Miscarriage Mask - a place to moan!

[Chudasama89]

Hi all,
On 5th Feb 2017 I miscarried my beautiful 1st pregnancy at 9 weeks and 5 days. Now, in Aug, I still haven't gotten over it fully.

Everyday since I feel like I'm wearing a happy mask, when underneath I've died and no-one has even noticed that my happy face is a mask, never mind what's under it.

I have distanced myself from my husband. We still talk and say I love you every day, but to me it just feel like words with no emotion from me. I'm like this in all aspects of my life at the moment. I eat food because I'm hungry, but I don't care what the food is. I visit my friends to show them I'm ok when really I'm far from it. And so on...

I'd love to be pregnant again so DH and I are trying for another baby, but when I'm ovulating I don't tell him and avoid getting intimate for a few days to lessen the chance of pregnancy. I know that if I do get pregnant then I will resent the new life because it isn't my original pregnancy - even though the potential new life didn't have anything at all to do with my miscarriage. But then the other half of my brain says, this new life is replacing the old one, so don't get pregnant.

I tell everyone (including DH) that I'm fine, when I'm not.

I haven't even gotten on to the part where my best friend and my cousin are pregnant and between the 3 of us, we only had 4 weeks between all of our pregnancies and there would have been 3 babies this summer. My cousin was overdue and has just had her baby this morning, my best friend is due in 2 days and I would have been due 6th Sept.

I don't feel like I can properly express how I feel, not to anyone, not to DH, not to my mum, not even properly on here because I don't fully understand how I feel myself!!

The smallest of things sets me off crying, like an advert for a choccy bar and you see them pouring the milk? That will set me off because I think, I should be breastfeeding next month but I'm not!
I was watching Cinderella and I cried when she lost her shoe and inside my head I mentally shouted at the TV, "you lost your shoe!? Well I lost my baby, so stop being such a drama queen" and then I think, am I being the drama queen? Should I have gotten over it by now?

Oh, and another thing - everyone in my life is saying it's time to try again. Or its ok because I'm young and I'm most fertile after a miscarriage (insensitive much!!??) Or don't worry because it was only 9weeks so it wouldn't have felt any pain (tell that to the searing pains of miscarriage!! I mean really, if I was in that much pain, imagine what my little life went through!! And now I'm crying...)
I know they're only trying to help but I wish they wouldn't, you know? Sometimes what they say has the best intentions, but can really hurt. Like I can "try again" makes me feel like I failed the 1st time and I couldn't keep my baby in my belly.
Or when they say "you're still young" I feel like saying "no shit Sherlock!"

Am I too bitter?

Has anyone ever gone through this, or IS going through this? Please tell me it gets better?

I know millions of women have sadly gone though miscarriage, but I feel so alone in the world.
I don't know how to make it better.

Do any of you lovely ladies want to get anything off your chest that you haven't told anyone else? Or just have a good old moan about your miscarriage experience?

Firstly, it's ok to feel like that. You may have "only been 9 weeks" but you'd imagined the life you would have with your baby. It's important and only natural that you need to grieve for that loss.

I'm not a professional but it sounds like some counseling would do you good. Particularly as it would be from someone impartial who wouldn't feel the need to try and make you feel better with comments you're finding insensitive. It would help you process what's happened for your own mental well-being as well as help you get to a position where you feel like you can move forward with your life.

Sending big hugs. I'm writing this from hospital having just miscarried at 7-8 weeks soon can understand where you're coming from. I know that I'll have reminders for the next 8 months because of where I thought I'd be at that time. I worry that if I'm not pregnant again by what should've been my due date in April it'll be awful.

You could try getting in touch with the miscarriage association. They have a helpline number you can call.

Xxx

I'm so sorry for your loss OP, and yours too daffodil. I have been where you are and it does get better.
I had a mmc at 12 weeks. We had no idea there was a problem and went along to out 12 week scan full of excitement only to find out our baby had died 6 weeks before. We were devastated.
I found it really hard to cope and was so frightened of getting pregnant again we didn't have sex for 8 months. I could barely look DH in the eye and I was withdrawn and depressed.
I spoke to my GP who suggested I call the miscarriage association for counselling which I did and they were amazing. I also joined a miscarriage forum on Babycentre, which was great for me as I couldn't talk about how I felt in real life. I took me about 18 months, but I got through it. We became pregnant again last year but I sadly lost that one too, another mmc.
It was much easier to cope the second time around. We started ttc again straight after I had recovered from my surgery and I now have my beautiful rainbow baby who is 18 weeks.
Be kind to yourself. There is no time limit on grief, but it does sound like you may need some help to come to terms with your loss. 💐