Thanks in advance for reading this (whether you make it to the end or not) - I think this is as much a much-needed mental download as a question!
First, the background: I’m 30, and I’ve been with DP(38) for about a year.
For the last 6 years, I’ve been travelling (I can do my work from anywhere), and have loved the freedom I’ve had. But last year, I decided to take a break, and came here to Spain, where I met DP. He has a DS (11) from a past relationship, who’s with him 2 weekends and 4 afternoons per month. Although we both have our own apartments, I’m at his place 3/4 of the time, and that’ll be 100% of the time in a few months time when my rental contract ends.
He’s wonderful: solid and loving and reliable and thoughtful, totally in love with his boy, and our relationship is feeling like something special.
I went through the whole gamut of emotions in terms of his DS to begin with, feeling everything from jealousy to panic to total adoration, and DP was completely calm and understanding and supportive as I offloaded at him regularly, and we're dealing with it together.
About the time we started talking about moving in together, he found out his ex (DS’s mother) is pregnant again. A month after that, the very young daughter of a friend of his passed away. And a couple of months after that, he brought up the subject of kids with me.
Essentially, paraphrased, he said this:
“After DS’s mum and I split up, I had a couple of attempts at relationships, but eventually decided that I was done with that. I have a beautiful son that I adore, and if it’s just him and me from now on, that’s fine by me. But now things feel different, and I’ve started thinking about fatherhood again, and I wanted to check in with you about it. Because the last thing we want is 3 years to pass, and one of us is expecting to have kids and we haven’t discussed it.”
Now, for me, I’ve been swinging like a pendulum about this subject for a few years: going from absolutely definitely not wanting kids to being completely undecided, but knowing it wasn’t appropriate for my then lifestyle, so that being ok, and then to definitely being sure I wanted kids… and back again.
Since meeting DP, I’m feeling more and more like this is an adventure I want to go on with him – and that for the first time ever I’m in a relationship where that feels both safe and exciting.
But at the same time, I’m really not sure of myself in this decision.
My freedom has always been important to me, and I'm not sure I want to give up the ability to bounce over to another country for a weekend or a month whenever I fancy it. Now that his DS is a bit older, DP has more flexibility, and he and I are starting to have the option to travel together, which is something he’s wanted to do for a long time.
Sometimes I think I definitely want kids, other times I think I definitely don’t.
I’m 30, and I’m supporting my best friend as she goes through infertility, watching her pain and regret at not having started sooner, and at the same time wondering if my own pangs of wanting kids are just biological / hormonal trickery.
I’m wondering if maybe he’s just feeling this way because his ex is pregnant again, and those feelings he’s having will subside as that becomes less of a recent surprise.
There’s no rush – there’s been enough changes this year for the both of us without adding this into the mix – but it is something I want to think seriously about, and ask for advice and thoughts from other women about.
Which is, I think, why I’m here.
Is it possible to make a rational decision about something as don’t-know-until-you-do-it as parenthood? How do you ‘know’ if it’s right for you? If you weren’t lucky enough to be one of those “I always knew” women, what swung the decision for you? What can you see in my situation that maybe I haven’t thought of / noticed?
Any thoughts, ideas, shared experiences welcome – I feel a bit lonely in trying to think my way through this, so a community of women who can help me out if much appreciated!