Terrified after loss

[Seahorsesandunicorns]

Hi there,
I had a MM last month at 13 weeks (baby was 9+4). AF started today and has returned in sync which is either a fluke or lucky for me. I'd had a scan, seen heartbeat at just over 9 weeks and my DC and a lot of people knew about the pregnancy, not because I wanted them to but because I suffer horrendous hyperemis. Basically I'm bed bound and in and out of hospital. I'm desperate for another baby and am hoping to start trying this month but I'm also absolutely terrified of everything again: the HG, the lack of signs I was miscarrying (I was sick for over a week after the surgery), the effect on my children, how I'd deal with another loss. I'm also so peeved that I can never keep my pregnancies sacred as I'm so poorly.

I'm horrendously haunted by the 13 week scan (in which my dc were present and I had to tell them the baby had died) I seriously don't think I could ever walk back into a scan room again.

How do I overcome these fears? I know time will heal them but I'm 36 nearly 37 so feel I don't have much time on my hands. My due date for my lost baby is mid April (same as duchess of Cambridge) and the thought of not being pregnant also terrifies me. Sorry if I sound selfish or blasé. I just feel so worried and anxious 😞Not a good recipe for ttc xx

Hi Seahorse, I'm really sorry to hear about your loss

I don't have any amazing advice but I can share my experience. I had a MMC earlier this year and it was undoubtedly the worst thing to ever happen to me. It was a routine appointment so I went alone (DH was at work) - seeing the lifeless screen and my doctor's face was hideous and something I have replayed in my head over and over again. Having to sit in the waiting room afterwards and compose myself enough to call DH and tell him what had happened and then go straight back to a big meeting at work... looking back it all seems like a bad dream.

I fell pg again 3 months after the D&C and my first feeling when I saw the positive test wasn't YAYYYYYYYYY but fuck, here we go again. I'm 9+4 and have had two positive scans (I had one just yesterday and we heard the heartbeat loud and clear)

DH and I are refusing to get excited yet and aren't even really talking about it with each other which is proving really tricky because I have horrific nausea and fatigue. I'm literally trying to take each day as it comes and not look too far into the future. For now I'm concentrating on my 12 week scan, which is just under 3 weeks away.

Part of me is so angry and sad that my bad experience has had such a negative effect on my pregnancy this time. With DS (pre MMC), I was so naïve and started talking baby names and buying babygros as soon as the second line appeared. All I can reassure myself with is that I've 'survived' MMC one time and if I have to go through it again, I can and I will.

Sending you lots of positivity and luck.

Hi Prime
Thanks for your response. I guess it shows there are no answers and ways to get through another pregnancy are different for everyone. So sorry for your loss, I can't imagine having to go through the scan on your own and then having to go back into work (how awful). I look back on it all and everyone says how strong I was and I know I went on auto pilot. I feel it's now I'm suffering.

Huge congratulations on your pregnancy. I really hope you can relax soon and start to enjoy it. Miscarriage is so cruel that it robs you of that ability. I too was naive as have 3 children so presumed all would be well. Good luck and thanks for your experience xx

Honestly, pregnancy after miscarriage is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. We had two miscarriages between my DS and this pregnancy and it is HARD. I only strayed to feel in any way confident that this pregnancy would result in a baby this week, at 28 weeks, when she is viable should she be born now.

My DH took the second miscarriage at 12 weeks particularly badly and still hasn’t in any way accepted that we are having another baby. This has in turn made it more difficult for me as I haven’t felt particularly supported due to his head in the sand approach.

I don’t think there is any way to make it easier for yourself. You just have to hold on to the fact that you really want another baby and keep trying. I resisted but I would advise some sort of counselling either before or after you get pregnant again, I wonder if it would have helped me accept my pregnancy more quickly. Very best of luck, be brave x

Thank you ohwhatbliss and sorry for your losses.
My DH has also massively struggled to cope with it all. It is only the past couple of days that he has said he will try for another. It must be so hard when your DH wants to bury his head. I know that's exactly what my DH will do too and this sends my anxiety through the roof as im a talker!!
Huge congrats on your pregnancy! PLease try to enjoy the last few months as it's so special (I know I'm contradicting now lol). Really hoping they go quickly for you and you have your gorgeous bundle before you know it. Would it help your DH if you booked a bonding scan for him? Xx

Thank you, I’m starting to enjoy it now I believe we will actually have a baby. We are overseas and have had lots of scans, he’s been to them all but still says he will believe it when she is here.