Dh and I have a DD, almost 7, and we want another child. Pre-ttc. I've started folic acid and had a smear, just waiting for the results the next technically we can start.
I've always be very scared of childbirth, ever since I was old enough to understand it. So when I became pregnant, almost 8 years ago the first thing I did was cry.
Not long into my pregnancy my midwife said I had to come off work on sickness. The reason given was non-specific anxiety. I was feeling angry in a way I never had before.
I couldn't plan very much, I chose a cd I liked to listen to for giving birth, packed a hospital bag, and buried my head in the sand. The only thing on my birthplan was no forceps. I just told myself women have done this for years, it's natural, it will all be fine.
Well it wasn't fine. It was horrible. The pain was unbearable. The tens machine was useless for me. The gas and air wouldn't work because I was screaming instead of breathing. The birthing pool was in use so I couldn't use it. The bath had just been used so they were cleaning it for me. I never got to use even the bath because someone offered pethidine and I took it in sheer desperation and everything went blank. I was just kind of comatose between contractions and then as the next one would build I could feel it and I would come to and scream. It took me about three cycles of this to get the two worlds "help me" out of my mouth to dh. But he couldn't help. No one could. No one could give me an epidural because no one was available - after 10hours it was offered but I was told baby was coming before it would work and because of the uncontrollable convulsions I was having when the contractions came it was dangerous.
Actually giving birth hurt, well 'stung', but I expected that part to hurt. I was kind of relieved when she was here, but the pain was so real even after. I was scared to use the toilet. I was scared she would be stolen. I was scared she would die - the euphoria I felt and the love I felt for her was so scary and overwhelming I decided I didn't deserve this happiness and something will take it away from me. To an extent I still have that fear and she is just about to turn 7.
Sometimes I wonder, did I have PND? Nothing was ever diagnosed.
The recovery was horrible. Painful. I didn't tear, I grazed. That sounds better than a tear, but it was quite terrible. I would cover everything down there with a cold flannel while I used the bathroom and that helped although I felt so ashamed and undignified. After I while someone suggested salt water baths and everything started to feel less sore after that - like I was healing.
I cried so much. I was afraid every time she cried because I had to put her back on the boob and the pain that would bring. Ashamed and a failure I gave up breastfeeding 5 weeks in and things got better. I started to see my baby and I did love her before but I started liking her too.
So after that things picked up I guess. You know, highs and lows and my mental health is never far from my mind. I have to take very good care of myself.
Dh and I decided we would stop at one child. But now we have both admitted we don't want to stop our family at one. We do want another baby, but are so so scared.
Well if you have read this far, thank you. Please talk to me. Share your experiences with me - try not to scare me, try to help me.