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Conception

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Original poster

Putting off TTC for fear of judgement

26 replies

ccff · 04/09/2017 15:43

Hi. I was wondering if anyone can shed any light on this situation. I am in a loving stable relationship with my partner. We have been living together for three years and we are getting married and buying a house within the year. I have a degree, a career, and savings to support myself. My family like my partner and his family are very accepting of me. We are hoping to start TTC in 12-18 months and I'm desperate for a family but there is one thing that is stopping me. I am really worried that people will judge me for getting pregnant despite it being planned and wanted. I am in my mid 20s and none of my friends are married or having children, and my parents had me in their late 30s. There is a lot of stigma around young parents, and even though I know it is completely wrong and unfair, it is the one thing that is stopping me from enjoying the thought. Imagining my family or friends saying 'oh my god can you believe she's doing that, what a mistake, she's wasting her life and throwing away her youth' behind my back rather than having the happy reaction everyone hopes for is making me second guess whether this is the right decision, even though I know it is for my family. Does anyone feel the same way? I know it shouldn't bother me, but it's such a big deal and I don't want people to be anything but happy for me.

OP posts:

juneybean · 04/09/2017 15:51

Don't be daft, you can't put your life on hold because you worry what people think!

Original poster

ccff · 04/09/2017 15:55

I know, it's completely ridiculous and I can't put my life on hold. But it's something that is constantly niggling in the back of my mind and I don't know how to get rid of it. I would be heartbroken if people were disappointed with me or weren't happy for me, but I get the impression that that would be the case, and I don't know how to handle that.

OP posts:

juneybean · 04/09/2017 15:57

Have a baby and you won't even care what people think. You'll be too wrapped up in your squidgy little newborn.

Original poster

ccff · 04/09/2017 16:00

That made me smile juney! I know you are absolutely right and I should think that every time it crosses my mind or someone makes a comment. It's just one of those things I guess. I want my parents and friends to be happy for me, but if they're not I'll just have to get on with it.

OP posts:

melissasummerfield · 04/09/2017 16:12

I wouldnt say that mid 20s was young? The sooner you stop caring about what people think and do what makes you happy the better imo!

SummerRoberts · 04/09/2017 16:23

Mid 20's is a completely normal age to have children! I'm confused about what you think people would say! If it makes you and DP happy then why would you care what anyone said?

JoJoSM2 · 04/09/2017 16:28

Are you really ready? It sounds like you've come up with the whole scenario in your head because you're ambiguous yourself...

There is nothing wrong with having children in your mid-twenties and there is nothing wrong with putting it off to do other things in life first.

Original poster

ccff · 04/09/2017 16:46

I know, it's not as if I'm really young, but there have been several comments which have made me think that that is the response I'm likely to get. Friends have made comments about how I'm old before my time and settling down has made me boring and how it will be a nightmare when I get married and even moreso if I had children. My siblings rolls their eyes if the topic ever comes up and say I would be stupid to have a child in my 20s. My parents have said please don't have any children for a good few years and that I should be getting on with my career and not even thinking about a family yet. That is without me even mentioning any actual plans I have! I guess I have a nosy family who like to voice their opinions.

OP posts:

Justwaitingforaline · 04/09/2017 16:51

I am a younger parent. I had DD at 20 and 3 years on, we are ttc baby number two.

This is stigma around young parents, I won't lie. I found NCT classes difficult as I was at least 15 years younger than everyone else and I have had some comments about being a parent - I'd also like to add it's probably not helped by me looking a lot younger than I am.

I've made some amazing friends since having DD - mothers my age, older and younger. I've lost a few friends since having her too, mainly due to the idea that I'm not 'fun' any more because I can't go out but nor do I want to. I don't feel as though my life is lacking because of having children younger. There are perks to waiting and perks to having them younger. Do what is right for you and your partner, people will have an opinion regardless.

Whymustyoubringinthebirds · 04/09/2017 16:55

I think that once people know you are pregnant all of that goes out of the window and people are excited for a cute wee bundle arriving

Original poster

ccff · 04/09/2017 16:57

Thanks for your perspective Just! You do hear so much about people commenting on women having children young, and I guess it's especially difficult to rub off when it's not just from strangers. I have already lost a couple of friends in the past few years because I am no longer interested in going clubbing and getting really drunk and would much rather a quiet drink at a local pub or a nice meal out. I think it's an age when people just want different things. You're so right though about people always having an opinion. That's definitely something to bear in mind.

Why - I hope you're right. As has been said above, I'm sure I would stop caring as soon as I found out I was pregnant, and hopefully that would be the same for everyone else.

OP posts:

hellomarshmallow · 04/09/2017 19:49

I had 2 in my mid-20s. You'll probably make new friends, with babies, as you'll have more in common and share similar routines/daily activities. I don't think there's much stigma, but you need to do what you choose to do!

SleepingStandingUp · 04/09/2017 19:51

You're in your mid 20's so minimum 24. In 12-18 months you'll be 26. By the time baby comes you could well be 27. Assuming it goes to plan. That isn't young parent territory

MotherofBoy · 04/09/2017 19:54

Op - fuck em to be quite honest!

This was me. Married at 22, mortgage and first house together shortly after 23rd birthday and pregnant by my 24th. DS is now 2. Half my friends still live with their parents! Had quite a few 'was it planned'? at the time but I just pointed out well I am married have a good career and a house so why not? Then they stopped asking! Now am expecting DC2 at 26yo and no one will bat an eyelid. I grew apart from some friends for a while but once DS was old enough to be left alone and I could do stuff with them one on one again things improved. And I now have lots of very close lifesaving mum friends! Who are all in their late 30s. But we are very close. Age is a number, it's much more important where you are in terms of life stages, readiness etc

Blondie87 · 04/09/2017 20:00

I had my children at 27 and 29. While not exactly young, I was (and still am) the only one out of my close friends to have children. I have a degree and two postgraduate qualifications. It has affected my career progression and social life to some extent but for me it was the right decision. You have to do what's right for you. If I was impacted by what my peers were doing I would not have my wonderful little family. My patents adore being GPs and are certainly not disappointed.

LadyGagarden · 04/09/2017 20:02

Hi op, I was in a v similar situation to you. Met DH at uni, married at 25 and had DD1 at 26 and DD2 at 29. So not really really young but I was the first of my school friends by some margin to have children and in my line of work (law) I think most women have children a lot later. I'm glad I had mine when I did simply because DM died last year and I'm glad my girls (now 9 and nearly 7) got to meet her and were old enough to retain some memories of her (I hope!).Plus my grandad is still alive and they love him to bits. My best school friend is yet to have children and her parents were older when they had her so they are already in their mid 70's.

What I did find though is that it was quite difficult when my friends just could not relate to anything that my life was like post kids. I made new 'mummy' friends but i missed the connection with the old friends. A few of them have got babies and toddlers now and we have a much better connection now they 'get it'!

Wolfiefan · 04/09/2017 20:05

Seriously? If you're that worried about being judged you're not ready to be a parent. The world is full of people judging how you feed and parent and generally bring up your kids. You need to develop your self confidence and have the courage of your convictions.

Loosemoose28 · 04/09/2017 20:10

Ive been with my partner for 8 - 9 months and I am 7 weeks pregnant and planned. Admittingly I thought would take longer due to medical history but clearly it didn't. We have been living with each other since the beginning really. And when the doctor told me I needed to think babies sooner rather than later I had my operation and it all in a rather speedy fashion happened.

Its what we both wanted and we are over the moon. I know alot of people will think its an accidental baby but sod them- my life. I am happy. Be selfish and as long as not hurting anyone think of no.1 but maybe thats just me.

Ttbb · 04/09/2017 20:12

A lot of people are really stupid and childless people are downright ignorant. I was much younger than you when I started having children and honestly doing anything else would have been a waste of time in my eyes. I am still studying etc children or not so it's not like my life before children is completely over. I am also really glad that my grandmother has met her great grandsons and that my father is still young enough to be of help. I am also really looking forward to being a young granny/potentially even going in for round two when DC have gone away to school.

Florence16 · 04/09/2017 21:31

I'm in a similar boat (mid 20's, recently married, in our own home, career ticked off by degree and professional qualification) and have reached the stage of 'fuck it, it's my life'. You're the one who has to live it, so bugger what anyone else thinks. TTC can take ages too, could be nearly 30 before it happens. Don't know til you try

surreygirl1987 · 04/09/2017 21:50

I dob't think it's an age thing, it's a social group thing. I feel exactly the same as you which is ridiculous as I'm 30!! But all my friends are single and living the london life. I've not told them we're ttc and know they'll be shocked! But it's not about other people.. it's about you!!

Original poster

ccff · 05/09/2017 11:18

Thank you so much for everyone's helpful replies! It's so good to hear other people's opinions and experiences.

Surrey - I definitely agree with you that it's a social group thing actually. I am aware that it's not exactly my age or my point in life that is the problem, it's the fact that for everyone else that is not remotely close to being on the cards and they will therefore have a lot to say about it.

It's good to hear that other people in my boat haven't had too many comments and think that I should go with my gut and prepare to ignore it all.

To those of you saying that I'm not ready if I'm concerned about this, I think most people deciding to try for a first child have worries of some sort. I'm just 24 now and so a baby could arrive as early as 25 (although I am aware it could take a lot longer) if we start trying in a year. I know that I still have a few bits to sort out which is why I'm not TTC now, and want to get things in order in the next 12 months.

Thanks again to everyone It's such a big change and one I want to get right. In fact, this has given me the confidence to just get on with it when the time comes

OP posts:

WineAndTiramisu · 05/09/2017 13:27

When I told my DM I was pregnant, she swore and said she thought we'd have waited another few years - I'm 33! So being older doesn't stop the comments lol. Do what's right for you.

ForgetAboutSleep · 05/09/2017 21:37

I'm 27 and have just had my first (I'd just turned 27 when we told people I was pregnant) - have been with DH for 6 years, married for 1.

I had my side of the family cheering 'at last!' and DH's side of the family making comments like 'you're too young' or 'you're rushing into it'. Best one was MIL who was genuinely offended and said she was too young to be a grandparent and didn't want any sort of title relating to a GP. I thought she was joking at first... she wasn't.

We were the first in our group of friends to get married and to even think about having a baby. DH got some banter about it while on lads nights out but everyone was genuinely happy for us.

ForgetAboutSleep · 05/09/2017 21:40

The world is full of people judging how you feed and parent and generally bring up your kids.

Wolfiefan so true! Wish I'd prepared myself before I gave birth. Have just about got used to it now.

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