Starting TTC

[misshannah]

Hi All,

New to this, so bear with me. I've been with DP for a while now and we have openly talked about starting a family, etc. I've always been straight up and said i would like to start a family in the near future.

I've recently come off the pill and swapped over to this new Natural Cycles thing as i found i was either raging with anger, eating or crying. I have always said and i am a great believer in not tricking somebody into having a child. I am monitoring my temp daily and he is aware. I've encouraged him to understand how it works as well. Since i have swapped over to Natural Cycles we have started to use condoms which is understandable on his part.

I have been open with him (as i just turned 30) and said i would like to start trying asap. I even wrote a letter because everytime i would try to talk to him, i became tongue tied and then couldn't get my words/ feelings out about how i am desperate to start a family with him. He is very supportive and understanding with how i feel but to him, he has just finished University (last year), he was a mature student (32) and now in a graduate role so feels he wants a break before embarking on this adventure. I understand where he is coming from but my hormones do not!

I have no close female friends which is the reason for my post. We moved last year for work and i love our new life as it's meant we now have two lovely dogs, we're more financially stable (as in london before), etc. We are part way through renovating our narrowboat with the intentions to live on it from October - it will have a second bedroom. The timing isn't great, but when is? We are both in secure and stable jobs and i would be in a position if i wanted to go part time/ job share if i eventually wanted. We have a little debt but nothing that we could not pay off within a few months.

I don't want to push him into anything and my query is how did you get to the point where you both agreed to start trying?

I waited about two years longer than I would have preferred for do. In the end we agreed a time to start that was about 6 months in the fiture. I wish we'd talked more about what was holding him back as it turns out he thought it would happen instantly.

Here we are 17 months down the road from the agreed date still ttc... I'll be at least 34 by the time I finally have a baby (minimum but at this rate likely older). I was 32 when we started. I'd like more than one ideally, but at this rate who knows if I'll even have one!!

But the real problem is that I've now built up some feelings of resentment towards him for making us wait so long as it's looking less likely we'll be able to grow our family with each passing cycle. Treatment outcomes are better the younger you are, so it's a problem...

Talk to him.

My husband always said to me that he would be ready when i was, but then we got engaged just as I was ready and then I decided to wait until we got married. Then his job was at risk so we decided to wait and now I'm 34 in a couple of months and trying not to worry about leaving it too late (it's still very young, I'm sure)

I'm 33 (34 in October) and I casually brought it up over dinner one night when we were talking about booking this year's holiday. I just came out with it and said maybe we should start thinking about it and luckily it seemed we were on the same page. DH basically said he'd been waiting for me to be ready. We're TTC #1.

Re: timing, even though we're both ready I still feel like there's no ideal time: there are always excuses you can make but if ultimately it's what you want then at some point you've got to make the jump! It's always going to be a bit scary because it's about the unknown. You've just got to go for it and if you're strong as a team and financially stable, it'll be A-OK.

How did the letter go down misshannah? You say you've discussed this but have you had The Chat recently or are you testing the waters still? (pardon the pun, ha ha).

We have spoken about children several times over the last 18 months, he does want them but as he has just finished 5 years at uni 3Ug, 1 placement and 1 masters i understand where he is coming from. Prior to completing his degree he was on minimum wage, he funded himself through studies as well with no loan, so i get that now he is earning a good salary he wants to relax a bit before that adventure but he graduated a year ago. We traveled for 2 months after his graduation, moved up north, got two dogs and own our future home(going mortgage free on the narrowboat). Alot happened between May - November last year as that's when we traveled, moved, etc and since then we've been enjoying the move. I graduated at 21 and have worked ever since, so i am used to the 9-5 humdrum, but i think he is still settling into 'adult' life. Adult isn't really the right word, but can't think of anything more appropriate.

I have tried to be sensitive about the topic and not bring it up very often because i don't want to seem pushy. I made a joke in passing this morning that i'm so broody i'm close to putting a nappy on one dog and giving the other a dummy and getting a pram (they're both small rescue dogs) and the one clings to me. He laughed but i'll show him tonight!

We talk openly and I've never not been able to talk to him, but i do find i don't always say what I've planned in my head hence the letter/note this time. He hasn't said anything about the note yet, but he did make a fuss of my afterwards. I plan to ask him later.

I think you might want to let him know it's very average for it to take 6-12 months to conceive and you then have 9 months to prepare for the arrival....

Again, my dh thought it would instantly happen.

AGHHH the wait is killing me. Since last time the topic of children has come up and I expressed my desire/ concerns/etc and I've asked him to give me a time frame which i think is fair. My DP hasn't said much on the topic other than he is thinking about it (positive) but i suspect there is more to it than i know at the moment. I don't want to push him on this as i grew up in a household where my dad agreed to have us but in reality wanted nothing to do with us. But the wait...

Totally feel you! I've been with DH 5 years. If it had been up to me I would have started trying years ago but he's quite traditional and wanted to be married first. Then we moved house, then his job was a bit unstable....it got to the point where I felt like he was always finding a reason not to. When we spoke about it he also expected a baby to appear overnight. We've agreed now but I still don't think he grasps the concept of ttc taking as long as it takes and then another 9 months for pregnancy. I also don't think men understand the worries about getting older. Not that it's always a problem but I'm 35 and as I've got older I've def started to worry about whether a baby will actually happen for us. I think he thinks we have all the time in the world so was never in a hurry.

misshannah I think you have every right to at least know what he thinks about the idea. Agree that you don't want to push him in to doing something he doesn't want to do, but at the moment, you don't know what he wants to do? He owes you the conversation.

You could be lucky to get pregnant straight away but I think it's wise to factor in the possibility that it can also take time.
I don't want to scare you so won't go into detail but I wish I'd realised years ago just how difficult the baby making process would be for us.

Same for mine, i'd have started from day 1 of meeting him. I agree, they certainly don't have the same worries, my DM and Nan started Menopause early but i suppose he doesn't have to worry about that!