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Conception

When's the best time to get pregnant? Use our interactive ovulation calculator to work out when you're most fertile and most likely to conceive.

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Original poster

Feel like I'm letting DP down with constant BFNs.

11 replies

ChrisPrattsFace · 09/08/2017 20:28

How do you get past, the overwhelming feeling you are letting your DP down, by not giving them a beautiful baby. Or is it just me who feels that way?

For context,
When i was younger I had various health issues, including multiple surgeries on my pelvis and reproductive organs. I was told it would hold no further implications as i aged. When i turned 17, i found out that i had almost no chance of conceiving. I took it on the chin, it cant be helped and that is my path in life.
I met my DP, soon to be DH and very excited and back all them years ago, when realising things were getting serious, made it clear there was a high chance i wouldn't be able to give him children. (i didn't want him to be stuck with someone who couldn't give him a family)
Fast forward to now - late twenties. DP is wonderful, made it clear he loves me regardless...Over the past few years i have experienced a very similar illness, this time have had regular health checks with the fertility clinic close to me.

We have been TTC for a little while now, with advice and guidance from the fertility clinic and every month is negative. I tested a little early today, another BFN. AF is due in two days, so feeling a little like i'm out again this month. I have every intention of testing again if i am late.
We are not yet into IVF ect...(thats a whole level of stress i cannot cope with just yet)

Sorry that is so long. I have no one to talk to IRL. Feels nice to be serious for a moment, write it all down, get it off my chest.

OP posts:

Ropsleybunny · 09/08/2017 20:31

Bless you, what a struggle you're having x

KatnissMellark · 09/08/2017 20:38

We were told we had no chance of natural conception due to DH terrible sperm count and quality. Straight to IVF as soon as discovered, no clomid, no IUI, do not pass go, do not collect your £200. I had no idea when I married him but still would make the same choice. I love him more than life itself. I don't blame him one jot, love him any less or ever consider that life would be better without him. And FWIW I was very unlucky with IVF, ended up hospitalised twice and suffered nasty side effects (not to scare you, very unlikely that will happen to you, just for context!).

Even knowing that you would likely have issues your DP chose you, he loves you, he wants to marry you and build a life together.

I always saw it as a problem we had and had to tackle together. It was no one's fault and no one was to blame.

DH didn't let me down and you are not letting DP down. Please don't beat yourself up

Original poster

ChrisPrattsFace · 09/08/2017 21:00

It is very much a 'we' team here too, i don't always feel like i am letting him down but when i get that BFN, I worry about telling him encase he feels let down by me again.
In the nicest way katniss it is nice to hear it from the other point of view. Your IVF story sounds awful, so sorry that happened to you. I am by no means ready to go there, I would lose my mind!
Thank you both for your replies.

OP posts:

KatnissMellark · 09/08/2017 21:02

I know it's hard, but it really is less depressing to not test, if you can manage it. Focus on your wedding, honeymoon, whatever fun stuff you have coming up and enjoy each other as much as you can.

Original poster

ChrisPrattsFace · 09/08/2017 21:07

I am surprisingly restrained. i have no patience
I read about people testing 5 or 6 days before AF, and regularly up until it arrives/is late. I tested today because i've been quiet nauseous this week, with some spotting - my wonderful brain starts screaming 'baby' at me.
I have stopped keeping them in the house, so have none. If i am late, i will buy another.
I am also going wedding dress shopping, over the next few weeks which is a welcome distraction!

OP posts:

crazychemist · 10/08/2017 14:01

You're not letting him down. These things can take quite a long time, but if you pop over to some of the baby boards rather than conception, you'll see just how many people have a happy ending eventually, just later than they'd hoped. If it comes down to it, would you consider adoption? Perhaps having that conversation with him would help you both to work out what it is you really want, and I think whatever the outcome that sort of conversation can be really good for you as a couple. Best wishes to you, hope you get your happy ending soon

Mrsretrobee · 10/08/2017 14:20

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. My biggest wish in life was to be a mum, and when I met my DH 10 years ago, I never thought life would be the way it has been. Although we got married 8 years ago, we had been trying for a child even before it. Only to find out DH had Non-Obstructive Azoospermia. Before we found this out, I was indirectly looked down on by friends and family for not being able to conceive. After we found out I was fine, we took some time to hug it out ( because I love that man more than anything and he loves me back) and decided to try adoption.
When that didn't work for us ( we weren't rich enough and were renting at the time. Also, because we are a mixed race couple, it was made a lot more difficult for us to adopt. Whole another story) we started trying IUI with donor. With a couple of miscarriages and bank account as dry as the Sahara dessert, I am now pregnant.
The reason why I am sharing my story with you is to give you hope. Don't give up and keep trying, you are not letting anyone down, especially not your DP who has been through this journey with you.

I know the feeling of looking at BFN and feeling the pain in your heart, God knows I have had 8 years of it. Just remind yourself that it will happen one day soon xx I wish you both the very best and lots of baby dust.

LetsSplashMummy · 10/08/2017 14:31

I had a friend in this position until the tests showed the bigger problem was male factor. If that happened would you feel he was letting you down? I doubt it and he is probably as nice as you are.

I had some fertility issues due to surgery and fell pregnant after an HSG test, as did two other people I know with a pelvic surgery history. There are still lots of ways your life can go - have a good cry if you need to and good luck

MouseLove · 10/08/2017 15:48

Here's the thing hunny, love is unconditional. Think about that word. He loves you without any question. Stop doubting yourself and move forward together. You are not having BFN alone, it takes two to make a baby.

And trust me, I've been there with the guilt, and I still have days where I feel it's my fault, and maybe it is my fault since I'm the one with the known health issues, but my DH loves me unconditionally, there are no ifs or buts to our relationship.

Sending hugs. Xxx

Cring · 10/08/2017 16:05

Just wanted to reply OP to say I understand exactly the emotions and feelings you describe. I feel like "is DH just trying to be nice but deep down he resents me/ would want someone else?" I have consoled myself with realising I can't control everything in this situation. I can't control when we have a baby. I can't control his feelings around it. Love is unconditional and if it isn't, it isn't love.

Original poster

ChrisPrattsFace · 10/08/2017 19:18

Thank you all for your kind words! You have no idea how hearing kind words from someone who isn't DP has made me feel!
Mumsnet is wonderful when not asking something in AIBU! so again, thank you all!
Congratulations to those who have had the happy ending, and good luck to those still in their story!

OP posts:

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