mmcs and ttc, and now a pg test. I could do with a chat.

[MichealBurnham]

I have a 7yr old, conceived quickly, cooked and delivered no problems.

Since 2014, I have had 3 mmcs (and 3 ERPCs). The first was conceived quickly but only discovered at 14 wks that a mmc had occurred around 8-9 wks. The second took 6mths, had a healthy heartbeat at 8wks, but measured no bigger by my 12wk scan. Third took 8mths and was all over by 8wks.

The third pg was tested and found to have chromosomal abnormalities. DH and I were tested and there were no genetic issues found so it was put done to chance. Further tests found no reason for the mmcs.

Since the last mmc, we have been ttc for over 2.5yrs with no success. My cycles started to get longer and eventually it was discovered that I was not ovulating, or at least not every cycle, so was put on clomid.

This was the third cycle of clomid, more than 4 years after first ttc. I have started to come round to having an only and putting ttc behind us. Of course I wanted another, but am starting to believe that 'giving up' could be liberating and open up lots of options for our family as it is. I was going to call and ask for another appt and to get the results of my day 21 prog blood test today, but I thought I'd better do a test just in case they asked so I could tell them the clomid definitely hadn't worked.
It was positive.

I have no idea how to feel about it. I can't be happy when I cannot (and will not) convince myself that it might be ok this time. I'm not sad, because I wanted another child and one won't just materialise, I need to get pg first! I don't know how I feel about the plans with our wonderful only I had started to make and are now uncertain. I am not scared of the process of mc again, but am scared of the emotional toll it takes and of dealing with my own and others disappointment and my sense of failure. I just don't know what to think.

Thanks if you've read all of that. I just wanted to get it down, and feel better already for dong so! And if one of you lovely lot have can offer any advice or a handhold that would be lovely too. x

Almost as distressing - I've just realised I've misspelled my namechange

No words of wisdom or advice but you’ll get more of a response on the pregnancy or antenatal testing boards!

Thanks. I dithered over a few topics. Infertility or pregnancy didn't seem quite right, but had forgotten about the antenatal boards.

Sorry to hear what you've been through. I can understand the not wanting to get excited/ hopeful. I think this is just going to be a very long and stressful 12 weeks for you. Be kind to yourself, perhaps give yourself a little treat each day.

Sorry to hear what you’ve been through. I think once you’ve had a miscarriage you loose the ‘innocence’ that women who are pregnant and haven’t miscarried have. You are too aware that things can and do go wrong and that it can happen to you. It does take a toll on you and for me, my lost babies will never be forgotten. I echo what a previous poster said, be kind to yourself - you will worry and as you know there’s not much you can do except cross your fingers. I would ask for an early scan and regular scans if you can get them. And if the worse does happen, don’t blame yourself, you’re not a failure, sometimes life is shit.

I forgot to say... I love your username

Thanks At least a username is easy to fix!

Thanks both. That's a good way of putting it, about losing your innocence. Even IF this one does go the distance, the experience will still be stressful rather than joyful. I think of how I was during my first pg, not a care in the world and I'm glad I got to experience that but I now realise how naive I was! Also, since then someone I know had a very stressful, touch and go pg, ending in a stillbirth. It stripped that innocence away further, and also makes me feel bad for feeling bad about my relatively minor problems! But as you say, sometimes life is just shit.

I will try and do something nice everyday, thank you, and will take myself off to the early pg unit on Monday and get the madness kicked off. x