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Original poster

Abortion .. advice :(

18 replies

lydsim25 · 01/08/2017 08:38

Hey guys need some advise ☹️
I was in the pill.. had a change of pill.. anyway I have found out I am pregnant! It's a big big shock for me and my partner but for me it's a nice shock
I know it wasn't planned but me & my partner have been together a year now, we are strong I thought we were close and had a good future together until he has told me to have an abortionSad I asked him why and he said it's just big the right time for HIM which I find selfish. I'd support him with anything on this earth..
I don't want an abortion .. we have children already but this would be the first one of our own... he said hel support me going through an abortion but a baby is a big thing & he doesn't want it
One minute I'm happy & excited then I burst into tears because I'm excited on my own

Any advise or opinions would be appreciated ladies xxxxx

OP posts:
Original poster
lydsim25 · 01/08/2017 08:39

Not the right time for him *

OP posts:
SydBound27 · 01/08/2017 09:34

Firstly, I'm so sorry you're in such a hard situation, it sounds really really tough.

I have no problem with abortions and am definitely pro choice on the matter, but I think it should not be his choice entirely. You will be the one going through it, with the feelings of doubt and regret, which could definitely strain your relationship in the future. Equally, going ahead with a baby he doesn't want could put a strain on the relationship. It sounds like he's putting the responsibility for your pregnancy squarely at your door, and that isn't fair as he played his part.

You are with someone you love, and have found yourself in a situation neither of you planned but both of you is responsible for. I don't think you should go through an abortion you don't want in order to please your partner. Only you can decide, and maybe have a chat to friends and family to see what sort of support you might have if you decide to have the baby.

Good luck and keep us posted. x Flowers

MoonPower · 01/08/2017 09:42

Big hugs to you 🙅🏻OP!
It has to be your decision ultimately doesn't it? It's a really hard one.
He needs to support you not force you into making a decision you will resent him for. It has to be right for you.
No judgement whatsoever on abortion - but it needs to feel like it's the right decision for YOU. It's your body.
Good luck X

AmyB1986 · 01/08/2017 09:45

Totally agree with the previous poster.
Sorry you are having a tough time.
Putting myself in your situation... if my husband had told me he wanted me to abort one of our daughters and I had gone through with it I know it would have brought a lot of resentment from me to him.
A baby does put strain on a relationship but only if you let it. You already have children also so you know you are capable of looking after a child. As pp said, if there are any friends and family in RL you can talk to and confide in about your situation then talk to them and try to sit with your partner and tell him your feelings. He can't make you do anything if you don't want to do.

Original poster
lydsim25 · 01/08/2017 10:19

Thankyou so much for your replies everyone
Really helpful
It is very hard I think I will gear myself up to do it alone
I wish it wasn't like this but it is.....

I feel very pregnant too already so it probably feels more real to me xx

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 01/08/2017 10:22

I certainly wouldn't abort unless I was sure I wanted to. Hopefully he'll come round but be prepared to do it alone. If you aborted because he pushed you into it your relationship wouldn't survive anyway Flowers

LoveDeathPrizes · 01/08/2017 10:27

The only way you'll achieve the potentially ideal outcome is not to. I fully support abortion but you don't want to already and the guilt pangs after the event are devastating even if you're a hundred percent sure.

He might get on board eventually and all is well - ideal.
He might leave but you have your baby (and lets be honest, how much of an irreversible damage has his reaction already done to your relationships.
This alternative is you stay together but abort. I can't see you not feeling hurt and resentful for a really long time in that scenario - but this is all conjecture and you may well cope really well.

LoveDeathPrizes · 01/08/2017 10:30

The only way you'll achieve the potentially ideal outcome is not to. I fully support abortion but you don't want to already and the guilt pangs after the event are devastating even if you're a hundred percent sure.

He might get on board eventually and all is well - ideal.
He might leave but you have your baby (and lets be honest, how much of an irreversible damage has his reaction already done to your relationships.
This alternative is you stay together but abort. I can't see you not feeling hurt and resentful for a really long time in that scenario - but this is all conjecture and you may well cope really well.

chloesmumtoo · 01/08/2017 10:48

Yes don't feel pressured into anything by him. You sound pretty level headed and having children already means you know dam well you will cope if you want to go it alone. I think he is very selfish too and I presume he has given you no other good reasons for his reaction. Has he even asked what you want, does he know how you feel? I would be concerned that he is not as commited to you as you thought and if you did abort this baby for him you may very well regrett it if the relationship breaks down anyway. So sorry you have found yourself in this situation. Just make sure you really talk through everything and find out his honest reasons as ' not being the right time for him' is not really a good enough answer. Has he ever given the impression you would both ever have a child together in the future?

Christinedonna · 01/08/2017 10:55

In the same boat. Have a 11mo DD, got pregnant and OH didn't want it and told me to get an abortion. We split up and now I'm doing it alone. You can't do that because he wants you to. It's you that will have to go through with it and live with it for the rest of your life. If it's not something you want to do you'll just end up hating him for being the reason you did! Hand holding though. Feel free to private message me

Original poster
lydsim25 · 01/08/2017 10:59

He said we could have one 1 day but he says he doesn't know when Hmm

I feel aswel he is selfish and clearly not committed enough to me as I thought as a baby is a future and he obviously doesn't want that
I feel bad on him because I do care about him & don't want to pressure him into anything but I think after being together a year, all of our children are close and he and him are best mates.. telling me to have an abortion is really harsh

Thankyou all for your advise it's helped me massive amounts xxxxxx

OP posts:
MaisyPops · 01/08/2017 11:03

These situations are difficult.
You were using contraception and have an unplanned pregnancy.

Obviously as it stands you both want opposite things from this situation. I certainly wouldn't take it as a sign of no commitment from him to you. Commitment to a relationship with children in the future is a totally different situation to a surprise pregnancy and different people respond in different ways.

I think you need to sit down and both be open with each other about positives, negatives, worries, potential solutions and then take it from there.

I'm not convinced a heavy handed 'well you should do what I want' is going to work coming from either of you.

MammieBear · 01/08/2017 11:13

Go with you heart on this believe me or you will regret it, it's not something to be taken lightly, consider (heaven forbid) he was to leave you could you raise you child willingly on your own with your other children? I'd say talk to him about how you feel don't be bullied into it. ♥

chloesmumtoo · 01/08/2017 12:00

It's not easy when you love someone Sad and I can understand you instantly worrying about your dc's. Take it a step at a time and for now hope it was the shock talking. Priority is talking and getting to the very bottom of everything. Explaining honestly on everything you feel aswell as what he has said hurting you deeply and your feelings of being excited and happy about this pregnancy. You must be upfront and so must he (you may well have done this already)
If he has always said about having a child one day, you need to find out if this was said just to please you or whether it was meant genuinely. Some men just say it as they think its what you want to hear and never really want to go ahead and trap you so to speak. If he does still want one in the future then he needs to explain what he wants or expects to be different at that time. You deserve an explanation. Also put it to him that if you (hypothetically) aborted this time how is it going to make you feel when you do plan one together in the future and the guilt you will feel. Really make him stretch his brain to feel what you feel, men can be a bit shut off emotionally sometimes.
Don't give him an inch in thinking you will abort if you strongly know you will not be doing so.

lauramaji · 01/08/2017 14:03

I've come across a charity at work which provides help to women who are being pressured into abortion, they're called Life.

They are pro-life in their viewpoint but as far as I understand, they offer free non-directive counselling. It means that they wouldn't say "You cannot do this" or "You need to do this" but would just listen and can then help out with practical stuff if someone needs it. I don't know of anyone through work who has used them before and don't have any friends who have used them but it may be worth ringing their helpline to see if they can help.

Will be thinking about you anyway. Lots of love, Laura xxx

PoppyJ1 · 01/08/2017 14:06

Don't have an abortion unless you're sure you want it and it's right for you! You have been with this man a year, you could regret your decision for much longer than that if you are not sure.

MaisyPops · 01/08/2017 17:50

laura
I hope this doesn't sound awful but pro life counselling in an already difficult situation sounds like the sort of thing designed to push women into feeling so emotionally fragile that they feel they must continue a pregnancy or feel eternally guilty.

What is needed in this situation is open and honest dialogue between the 2 people, if need be with a NEUTRAL 3rd party to mediate, not people with political/religious agendas who go home and pat themselves on the back for emotionally leading others to make decisions that never affect the self-congratulatory activists behind these things.

dowhatyouwish · 01/08/2017 17:56

Your body you choose. If he isn't interested I suppose you'll have to do it without him. No contraception is fool proof.

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