A year in and it's still not happening. Time to give up?

[Eminybob]

I know a year isn't a very long time when compared to some people experiencing infertility, but I'm just so fed up of the stress and disappointment.

We have been ttc no 2 since last August.
DS is just turned 3 and the original plan to was to try and aim for a 3 year gap, but that's now edging closer and closer to 4, if we do manage to conceive soon.

I don't think I want any bigger gap than 4 years, I want children that grow up together, can do stuff together. DS is separate for a sibling already.

Plus I'm not getting any younger. I'm 37 now.

I had a strange miscarriage/chemical pregnancy in December. I had some blood tests and a scan a couple of months ago and there are no obvious reasons why I can't conceive. I just don't know why it's not happening.

The doctor said to go back in August if it still hasn't happened and they can do more tests and test dh, but I don't know if it's even worth doing that?

AIBU to just accept that if it hasn't happened yet it just isn't going to happen.

Yes YABU. You have previously conceived and have a child from it. I'm sure I don't need to tell you that even healthy couples wait more than a year before they successfully conceive. Sounds like you're feeling sorry for yourself which is totally understandable but pick yourself up and take all the help the doctor is willing to give.

Sorry you're feeling so down. I'm in the same position, dd is a bit younger (2y 3m) but I was hoping for a smaller age gap, and we're still trying after almost 18 months. It is really hard seeing the months go by with a dc who would really love a sibling.

But don't lose hope! There are positives to any age gap and this way if you conceive, your son will really remember the arrival of a new sibling and will want to be helpful. Yes in childhood there is a gap but they'll still play together and 4 years isn't a lot as they get older. I was really competitive with my older brother (14 months difference) and it was quite stressful, so smaller age gaps aren't everything.

Keep pushing for ttc support at your gp and maybe go privately for a consultation if you can afford it just to get a second opinion?

Good luck and try dtd without the ttc pressure - so hard but worth it in the long run i think.

I would absolutely go back to the GP to see what else they can do, if you still want it to happen. Your nearly four year old will still love a baby sibling to help with and play with I'm sure, just because they are not very close in age doesn't mean they won't have a good relationship. My dp is 10 years older than his brothers and as adults they are really close, best of friends so to speak.

Don't despair. Mine are 5 years apart. A few missed miscarriages and then this one was premature as well. But they are lovely together- baby adores his big brother and DS1 is old enough to be independent as well. I was dreading the summer holidays but they have both been as good as gold.

Not sure if this is helpful but there is 4.5 years between me and my sister and we are inseparable! My mum said it was easier with my sister being a bit older because she helped my mum and was more independent and she wanted to help. I think in my sister's eyes I was a living doll haha! We are both in our 30s now and I never feel like there is an age gap between us. I would say don't give up of you want another one go back and see the doctor x

I wouldn't give up yet. I am currently pregnant with DC2. It took us over 20 months to conceive this baby. Baby is due 2 days before dds 5th birthday. Yes there will be an age gap and they might not be as close during childhood as they may be if there was only 2 years between them. But being close in age doesn't guarantee a good relationship in childhood and certainly not in adulthood.
My mum's brothers are only a couple of years younger than her and she barely talks to them. She's much closer to her sister who is 14 years younger.
My sister is 12 years younger than me. We still have a very good relationship and now I'm 30 and she's 18 we're really close and speak most days.

Personally I'm really happy with 5 year age gap between my kids. DD will be busy at school so I'll have plenty of time to bond with baby without feeling guilty for not playing with her etc. And she's old enough to kind of understand what's going on and get really excited about her brother or sister.

Thanks for the replies.
I know I am just feeling sorry for myself. It's good to know that bigger age gaps don't cause problems.

It's probably worth another trip to GP to discuss options. It may be that further tests show something simple that is easily sorted out. At any time you could decide not to continue if that is what you decide. I don't have any good advice really but if you are considering stopping give yourself a while to make the decision and discuss with OH etc so that it's not made when you are having a bad few days.
Also there is a large age gap between myself and my older sister of nearly 7 years. I was allowed to do things like go in to town with her at a younger age than I would have been by myself. There were a number of advantages.

Thanks. I'm going to see how this next cycle (that just autocorrected to cucumber, glad I caught it!) pans out and then if still no joy book anther gp appointment. And one for dh too.

Sending hugs. I'm a year TTC too. I'm feeling sorry for myself today too as AF is arriving. There's 10 years between me and my sister. She's younger. We are as close as ever and I adored it when she was born. We're best friends now, very close. Don't worry about age gaps, if you want another child, don't give up, you'll make it work and worthwhile. Good luck!

@Eminybob
Hi there I'm in a very similar situation to you.

We've been TTC number 2 since July last year and I've been losing hope on and off over the last several months.

We've basically been trying since a few weeks after I had a missed miscarriage last summer (discovered at the dating scan).

Also, I turned 39 a few weeks ago so I feel like it's "last orders" in the whole reproductive game.

Our LO is coming up to 3.5 yrs and I constantly think about the age gap getting bigger and bigger.

Summer last year we were so excited about having a Christmas baby and LO would have been a few months off turning 3. I thought that was a perfect age gap...sadly not to be.

I feel your pain.
I'm so frustrated, with my 2 previous pregnancies it happened straight after stopping the pill, there was no thinking/timing/analysing involved.

After the last year TTC, I'm absolutely baffled at how the hell I could've got pregnant so quickly & easily before.

I am planning to go back to my GP in the next few weeks- we will have the results of DH sperm analysis by then.

Am thinking of asking to have my bloods done again to check- all came back normal last Easter and also just before Christmas.
Had things like FSH, LH and day 21 progesterone- this was normal & showed that I had ovulated.

I'd advise you to go back to your GP soon and have some tests done.
Don't give up yet.

Over the last year I've become more accepting of a bigger age gap- well I don't really have a choice if we do have a successful pregnancy & baby!

But it's hard. I notice more now when couples are having baby number 2 and the first one is 5 years old or more.

It makes me realise that others are (likely) going through the same thing.

I still can't get my head around the fact that I fell pregnant a few months after my LO turned 2 but we're now still at it, TTC and my firstborn will be at least 4 before a little brother or sister turns up.

Keep going, it's bloody tough but try to visualise that future and family you want.

Good luck

There's 7 years between my dsis and I. We never had any issues growing up together. We're close now too (both in our 40s). My dbro is 16mo younger than me and tbh, whilst we're close as adults, all we did as kids was try and kill each other. Small age gaps do not always equal happy siblings....

Don't give up hope, absolutely not! It took almost 2 years ttc2 and I gave birth a few weeks before my 40th. Make sure you're taking your ttc supplements, I feel like a broken record on here and wouldn't want to give false hope but I took Ubiquinol Qc10 (Doctors Best) and was pregnant within a month, I'm prepared to be told it was a coincidence etc but couldn't not say. Good luck.

@Phoenix76

You are giving me lots of hope!

Don't know why, but I somehow feel deep down that I'll be 40 by the time I have number 2. (Was 37 when last pregnant, feels like it is taking so so long)

With the Ubiquinol I'm inspired to buy some more- was it the 50mg softgels? I've found one with kaneka QH whatever that is!

I started Ubiquinol last November, took 6 months worth by Easter and just gave up as I'd lost hope and any faith that anything would make a difference!

Please don't despair, keep believing but forget about it. We gave up trying after 3 years too. Decided to put everything into being a family of 3 and 2 months after he started school found out I was pregnant. A year after that I had my 3rd ! Both 2& 3 were unplanned !

I got pregnant with our first daughter without trying, she was 2 years 4 months when we decided to try for a second. She's now nearly 7 & our second daughter is 4 months old. We hadn't planned on a 6.5 year age gap but we really struggled to conceive second time round. We conceived after trying for 2.5 years but sadly I miscarried at 10 weeks, I conceived again after 7 months. The good thing about the age gap is my eldest is really helpful. & dotes on her baby sister. Also I can have the one to one time with my baby while my eldest is at school - like I had the one to one time with her when she was a baby. I had tests while TTC but they couldn't find anything wrong, then my doctor just put it down to my age - I was 38 at the time. I've since conceived twice at 39. Don't give up hope.

@turquoisedress I'm going to attempt an attachment of the one I used! Don't you give up either!

@Phoenix76
Thanks for that!
I'm sure we were chatting on some threads several months ago or so

Your story gives me lots of hope!

If I have any hope of giving birth just before I turn 40, then I need to conceive within the next few months...no pressure!

It's been 13 months so I'm not holding my breath.

I splash out on some of that Ubiquinol

@turquoisedress yes you're right! I thought you were familiar! I think I may have spotted a "potential" issue with your Ubiquionol, you said 50mg, mine were 200mg! I'm going to keep everything crossed for you and hope that one day soon you'll be on here with your BFP!

@Phoenix76
Thanks for that, am going to order some- pricey but I may as well throw the kitchen sink at it now!

Yes, I bloody hope to get that BFP one day soon

Following as I'm in nearly identical situation to OP, except hoping for first! What does Ubiquinol Qc10 do? I don't seem to find much online about its affects aside from helpful for menopausal symptoms?

That brand of ubiquinol really messed with my erm... regularity? Stomach issues?? Others haven't though...

ronswansonstache if you just type "ubiquinol coq10 and fertility" in to google that should narrow it down, good luck with everything.
physicskate sounds like you were unlucky, in rare cases any form of Ubiquionol can cause stomach problems, I hope you managed to find something had no side effects, that wouldn't have been fun! Fwiw, I had absolutely no side effects and I'm prepared to accept, it could have been a coincidence, but after nearly 2 years trying, suffering a cm and a smear coming back abnormal requiring a test in hospital (can't remember what it's called) within a month of taking this (I still have one left in the pot) I got my bfp, it's the only thing I did different. I certainly don't want to cause false hope but if I didn't share it the guilt would consume me in case it works for someone else!