I am dreading her telling me she is pregnant if I am not;dreading discussions about her pregnancy,watching her tummy swell,being part of a baby shower and cooing over a little bundle of perfectness that I cannot yet have myself and I feel awful for feeling this way.I feel like such a horrible person and that is making this worse because I genuinely want to be happy for her but,at the moment,I just can’t be and I’m scared.
Please understand I have never ever EVER been jealous of my best friend,(or any friend).I am not materialistic and have always been happy and proud of her achievements and acquisitions,like any true friend should.She has always been there for me and I appreciate her so much.I couldn’t love her more if I tried.This is the first thing I have ever felt this way about and I just cannot control it.I am petrified and I don’t know how to cope.I don’t want to lose her and I want to be there for her and be a part of this amazing journey with her,but how can I be when seeing a random pregnant woman/baby almost physically makes me double over to try and combat that hollowness in the pit of my stomach and this would be my best friend and her baby?It’s too close and I’m so scared.
Is there anyone who has been in a similar situation and may be able to help?
Thank-you.