Falling Apart

[Mirana]

Sorry for being so negative on New Year’s Day but I really need some support, I’ve been in tears all day and my partner resembles a deer caught in headlights (he has done his best). I’m using a friends account to get some advice as I’m so embarrassed.

I just feel so hopeless. We have been trying since March and -nothing- has happened. We got pregnant by surprise in sept ‘15 and had a MMC. We were scared to try again until this year, but now nothing is happening.

I ovulated on Christmas Day and we DTD but I can’t even bring myself to buy tests for next week as I’m so certain I’ll be left looking at an empty window or “not pregnant” again. Trying for a baby is supposed to be exciting but it just feels like month after month of disappointment.

I was stupid and thought if I’d fallen on the pill I’d get pregnant within a few months of being off of it - totally wrong. I mentally prepared myself for the fact we could miscarry again, it could take a few tries, but never that I wouldn’t fall pregnant at all.

How do you deal with this? How do you pick yourself up month after month? Some of you try for far longer than us but stay so positive - how do you do it? I need help.

Also to add I would be implanting around now but I haven’t even had the faintest twinge. Nothing.

You seem to have big anxiety. I'm sorry for your loss. Everyone deals with it differently. I've had 3 miscarriages & they are awful but I have 2 wonderful children now too.

You're right that plenty of people go on for years trying. Maybe you should try some mindfulness or counselling to help you cope with waiting & the parts you can't control. Goo luck

Most people don't feel anything when implanting. How old are you?

Why or write yourself (and dh) a 2018 bucket list that doesn't involve dtd? Chances are it will happen when you least expect it!
You risk massive issues putting so much pressure on yourself, and dh, and ultimately your marriage.

Thanks for the kind words, I know I probably sound like a lunatic!

Im 27, hitting 28 early next year.

I suppress a lot of these feelings as we are so fortunate. I think the recent influx of pregnancy announcements (must have been something in the water) and the realisation a 2018 baby probably won’t happen have hit me hard.

We have a 30 before 30 list we are working on, and I’m happy in every aspect except this. It feels like no matter how hard I ignore it, it’s always in the back of my mind and I’ve hit a wall now where I don’t even want to test.

DH does so many cute things because he’s excited, even googling different pregnancy announcements but they just make me feel guilty (he has said today he will stop for the mean time).

I fought an eating disorder for many years which I was warned when I got pre advice may cause some issues - starting to think that may be the case :(

Yes it will always be there & you can't control it at all, apart from dtd on best days etc so the best thing is to deal with how you're looking at it.

The only other thing that you may find useful is tracking fertile days-I found the clear blue fertility monitor vg. However, it may be counterproductive for you as it's a extra action every day to reaffirm that you're TTC when you're wanting to think less about it. If you do it set yourself a limit is 4-5 months so you learn when you're peak days fall.

No need to plan ahead-if you do get pregnant there's months to think about announcements. Best thing now is try to stay stress free

I probably found months 10-18 the worst. It was difficult to accept what is (not) happening and that I need help to conceive (if I ever do). I did seek counselling around month 16 and found it a bit helpful. I would still probably be going but my work hours precluded that happening.

Definitely recommend counselling.

Mirana I am sending love to you. I am on month number 13 and feel like a failure. I came off the pill exactly a year ago yesterday and fear it will never happen. Facebook is full of announcements that leave me wanting to cry! I'm definitely going to get a notebook and list things I want to do this year. Fun things with my precious DH. Fun things that aren't based on whether we conceive. We need to live, not survive this next year. We survived 2017 on the is it, isn't it going to happen. This year I'm determined to live. Here if you need any support xx