Partner agreed to have kids but reluctantly. Should we TTC?

[tikha]

I am 38 and my partner of a few years is 37. I am ready to move on the next phase and TTC but he felt that he needed freedom and didnt really want anyone. When he realised how much I wanted kids he came around to the idea because we love each other and really couldn't see ourselves being apart but he is ambivalent. He agreed to TTC for my sake. He has had childhood trauma and abuse which may be affecting his idea of family. Not sure whether we should go ahead..

Hmm I started TTC at your age after my DP finally agreed ( after talking for about 5 years) He was too cautious because of his own childhood and didn't want to turn into his Father. We had our child and he bonded from the beginning through lots of one on one time and he 's so happy he's a father now. I saw how he was with me - very open, able to connect easily and show love and also moral, dependable so knew he could be the same with a child . How is your partner's personality?

He's warm and caring. Always trying to look out for me and he loves animals especially kitties.. I have a feeling he will make a great dad but don't want to push too much.

That's tricky. Babies are hard work, really hard. I'd be reluctant to have a baby unless you're solid as a couple and he's fully on board. Otherwise your relationship is unlikely to survive the strain kids place on it. However you're at an age where you may not have time to find someone else to have kids with, if you think about how long it would take to find them and build a relationship, so I'd probably crack on and hope for the best. Maybe consider what you'd do and how you cope if you found yourself a single parent.

Has your partner ever had any therapy or counselling for his childhood trauma and abuse? Whether or not he’s had some in the past it would probably be helpful for him to have some now. Hopefully a therapist could support him to address his understandable ambivalence about becoming a parent. Maybe he is afraid of it bringing back traumatic memories or that he won’t be able to be a good parent because he didn’t have good role models. Those things can be overcome but not without some help.

I suggest you encourage him to contact NAPAC and consider therapy or counselling.

I also wouldn’t start TTC until he has done more to address his feelings and is more positive about it. Pregnancy, labour and most importantly looking after a baby are bloody hard work even with a supportive partner. I couldn’t do it with someone who wasn’t on board.

To be honest, at 38 I’d get cracking. I’m the same age as you and despite being over 35 at the time we ttc, it took me 2 years to get an IVF referral for infertility. You don’t have that kind of time as most clinics stop taking referrals when you turn 40.

That's good , then I would start trying. He wouldn't have changed his position without thought. Some men are all enthusiastic from the beginning but haven't thought it through and it doesn't end well. I was conscious during pregnancy that it was all my idea and he was doing it all for me but he has been a proper parent and even kind of proving to his parents how a Dad should behave I think.

Based on your age, if you want kids just go ahead anyway. Maybe he will get on board fully, maybe not but you will have the children you want either way.

I walked away from the great love of my life when he came back to me after a year-long break-up and said he wanted to get back together and thought he could be “talked into” having kids. We’d broken up because he couldn’t give me a definite yes or no about whether he saw kids and marriage in our future. I was 29 at the time and I didn’t want to convince him if he still needed to be sold on the idea.

Sometimes I second-guess the decision to walk away because I still think he was The One insofar as such a thing exists. But I have two wonderful school-age children now and he still doesn’t have any yet so I guess that’s my answer right there.

OP did you say he already had children?

Tbh if you want kids I'd go for it. Before I had kids the idea of being a single parent terrified me. I now have kids and it's been one if the most brilliant things that has happened to me. My relationship is good, but even if we split I'd still be glad we had the kids. One of my best friends is a single parent and it really isn't the end of the world. It helps that he'd be a really decent co-parent if it came to that.

He doesn't have any children. We are just so happy together and he is slowly coming to terms with his past and any idea of family. In terms of his past, he is quiet cagey about it but sometimes comes up with off the cuff remarks which makes me think.. wow! how could you go through this much as a child and still keep it together. He would never be keen on talking about his feelings or counselling but maybe that will change in the future.

I agree at 38 if I really want kids I need to start. I held off so long because of his ambivalence. When I actually gave him an ultimatum about our future together and he realized how hurt I would be, he suggested that he would reluctantly come on board. T

Its really hard to think about TTC amongst all this but in some ways .. biological clock comes up time and time again for women. I really appreciate the suggestions and the supportive messages.

Well, I wouldn’t have children with someone who wasn’t willing to talk about their feelings, because I think emotional literacy is crucial in a relationship and also a crucial skill to pass onto your children.

I would hate to have something big from the past that affected things but couldn’t be talked about, a poisonous elephant in the room.

Bear in mind that becoming a parent yourself almost invariably stirs up, psychologically, whatever shit from your own childhood you've been suppressing or avoiding, not to mention puts you and your relationship under the most intense stress of your life. In short, expect the shit to hit the fan around whatever his childhood stuff is if you do conceive.

You are in a tough spot because your time is limited and it is possible this guy will turn out to be a good father. But I think I would make seeking counselling a prerequisite of both ttc and continuing the relationship for him. Like AnotherEmma says, a man who just bottles stuff up and has no emotional literacy isn't demonstrating great skills or role modelling to teach his children, and the top is very, very likely to blow off that bottle under the pressure.

The first 6 months to a year is SO hard on a relationship and so draining generally I personally think you're either fully on board or you're not on board. That, of course, has no bearing whatsoever on whether you decide to go ahead and risk his commitment anyway given the biological clock issue.

Would you be happy with never having children? If the answer is no then, at 38, I would crack on with ttc. Time is against you and you risk missing the boat if you wait for your partner to get over his childhood. My mother was abused as a child and at 60 she still receives counselling because of it.

I think its extremely selfish of your partner to say he would reluctantly have a child. He's giving you a guilt trip. Very manipulative.

He might be a great dad or it could all end in tears. But that's a chance we all take when we decide to start a family. No relationship is gaurenteed. There's a phrase I've heard afew times over the years. "You'll never regret the children you have but you will regret the children you don't have". This is soo true. I know many single mothers and not one of them has ever wished they didn't have their child just because the relationship didn't work out.

Mr theunsure is still slightly panicked about having given the green light to go ahead.
He has a dreadful and complicated relationship with his woefully inadequate family and siblings which is, as he fully admits, completely tarnishing his view of being a parent. He is scared of making the same mistakes his parents did, he knows nothing about children and just seems the financial hardship and all the negatives that come with it. if I was to say that I had changed my mind he would I think breathe an enormous sigh of relief.
But that is not because he doesn't want to do it - it is just he is scared to and it is far easier to go with the fear than it is to face it.

Our relationship is fab, we have been through so much together over the years and I know this will not damage us (if we do manage to conceive or if we don't). But I am never going to have DH jumping up and down with excitement about it - it is not his way. He maintains he is doing it for me (although I know that is not really true as every now and then he lets it slip).

OP - only you know what your partner really thinks and whether this will be good or bad for your relationship. Some people are never truly sure about being parents - I am not either. Doesn't mean it isn't the right thing to do.