Feeling upset - another month gone

[SwirlyCarpets]

Don't really know where to start with this, I am really quite distressed and didn't get a lot of sleep last night because of this so please be kind. I just need to offload or I risk saying all this to my husband and damaging our relationship which is the last thing I want to do. I don't know whether this should be in conception or relationships board.

For background, I am late thirties and my husband is considerably older, been together 8 years and married for 4. This came on the back of a traumatic divorce for me, a long distance relationship before my now-husband relocated to be with me and a myriad of employment issues as a result of the relocation. Our attitude to having a family was to get married, hope the dust settled re: jobs and then discuss further. Neither was opposed to the idea of a family.

After we got married, we thought he had cracked the job situation but it turned to be extremely toxic and he walked out of a (permanent) job. I was devastated because I was ready to seriously discuss the starting a family. He was in and out of work, and there was a long period with no sexual contact (plenty of affection but nothing in the bedroom), which I tried to address as I found it quite devastating. This came to a head last year and he acknowledged that he had been failing me as a husband . After more discussion, I had my coil removed and we agreed to ttc. He said he would like to be a father and didn't seem to need a lot of convincing, he wanted us to be a family.

This has coincided with a terrible period for me professionally and I am soon to be unemployed, having moreorless had a breakdown as a result of work stress. However, my attitude is that we need to crack on with the ttc, as time is not on our side. Sex is still infrequent, and I am the instigator in my fertile week. He does not instigate either then or the other times of the month. He is on a couple of meds for his BP and I wonder how much this is contributing to issues.

Anyway, what has now cracked me is that this month he seems to be having difficulty getting an erection, so yet another month has now passed without us DTD when it actually matters. I don't know if it is performance anxiety causing the ED or the Meds or a combination.

I am so disappointed and upset. I want to be sympathetic but in truth at the minute I just feel fucking rage. At him. At life. At my job situation. But a huge part of it is at him. I feel rejected and defective. I feel he wasted years of my fertility by being sexually distant, and by refusing to acknowledge the problems. Now we have decided that it is now or never, he still isn't playing his part. I know i sound unhinged and unreasonable, and I know what people will say about trying to reduce the stress and not focus on baby making, but truth is, if I didn't instigate he wouldn't. I just feel so unwanted, and bitter at all my friends having families and getting pregnant, and I just feel so alone.

He sent a message earlier about us having an early night tonight, and I can see he's trying but we have missed the window for this month and I'm just such an emotional wreck that I'm trying to hide from him because I know he is upset at letting me down. I feel so hurt and alone. Can anyone relate? Or say something/anything to me feel better? I am sat here in floods of tears.

Hi, didn't want to read and run and don't really have much advice I just know ttc can be a long, hard and painful journey. Sit down and speak to your husband tell him how you feel, maybe even go on a date night even once a month bring the excitement back let's face it when you have been trying for something you desperately want it's no longer exciting and more of a chore. My partner never wanted children and he said if he did it would be after he was 30 - when I got diagnosed with pcos we both done lots of research and realised ttc could be really difficult so we started tracking my cycles but I never ovulated so we sat down and spoke about it and decided we didn't feel we had the time to wait around anymore so went to the doctors for help ttc xx

What an incredibly difficult situation for you

Has he struggled with ED at all in the past or is just since you decided to TTC? Do you think he's fully on board with the idea or is just trying to make you happy?
It sounds like he has a low sex drive generally. Would he be prepared to talk to his GP about it his ED?
I appreciate that pressuring him won't help the situation but you're right that you don't have a lot of time on your side to hope the problem resolves itself.

Have the early night tonight, maybe give eachother a massage and enjoy sex that has nothing to do with babies. Maybe you just need to reconnect after going through a difficult spell. I find the more often I have sex the more I want to, you can fall out of the habit.

Yes me I can relate because the exact same thing happened with my husband this month. Sex all over the month was fine and just when I was in my fertile week he couldn't keep an erection. He massively fucked me off because we have been married for 16 years and it was always waiting for one thing or another. It was him who wanted to wait and now when he's desperate for a child, all these issues are cropping up. He recently started BP tablets so I don't know if it's anything to do with it. I have told him that I will walk away if things don't get sorted. I know I come across unhinged but am really angry at him that he wasted my fertile years but stupidly always waiting for a better time. I do understand him as yes it will be better if we had more money etc. but that's fucking me off more.
I am sorry to have ranted on your thread but yes I do understand you.

Thank you so much for your replies....obviously this is so sensitive there aren't many people to talk to IRL, I would feel like I was betraying my husband if I was talking to my friends about this.

I think he does have a low sex drive, mine isn't exactly high but I think is higher than his. I don't know if ED has been a problem before....not noticeably so I guess, but hard to tell when it was a largely sexless marriage for the better part of two years 😳

Obviously if he is up for it tonight (in every sense) I'm happy to go for it, but I just feel so aggrieved by the whole situation which is not a nice place to be as you can imagine. I hope he is on board about the baby making aspect, he says he is but then his behaviour and actions and the situation in general makes me wonder. I have asked him outright severe times though and he has said he does want a child.

I think after tonight I will be asking him to look at a gp appointment for a general check up.

Ntice thanks for posting, sounds like we are in similar boats. Glad i'm not alone. ...although obviously sorry you are going through this too, it is of some consolation to know that others understand where I'm coming from. Agree with you re: him being the one who wanted to wait....for a long time, because of my husband's employment/unemployment situation, anytime I tried to bring this up, his response was "let's see what happens when I get a job". Well, what happened was my job fell apart and now he can't do the necessary when required. I know it is a lot of pressure on him but fuck me, I'm angry about it.

Swirly yes it was the same for us, always a better job, better this, better that. People all around us have 2/3/4 kids by now. If I wasn't so angry, I will be losing my mind by now!
Am sorry about your job love. Are you looking for another? Hope that will get your preoccupied. I waste my time thinking of all the what ifs and get more pissed off. It's only natural that you get angry!

Ntice yes, am looking for another job, which is stressful in itself, coming as it is on the back of the job saga that was the run up to my cracking earlier this year 😡

And yes, I was able to minimise the situation when I was still in my mid-30season and my friends were just on baby number 1, but now I'm definitely late-30s and as you say, everyone around is on their 2nd or 3rd child, which is bringing it all into very sharp focus!!

You are not alone in finding ttc stressful! It definitely isn't anywhere near as easy as they made out in sex education at school.

I think you should embrace the fact that DH wants an early night tonight regardless of whether it's in your fertile window. It's important not to make dtd all about ttc as it just adds to the stress. We've been there, before ttc we dtd 2-3 times a month so we've had to actively "try". What we've found works is to DTD every other day from when af finishes. That way I only have to let DH know when af finishes and then we both know it's every other night. It means that we're not just having ttc sex and we've actually enjoyed doing it so regularly.

I think I overlooked how hard ttc can be on a man too. He is the one who has to perform every time. Yes it's nice for me to get there too but it's not a necessity to ttc. We dtd most nights during my fertile window during the first couple of months and by around the 3rd night DH would really struggle which obviously adds stress. It also became quite "efficient" instead of us both taking our time and enjoying it.

How much does your DH know about the actual biology of it all? Mine had no clue there was a fertile window and that the egg only lives for a short period after being released. He thought unprotected sex at any time of the month would do. I found that him understanding this more meant that he is more committed to dtd regularly.

Sorry for the long essay! I do think that you both need to talk about everything and this might be better if you have an independent person involved such as a counselor. They can help mediate your discussions and guide you to make mutual decisions on how to move forward.

Thanks for your thoughts Betsy....DH does know about the fertile window and that sex anytime of the month isn't going to result in a pregnancy. When I feel a bit calmer I will ask him what he thinks/feels about the every other night approach....I get what you are saying about trying to take the pressure off. Problem is, with what i believe to be his low sex drive, I don't know if he will be up for that, which was why I was trying to concentrate our efforts on high/peak fertility days.

Didn't want to read and run so I'll give you a big cuddle. Remember he is your lover, companion and wants to feel wanted just as much as you.

You said he's making an effort for an early night, why aren't you taking it? Doesnt matter if it's your fertile week or not, if you have sex for making a baby only you'll soon be left with nothing but pressure and effort. Enjoy yourself first and foremost.

I say this a year deep in TTC and we still have sex at all times of my cycle. I don't want either of us to feel used or worthless.

Good luck!! Xxx

Thanks Mouse....if hubby is up for an early night I will certainly participate! I'm just tired of being the main instigator and feeling rejected.

I agree with what others have said. I think getting into the habit (if you can) of having more regular sex is a good idea. Otherwise I think the pressure on the other half to perform in that small window can sometimes prove too much. With a low sex drive I can see why you want to focus energies on that time of the month, but psychologically I wonder if that can be counter productive?

Maybe baby steps are the way forward? Showing small gestures of affection, massages, hugs etc. Could you book a weekend away somewhere - or even just a night - and have some quality time together? Not necessarily for sex, but relaxation.

Probably all easier said than done, but I wish you the best

Thank you to everyone for your thoughts....I feel so much better for getting the frustration out of my system. I do take on board what people are saying and will try to initiate a chat with DH about how to manage things better xx