Am I too young?

[Alicely]

Hi all,
This is my first message so hope im doing it right! I'm just looking for some support and advise.
Long story short I am 23 and my partner is 26, about 20 months ago I got pregnant. Very unplanned and was a big shock as i was in my final year at uni. My partner was so supportive and happy. We found out we were expecting twins and through his love and support I realised I too was excited and dare I say l, ready for the adventure. Sadly we lost the twins in a missed miscarrage at 14 weeks. Since then we have plodded on, i have finished uni and been in a brilliant job about 10 months. But I'm so empty and lost. I think I have realised my calling in life. We both want to try again and so have been unsuccessfully for about 5 months. Non of my family want us to have a baby (I understand why) but it means I feel I can't talk to them about trying and the loss I feel over loosing twins (I get the impression they think it was a blessing in disguse).

Anyway just wondering if anyone has been in a simaler situation or has any advise?

If you're asking strangers on the internet if you're too young, you probably are.

I cannot begin to imagine how devastating that was to lose your twins. Big hugs. I can also understand that you are desperate to be pregnant.

Are you trying to replace the twins or is this about becoming a mother in general. I can't answer your questions, but it sounds like you could find it beneficial to get to the bottom of your emotions/ motivations with the help of a counselor perhaps? I've always found that quite helpful when at a bit of a crossroads.

Make sure you have grieved for your little angels....

The good news is that you do have time. Make a 'baby bucket list' and get em ticked off!! Fancied travelling? Working abroad? Do it sooner rather than later.

I don't agree that asking for advice online makes you too young.

I cannot imagine how you must feel. I'm sure asking for help from people who may have experienced something like you is perfectly normal !

I don't really have any advice for you not having been there but I'm sure someone else will.

Just to start I want to say I am so sorry for your loss ❤️

I gave birth to twins last year at 31 weeks and unfortunately after many complications one of my little girls was born sleeping. I know this is not the same and I feel like I can't truly be as supportive as my other twin although tiny was so strong and survived thankfully but I really do feel your pain. I was expecting to have 2 beautiful girls to take home but that wasn't the case. Now nearly 10 months down the line I feel that although I was extremely lucky to have my daughter, there is someone missing from our little family

I'm 23 now and my partner is 24 and I don't honestly think age can come into it. If you are both happy and ready then do what is best for you as a couple and your family will be happy when it happens.
I'm sorry I'm not much more help but I couldn't read and run, I hope everything works out for you soon ❤️

It is a question only you can answer. I wanted my life to be more stable before we started TTC. I am 25 and my DH 29. Getting married was important, as was buying our house and getting good perm jobs (I was fixed term post uni for two years). Those things all matter enough to us that I've pushed the broodiness down for a few years until we got our ducks in a row, we've just started trying now.

There were times I felt like I wanted a baby so much, convinced myself there is never a right time etc. But deep down I knew with a bit of patience we would be in a much better place and I am really glad we have waited. For some people, the things I mention are not at all important, but they're the big ticket things to weigh up. Once you have a baby I think it becomes harder to tick off the other things. Not impossible, just not as straight forward. Marriage particularly I felt really strongly about, as did DH. What about if you think about waiting and accomplishing x, y and z first; how does that make you feel?

I wasn't critical of asking for advice. But the op asking if she is too young must mean that a part of her thinks she is! If she thinks she's too young, then she probably has a lot of things she wants to do before becoming a mother.

Ok I see you point.

But I was thinking maybe OP doesn't think that but the people around her do so she's doubting herself ?

I remember a uni friend asking me once if she was too young to get marrie at 21 because that's what "everyone" thinks.

So sorry for your loss hun.

I was 20 and in a similar situation to you. I gave birth to twins at 22 weeks, preterm labour after a car accident ruptured my waters.
Obviously 20 is very young and I was met with criticism about my age. My now husband and I had been together for 4 years already before we lost our twins. My husband had a really good steady job, I was at uni studying my nursing degree and working part time. We bought our first house the year after we lost our babies.
Anyway to cut a long story short we had 2 children by your age and proved the critics wrong. I completed my advanced nursing degree and still work in the same field. Currently pregnant with our 3rd after suffering two more miscarriages in between.

If I had listened to the people who told me I was too young then my life would not be blessed with two wonderful daughters that I already have. It's not about replacing your lost babies either. For me it made me realise just how much I wanted to be a parent.

I hope you get your bfp soon 😊

I am so sorry for your loss op, how devastating for you both

Re age - I don't think she matters but circumstances do. I had my first baby at 24 (he's now 2) so we were trying when I was just shy of my 23rd birthday. But we were married, had stable jobs relatively well paid jobs, savings behind us and had just bought our first house together. Unusual for 22/23 I'd say but we were ready. Do you have savings? How stable are your jobs? Where are you in your career? Have you thought about childcare?

I expect the answer is you have thought about all those things because of your previous pregnancy. Childcare is the most expensive; we are lucky to have help from parents.

But yeah - age is a number, there are much more important factors to think about when having a baby. You could have a 32 year old woman with no job or stable income, no family to speak of on minimum wage with no savings - clearly they would be in a worse position than a 20 year old in a stable job with a good salary and family support.

Good luck!

This may or may not help, but I feel compelled to tell you about my son.
Since the age of 16 I have worked full time, always in a good job and over the years I have worked my way up the ladder. I married when I was a few days away from 20, and I had my son a month before my 21st birthday.
When I found out I was pregnant, my first thought was 'how am I going to tell my family?' and I cried, a lot. I should have been really happy, but instead I was afraid of the judgement.
The reality was, that I was married, in a secure and well paid job and I owned my home in a very supportive community. I was smart and sensible and I have loved my son and provided for him always, ever since he was a little bean in my tummy. He is now about to turn 7.
Sadly, my marriage didn't work out, my husband walked out on us when my son was 2yo. But I still stood on my own two feet, moved me and my son closer to my family, studied in the evenings when he was sleeping, continued working in my job, and made the best of the situation.
He is a wonderful boy, he literally gets compliments from strangers about what a lovely and well mannered boy he is on a regular basis.
I've done an amazing job with him, so does it matter that I was 20 when I had him? I've proved the doubters how wrong they were.
It's true that it was hard when he was small, but unless you've won the lottery it will be hard for anyone.
You have to weigh everything up, but sometimes life doesn't work out the way you might expect.