When is the right time?!

[Cinderellashoe]

My mind is all over the place! DP has recently said he would quite like a baby. I don't want to rush into it without being 100% sure so am arguing with myself in my head.

I'm 23, will be 24 when we start TTC. Is that too young?
I am a teacher so work long hours, I worry about leaving my job for a year and how that will effect my career progression.
My friends have babies and I adore them but I guess I've just been so career driven/working long hours to really sit down and talk about our own children with DP.. until now!

DP and I own our own home and have been together for a long time and I know he would never say this off the cuff he is serious. I am probably the more reserved one but have been thinking 'why not now?' For a while.

Is there ever a right time? Am I too young?
TYIA x

Someone has once told me the time is always bad and always right to have a baby... it's so true! You'll make it work :)

I am a teacher too and I worried about missing a year of my job but, believe me, once baby arrives, that all pales into the background. I was worried right up until I have birth and then I couldnt care less. I didn't want to go back to work even, and feel blessed that I returned part time. I have recently got my work mojo back again but it will never rule my life again, like it once did. I think you just know when you want a baby and the time is right.

Hi Cinderellashoe! I'm in a similar situation - my dh is 25 and I'll be 25 when we start ttc in a couple of months. I don't think it's too young if you're happy and settled. We own our own home too, been married for a year and have good jobs so it feels like the right time but I do worry about things like the cost of childcare as I would want/need to go back to work fairly soon (6-7 months ish). At least you have rl friends to talk to - I'll be the first of my friendship group to have kids

Thanks for the thoughts, we are financially fine he has a great job and I have been at my school a while so am entitled to good mat pay. We aren't married but have discussed plenty of times that it's not a priority and will happen one day. It's just niggling me that in this century 24 seems quite young! I feel ready but I worry about being judged (I know I shouldn't!) In a way I want to do it now before I have progressed further in my career and have to leave more responsibility for someone else, it does worry me about taking all that time off work but I know I'd be like you VJones and not care once baby is here!

Nesting1 6-7 months isn't so bad, would you be PT/leaving baby with family?

There's never a good time.

I had one during my degree, and another 4 months before starting my NQT year. I don't recommend that route, but it was fine if fucking hard work for us!

I honestly know how you feel, I sometimes most of the time feel like we'd be judged as too young but I know we'd be happy and ready and that's the most important thing. I think that we're lucky to have found the person we want kids with so early ;) Where did the whole too young in twenties even come from anyway?!
I'm sure I'd be able to reduce my hours initially and work back up to full time but childcare would be at least £900/month! My mom would be so excited after she's got over the shock so im sure she'd volunteer for one day. Do you have any support from family? Would you be able to reduce your hours?

Exactly! I don't know, my mum had me 'young' (in her 20's) and wasn't classed as young back then! I think I'm overthinking it! Yes I could definitely reduce my hours I would like to do 3.5-4 days ideally rather than 5. I am also very lucky that I have family willing to help out with childcare. I think I'm just worrying myself over nothing, the more I say it out loud the smaller the negatives seem. It's just I worry I'm too young!

Sounds like the only "negative" you have is your age! And this is only negative because of what other people may or may not think. I have to keep telling myself that you can't please everyone, there will always be someone who disagrees with you - but if it's what you want, you feel it's right and you're happy I think that's all you need to think about :) Do you feel like there is anything else you want to achieve before baby?

I am not one to ever make spontaneous decisions hence the constant back and forth arguing with myself! Only other thing is my career. It's scary putting it on hold because it's so full on and such a huge part of my life. But that won't be any easier in say 5 years if anything it will be harder so it's something I think I can overcome despite it being scary right now! We won't TTC until the new year though (hopefully try for an autumn baby!) it's all very exciting but scary at the same time :) thank you for your kind advice

If you feel at that stage of your life, then go for it. A lot of such young couples wait as they are more in the mindset of going out, travelling of building their careers. I would also give some consideration to marriage. Even if you aren't fussed with the traditional or romantic aspects of it, there are some financial considerations. In case of a relationship breakdown, unmarried women are often in a much more vulnerable position. (You often see threads about that popping up if you fancy a read).

Tbh I don’t know where the attitude has come from for people ttc in their 20s.I was quite taken back how people judged telling them to live there lives more.

I am 23 been with DP who is 26 for 8years we both own our home. I feel that right now is right for us to have a baby.

I really believe if you feel that now is the right time then go for it, I wouldn’t let anyone else’s opinion let you put your life on hold 🙂

Agree there is no right time.

Relationship is far more important than time IME. Ask yourself the following:

• Have we been together long enough that I feel I know this person very deeply?

• Am I happy with their attitude towards topics like: Housework, drinking/drugs, driving, work/earning money, family (e.g. contact, supporting elderly), pets, sex? And by this I mean more than lip service. How do they act now? Would you be completely happy if they acted like this after you have a child? Are there changes which need to be made? Don't go into parenthood thinking "He'll [do more housework/drink less/expect less sex] when we have a baby!" - that's a recipe for disaster. Go by how they act now and if they're going to make a change in preparation for baby, wait and see if they stick with it first.

• Do we feel equal, on the same level in all areas? (Career importance, amount of housework, freedom, finances, etc)

• How does my partner support me when I am vulnerable (e.g. ill, extremely stressed, in a difficult situation, etc).

• How do I get on with their family?

• Have we made any major decisions together? How were they handled?

• How do we handle conflict and disagreement? About issues which are emotionally charged?

• If my partner had to make a significant decision which would affect both of us and couldn't consult me, would I be able to trust that they would make a choice that I would be happy with (even if it's not exactly what I would pick)?

• Would I be proud if my child grows up and takes after my partner?

Do you want to get married? Far easier to sort the wedding etc before DC because you have more disposable income and free time! It's also a pretty handy "test run" for some of the above

You may want to talk about (with him)

• Opinions/expectations about child discipline, schooling, any other parenting issues.

• The possibility of him being a SAHD/taking paternity leave/career break/going back to work part time/doing flexible working in order to manage school drop offs and/or appointments. Not because you necessarily need to do any of this, but because it's always assumed that these are possibilities for women but hardly ever assumed that they are possibilities for men. Talking about it from the start means it's much more likely you'll make a balanced decision based on who wants to stay at home more or whose career can handle it or simply just share this part more equally, because the possibility will be present mentally for both of you.

• How you'd cope/deal with it if you found out your baby would be disabled during pregnancy or after birth.

• How you're planning to manage finances.

• Total number of kids/kid spacing (being aware this is not always under your control!)

• Proximity in age to friends' kids, cousins, etc - if relevant - being the first to have DC is also relevant BTW because it means you end up out of step. Not the end of the world but definitely changes relationships.

I don't think age matters if the other stuff is in place, with the caveat being if you're 19, it's much less likely to be in place! At 23/24, it's definitely possible but you might want to wait on a couple of issues if you're unsure - the nice part is you have time.

Good luck! :)

But why do you think you are too young? Is there stuff you want to do first that you havent yet done? Holidays? Travel? Bought a sports car?
It doesnt matter what anyone else thinks.

I had my DD when I was 25 and my partner 27, no one has expressed concern or said we were too young because we were in a stable relationship and had the means to look after a baby.

Even if anyone did say I was ‘too young’ they’d be told to mind their own business!

Yeah, I’m sure I will miss out on a few things my childless friends are doing but in all honesty, I don’t mind, I much prefer cuddles with my 2 year old monster

The relationship checklist a PP posted is very valuable, I think a lot of those points are ignored and it all ends in tears once baby is here.

Go for it! You sound ready and in a good position for a baby. Being married doesn't change much in a relationship at all.
Try not to worry about missing a year, with a baby it will be the least of your worries.

I have no regrets having my child young. I do feel young at the mum and baby groups. I plan to go back to work part time until I have my next, maybe take a few years out. But then I plan to do a master's to preferred my career which will mean earning more money. This should mean I can stay working part time and still earn a decent wage.

Your priorities will probably change once you have children, but it's all positive change