Partner won't put any effort in

[Lilypad15]

My partner is a nightmare when it comes to sex. I could sit in front of him with my boobs hanging out and he wouldn't budge. He's a "do it in bed in the dark at bedtime" guy unless he's had a few drinks. He just doesn't have much of a sex drive.

Anyway, I have a daughter from a previous relationship but he really wants his own biological child too. He asked could we start ttc so I agreed. We're on cycle 10 and for the first few cycles he was down to bd whenever I was ovulating. But now he's lost interest.

I haven't been using opk's the last few months in an attempt to stop obsessing. But I didn't have any ovulation symptoms this month at the normal time however I've had them since yesterday so I picked up some opk's and got a very strong positive yesterday.

My oh works nights and was doing overtime so about half an hour before he left I mentioned I'd had a positive OPK. He just went "oh right" and started telling me about this documentary he was watching. I did an OPK again today at the same time as I did one yesterday and I got another strong positive. He usually wakes up about 3pm but I accidentally woke him coming in from work at 2pm. I practically waved the OPK in his face and he was like "I'm gonna go back to sleep, wake me up at 3." I've asked him if he still wants to ttc and he says he does because he want a baby more than anything but he will just not put the work in at all. A couple of months ago I was on my period and he asked did we need to have sex then and I was like, no this is literally the opposite fgs. He thought to get pregnant you have to have sex while you're on your period. God knows what school he went to. I've given him plenty of biology lessons but clearly he wasn't paying attention.

How can I get him to take it seriously? I'm ttc mostly for him because he keeps telling me how much he wants us to have a baby together but he's putting in zero effort and demanding sex is just going to make him not want to do it even more. I've half a mind to just tell him I'm going to go back on birth control tbh. Has anyone else had an issue like this? Normal men would be over the moon at getting to shag all the time, honestly it's so frustrating. Even when I'm not fertile lol

Why not stop with the OPK and telling him when you are fertile and just have unprotected sex when you both feel in the mood? It might take longer that way but it doesn't sound as though you are in a hurry. He might be a bit more keen if you stop the biology lessons

Is he actually going to put effort in when the baby arrives?

I couldn't be doing with this kind of half hearted saying one thing and doing another, how can you feel like a team?

But are you prepared to spend your life with this man? You know that now he'll have to have sex with you as he wants a child, but once that's out of the way, he won't see any need at all. He'll be more tired, for one thing.

It sounds as though you're really not compatible - I think you should reconsider having a child with him.

Ha I've known adult women who thought the same about the period thing . Fml!

The lack of sex thing would be an issue for me irrespective of ttc. Has it always been like this? Does it bother you if you weren't ttc?

It sounds like a lot of effort.

It might be that he's feeling under pressure when he hears about opks etc but I understand why you're telling him because it you don't dtd often it's horribly stressful feeling like you're losing months at a time because the timing is off.

Have a calm quiet chat about where you're both at. Tell him you're confused and get frustrated by the difference between what he says and does.

And everything else aside, if YOU don't want another baby please don't do it for him. What would life be life if you got pregnant and then the relationship ended and you're left juggling a baby and your child on your own.

Have you explained to him how TTC actually works? To be fair I didn't know how the cycle works and I'm a woman! Talk to him, explain why you want to DTD at specific times and see where it goes.

Don't stay with a man who has no desire to shag you, it's soul destroying.

If he's not bothering and it's him who really wants the baby I'd just stop thinking about it and get on with my life. If it happens it happens.

I wouldn't bother.

If he's not interested now he probably won't be when the baby is born either.

Thanks for your replies ladies!

So I just sat him down and said if he isn't willing to put effort in then that's fine but maybe I'll go back on birth control until he's decided if he really wants a baby. He was very apologetic and said "but I thought when you're ovulating your period starts and you said you can't get pregnant on your period" (I mean, seriously?!) So despite having explained ttc and ovulation to him a hundred times, I explained it again in literally the simplest terms I could even explaining ewcm to him despite knowing it would make him cringe a bit (mucus isn't a nice word though tbf lol) and then he said he understood and that the other times I'd explained it, I hadn't done so clearly enough. He just kept saying "I'm really sorry! I should have asked you about it when I didn't understand it." He basically thought that you can get pregnant pretty much any time you have sex and when I said you couldn't he said "oh yeah you only ovulate for a week don't you?" Bloody hell. Well he pulled me up the stairs and shagged the absolute hell out of me anyway.

In terms of the rest of the time, we've been together 4 years and he's never been adventurous. He isn't very body confident, he's put on quite a bit of weight since we started dating although I try and build his confidence up all the time. I'm in a slow process of getting him out of his boring routine by having sex in the day time, doing something other than missionary... I WILL get there if it kills me

Wow, well done oh your talk and good for you on the outcome

Fluid is a nicer word than mucus if it helps for future discussions!

I didn't know much about the detail of the process when we started ttc and I bitterly resent how much I know now! Oh to shag, get pregnant and give birth 9 months later...

But sounds like he's getting on board so well done for having another talk.

Do you use an app to track your cycle? I'm using fertility friend and DH is very nerdy about charting these days! Every couple of days he asks if he can see it or what's going on. Hasn't taken anything away from the romance as much as you'd think

Haha thanks Anne it was like pulling teeth but he actually seemed genuinely interested. At the beginning he did used to ask if I had done an opk that day although it's now clear he had no idea what they were actually for lol To be fair to him, when you're in school they do tend to just tell you "don't have sex because you will get pregnant" rather than "you need to have sex on certain days and even then there's still only a tiny chance you'll get pregnant" I kinda wished they'd told us that instead! I feel bad for being annoyed at him because I just thought he wasn't bothering anymore (and I do want a baby myself, badly lol he was just the one who said "hey let's start ttc")

I use Ovia, just to keep track of my fertile days because it will change them in accordance to when my body decides to go crazy and ovulate late or something. I haven't been using opk's lately and I did try bbt for a while but I'm up and down all night peeing and whatnot so it was never accurate. I wish someone had told me 10 months ago that this was going to be so difficult!

Glad to hear you've sorted it out. It's a myth that all men are gagging for sex all the time. I know a lot of men who feel like they have to pretend to their mates that their at it like rabbits just to fit in when there really not. As long as you are happy with the way your sex life is going that's all that matters.