Ranty post because I’m overly hormonal

[Bubblegum89]

Just need a little rant.

Been ttc for 16 months now with no pregnancies. I have a DD who is 9 and from a previous relationship. I’ve never hidden the fact we are ttc and I’m happy to talk about it. But my mum really doesn’t seem to be interested.

My younger sister is pregnant and ready to pop. I’m obviously so happy for her and everything but it’s like I no longer exist. Before you think that sounds really bratty, let me explain lol. I write a blog about our infertility journey and sometimes I will write about how I feel emotionally as well as all the physical stuff. I felt low over Christmas what with all the baby talk but I don’t like to show that in front of my sister because I don’t want her to feel guilty at all so I just blogged about it. My mum however, somehow found it and read it and messaged me saying I was being selfish and making them look bad and that I was overshadowing my sister’s “time”. It really upset me so I just stopped talking to her about anything.

Whenever we go round to my mums she never asks how things are going or when our next tests are etc. We used to tell her all about them but she would just kind of say okay and then change the subject onto my sister. The other day, I was there and me and OH both mentioned we had a lot of hospital appointments this month, just to see if she would ask about them, and she said “oh your sister has a hospital appointment tomorrow”. Me and my sister, mum and some other family members went for a curry on Saturday and I may as well have not been there. Every time I said something, literally just anything, my mum spoke over me telling everyone stuff about my sister.

Now, I don’t mind my sister taking the limelight. My mum said to me that I’ve had my turn. I got pregnant at 18 and was in an abusive relationship and nobody really cared that much that I was pregnant or made any kind of fuss so I’m not sure how that was classed as my turn but anyway. My sister is actually the only person who is interested in how things are going with us when she should be the one person just worrying about herself. I know the person having the baby is going to be far more interesting than the person who can’t but I don’t know, she’s my mum, is she not supposed to be supportive even a little bit? I get she’s excited about my sister but am I wrong to want her to show an interest in our issues too?

My OH’s mum asks us all the time how things are, when are tests are/how they went etc. If I was secretive about it or didn’t like to talk about it, then I would understand why she didn’t bring it up but we try to bring it up and she outright ignores it and blatantly changes the subject and not just to any old thing but to my sister and her pregnancy.

It just gets me down because I don’t have a lot of people to speak to and I feel like out of everyone, my mum should be the most supportive. Am I just being a spoilt brat? I feel like I’m being totally unreasonable but then a part of me is like, why is she not at all interested? I spent a whole day last cycle in floods of tears, sobbing and telling my OH I didn’t want to do it anymore. Not one part of me thought to speak to my mum. I know she wouldn’t be interested, she would just tell me to suck it up and get on with life (she has told me in the past that I should just get over it and live my life instead of worrying about it) Am I being stupid?

I think maybe not everyone can be what you want them to be. At least you have a decent sister, OH and MIL. I hope you get a BFP soon xxx

I know you say that you are OK talking about it, but maybe your mum isn't? Her changing the subject may be her way of avoiding a difficult topic for her. Obviously it is a horrible situation for you to be in and you deserve support, maybe it is painful for her to see you hurting so she is trying to cheer you up and stop you dwelling on it (in a misguided way). Struggling to conceive is an awkward topic to get right without offending someone, she might genuinely not know what to say.

@Bubblegum89. I completely feel for you and understand where you are coming from.

Whilst I agree that ttc chat makes some people uncomfortable, whether it makes your mum comfortable or not she should at least acknowledge you - it's her job, she's your mum and should be there for you.

I know some people see an imaginary cut off point of 18, when parents can stop being parents but i don't think it's how it should be.

I'm ttc after a missed miscarriage last summer and last week I finally blurted it out to my Dad after I'd had some hormone blood work done. My mum had already told him (which annoyed me as I told her not to, he had been poorly last year and I didn't want to upset him).

I could tell that I'd moved him out of his comfort zone but he pulled up his big boy pants and was my Dad. He told me that it would be ok and asked me what the tests were for and what they would do with the results.

My mother, on the other hand is not the same. When I try to talk to her about it and i either get a "Mmm" followed by a swift topic change or a "You've already got children". Like you, I had a baby as a teenager - apparently that makes you exempt from adult happiness! You've had your turn already :-/

Since when was there an infinite amount of "goes"?? My Mum has never liked me being pregnant/having children, even when it was under "perfect circumstances". My brother and his wife are planning on ttc their second next year and it will be the talk of the town!

Wow sorry that was long!

A bit of a guess here, but is it your sister’s first baby? In my experience people are always super interested in number 1, but less so for subsequent pregnancies. Maybe your mum is a bit less interested because you already have a child? And your mil is v invested because it’s your dp’s first?

Some people really don’t understand that it can still be heartbreaking struggling to conceive a second child, they seem to think that because you already have one it’s not the end of the world if you never get pregnant again. My mum is a bit like this - it took ages for us to conceive #1 and she was a brilliant source of support. But since ttc #2 she’s much more like “oh well, at least you have DS so chin up!”.

Unless people have experienced it, they can be pretty useless!

Thanks for your replies, ladies. I think it’s a case of an impending baby is more interesting than talking about blood tests and HSG’s. My OH said that she’s just caught up in all of the pregnancy stuff with my sister and he is probably right but I just feel like when you’ve got children, you can’t just ignore one because the other is doing something more exciting. Maybe I’m just being silly though. I don’t get the feeling she is uncomfortable talking about it or that she isn’t interested because I’ve already had a child (my DD was her first grandchild and she didn’t really bother with me during my pregnancy nor when DD was little unless I went to her first) it just feels like she doesn’t care. She’s not a very caring, empathetic person anyway. If I’m ill, she tells me to get over it. Once I had a horrendous stomach virus and was in agony, vomiting all the time and in so much pain and she text me and said “you need to make sure you still go to work because you can’t afford to be off.” Didn’t ask how I was or anything lol. So I don’t really know why I expected her to be any different now.

I didn't want to read and run, as silly as it seems your Mum may well feel your pain of not getting pregnant yet but doesn't know how to say it. Hope it works out soon ❤️ and enjoy the latest bundle of joy your sister is having

@Bubblegum89. Are you sure you aren't my sister? LOL. Your mum sounds like mine "you need to make sure you still go to work because you can’t afford to be off.”

Haha looking my mum is only ever critical and never supportive of me. You can never do anything to please her. Example one time, she told me I need to get a job (was in-between work at the time) and she would watch DD so I got one and then she complained that she was having to always look after DD and had no free time so I changed jobs to part time so I could have DD instead and then she was all “you need to earn more” so I got another job but even two jobs isn’t good enough lol my dad is even worse.

And the thing is, I don’t want her to sit and have a heart to heart with me or anything. I just want her to say “have you got any hospital appointments lately? How are they going?” Or ask how my tests went. I don’t really need her to talk about it, just to ask how we’re feeling. My OH’s mum will just ask if she’s on the phone or we’re round and I’ll say “we’ve got an appointment on such and such a day and we’ve got this test coming up” and she will just say something like “oh well that’s good, at least you’re on your way to finding out what’s wrong. Let me know how your test goes”. I do totally get that infertility can be awkward to talk about but I don’t really want my mum to talk about it if that makes sense, just even pretend to be interested. The other day I was telling my grandma I had been to the dermatology clinic and have to have another mole removed and she was asking me about it and my mum must have overheard because she said “well it was nice of you to tell me...” Not interested in how it went or what the dr said or why I have to have it removed, just a sarcastic remark about how I hadn’t told her but I just don’t think it should be me making the effort to divulge everything when she never makes an effort to ask :(

Heya rant away that is what we are here for. It's so shitty and I feel your every word on here hun. I posted the other day about being baby bombed by my ex's sister I'm like why even am I bothered about her!!!! Anyways I do feel for you. Mothers aren't easy mine is lovely but is so desperate for a grandchild. I have a younger sister and I don't know how I'd be able to deal with what you're going through if it was her. I does sound though that she's there for you so I would reach out to her and tell her about your mum and how it's making you feel you might be surprised xx

owlpatrol thank you :) I did tell my sister about how my mum was upsetting me a bit but I don’t know if she said anything and if she did, it doesn’t seem to have made a difference. Oh well. I have my OH and his mum and also his brothers and his brother’s girlfriends that ask about how things are going when I see them (one of them is my OH’s twin brother and they’re bloody joined at the hip so are always on the phone to each other and so he always asks how we’re doing) and then my sister, although she doesn’t necessarily always ask but I’m happy to tell her things because I know she cares and she will always want to know more. She text me the other night saying she’d been thinking about me. It’s just little things like that that I really appreciate, I don’t really want any grand gestures. I’m lucky I have the people I do though. I said to my OH last week that if I ever by some miracle get pregnant, I’m going to tell all of the people who have been a big support to me before I tell all the people who didn’t ever bother asking how things were or how we were feeling with everything lol I realise that is super bitchy as it means telling other people before my mum but I was just so annoyed. Even my boss asks me how things are going and when and what our next tests are haha. I suppose it could be worse and I could have nobody. I guess it’s just one of those things

sending you all the hugs in the world and hope you will soon have your hearts desire . this ttc journey is the toughest I have been on and thank goodness for the mumsnet ladies. all the best bubble

Your mum is not going to change.
You need to change how you react to her

Not really sure what you mean by that AJPTaylor but thanks anyway. I know she isn’t going to change which is why I’m not bothering to keep her updated anymore. If she wants to know, she can ask and if she doesn’t ask, then she won’t know. Was just more a rant than anything lol

Rant away. My dmum has numerous things to say that upset me. I realised that she wasnt going to stop. To anyone else it was pretty mild but it triggered huge upset in me. So genuinely i decided to stop reacting to it.

Sorry your mum is like that too. I guess that sometimes mums just aren’t what you want them to be. I’ve never been close to mine so it’s not a huge disappointment but sometimes it gets to me a little. But there are other people besides her so I’ll hold onto that instead :)

I feel for you OP.
It's easy to say just stop telling her/cut her out but it's your mum, of all the people in the world she is the person who should genuinely care and be interested no matter what's going on in anyone else's life
I have 2 younger brothers and my mum's never really tried to hide that her boys are her favourites and i think i accepted that at quite a young age so i've never really been close to my mum either.
My brother and his dp are expecting a baby and i'm really struggling to deal with how obsessed dm is about it, it was one of those 'accidental pregnancies' they had only been seeing each other a couple of months. So i found it quite difficult to deal with anyway, we were just approaching the 6 month ttc mark when they announced. But i feel dm is making it so much harder, she's literally never away from their house doing everything for them and every conversation seems to come back to them and how excited she is about the baby, i can literally count on one hand the amount of times my dm has been in my house (we all live within 10 miles of each other so nothing to do with travel) I never see or hear from her unless I call/message her but she speaks to my brother and his dp on a pretty much daily basis. I know it all sounds petty but it's a horrible feeling to feel like your mum doesn't really give a shit about you.

Merrz that is exactly my mum. My sister’s pregnancy was an accident and she had only been with her boyfriend for around 9/10 months. I was at the 8 month mark of ttc when she told me she was pregnant. Obviously I was jealous but honestly, her and her OH are lovely and I’m genuinely happy for them. But like your mum, mine has become obsessed. She goes round to theirs all the time, think she’s been to ours 5 times and all of those times were when we asked her to come round. My sister and her OH are round at my mums all the time and I now actively avoid going down because I don’t have the energy to listen to my mum going on and on about baby stuff whilst blatantly ignoring me. She doesn’t ever really call or text just to see how things are (I can recall one time she did as we hadn’t been round in almost a month) It is hard, your mum is supposed to be you’re biggest supporter. Mine never had been but even less so now. Her and my sister were in the car with me at the weekend and she started chatting with my sister like they had this in-joke that I wasn’t included in. It does hurt. I’m sorry you have the same issue. Do you have other people that support you? I have a few so that makes it a little easier

Same here, I feel like i'm a spare part in my family to the point of actually feeling a bit awkward when we are all together. We used to all go to mum's for dinner every Sunday but i just can't face it anymore, it's like torture of constant baby chat and mum hanging out my brothers backside so dh and I only go occasionally now and mum's not even questioned why, it actually does feel like she just doesn't care but if either of my brothers didn't show up I know she'd be straight on the phone to check they were okay. The worst thing is me and db have actually always been really close and i feel like mum is pushing us apart. I thought i was being paranoid at 1st (I admit I was very jealous and irrationally angry about the new baby coming that wouldn't be mine) so just tried to suck it up until dh started commenting on it which made me feel better because i know i'm not imagining it, so he's really good and been a great support and i have a couple of close friends who i can talk to, although they both have fantastic relationships with their dm's so they don't really understand.