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Conception

When's the best time to get pregnant? Use our interactive ovulation calculator to work out when you're most fertile and most likely to conceive.

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Original poster

Partner can't come

21 replies

babyoven32 · 24/06/2017 15:24

Hello,
So we have started trying for a baby but recently (last 3-4 times we had sex) my partner has been unable to come. It's not as if there's loads of pressure to get pregnant, which I think people might cite as the issue, but we've only just started trying and fairly relaxed about it. I feel frustrated and inadequate.
Anyone else had similar issues?

OP posts:

KingJoffreysRestingCuntface · 24/06/2017 15:30

Even if it's relaxed I think men still feel the need to 'perform' for you. Extra pressure if you're TTC.

Also if you've always used condoms maybe it feels weird without?

No to mention we spend years trying not to get pregnant/get someone else pregnant, hard habit to break.

Chill, it'll happen. Keep going.

GlitterRoseGold · 24/06/2017 15:46

Babyoven32, tell him to make himself come. Sometimes during it I'll be finished so I'll say are you nearly ready to come and he says no but if you want to finish I will and so he makes himself come.

Can you ask him to do that

Original poster

babyoven32 · 24/06/2017 16:34

Not sure I understand what you mean GlitterRoseGold?

OP posts:

GlitterRoseGold · 24/06/2017 22:23

Men can force themselves to come if they want that's what I meant.

Original poster

babyoven32 · 25/06/2017 08:16

Still confused GlitterRoseGold - he can't come, that's the issue?! It's not a case of forcing if he can't?

OP posts:

GlitterRoseGold · 25/06/2017 08:46

Oh right, he might need to visit the doctor then

WithCheesePlease · 25/06/2017 22:29

Hi babyoven we had this a bit a start... and I don't think you need to see a doctor yet, especially if he had no problems before.

Once we officially decided to ttc, even though there wasn't much pressure at that stage, it seemed to unconsciously change the 'purpose' of having sex for both of us. It's just a psychological thing- it suddenly was no longer about enjoyment, fun or love, but more of a means to an end with the goal of getting pregnant. I think this can feel a bit strange for men in particular.

A couple of things that worked for me, was:

Do not mention things like fertile windows or any other 'ttc' related lingo- this just adds to that feeling of making it a 'functional activity'. If you're only just starting off, there's no rush.

For the moment anyway, you could say to him, "let's just enjoy it, if you come you come, if not it doesn't matter- we have l plenty of time".

This worked for us as we just started enjoying it again and sometimes he came and others not for the first month or so. After a month of frequent sex, with no focus on the 'end goal', he began to relax and enjoy it again- now he comes pretty much every time, so it's all good 😁

ziggy1986 · 25/06/2017 22:59

Men can make themselves come at will??!!

That's a new one

Marie1986S · 27/06/2017 16:15

Hi All! Sorry to jump in! I joined mumsnet today hoping to find a thread like this as DH and I are going through similar. We are ttc our first and have been doin so for 6 months now. I have a really irregular cycle so try to use opk's and bbt to try and get idea of best fertility period. I normally do all this testing unbeknownst to my DH as in the words here I don't want my DH to feel under pressure or take fun out of ttc for both of us. However he does stress both in work (high pressure job) and then after works it's like he takes ttc on as another project he must complete and worry about. I do tell him we must relax but I feel like I have to keep us both in high spirits all the time (which wears me out). We have discussed this together on how to make things better but a cycle later and it's forgotten. As I'm the one with the irregular cycle I try not to say too much as I don't want him to worry that I'm worrying! It's jus when the time comes and I finally have positive opk he's too worn out to do the deed!
Sorry for long text! Once I get started ....

Discotastic · 27/06/2017 17:34

Currently experiencing the same thing with DH and just at a loss what to do.

Marie1986S · 27/06/2017 21:52

At the min we're trying to vary it up a bit wit doing it at different times and goin out for a meal or walk in evening... tryin not to have a routine and sex allocated a time slot in that routine. Big mood kill!! It kind of works but now n again we hit a wall! Fingers crossed this cycle is successful!

SaltyBitch · 27/06/2017 22:18

How's his job? Anything else stressing him out?

SaltyBitch · 27/06/2017 22:20

I think GlitterRose meant with his hand. Tbf, whenever my DP can't come through sex a hand will do the trick. Poorly phrased, but not madness. Don't think she was suggesting some on-off come switch.

Marie1986S · 27/06/2017 22:52

Nothing else stressful! We work in same industry which helps in understanding each other's work pressures. It's just all this ttc stuff. We're great to chat n even joke about it but when we hit these brick walls I don't know what to say... n how to make him not feel bad about it!

topcat2014 · 28/06/2017 19:28

We are TTC, (already have DD) - but are knocking on in age, and I have had to come off some meds that affect the little 'swimmers' - causing other symptoms.

TBH the whole thing becomes a performance, and tends to co-incide with the crappest nights of the week (Mondays anyone!

So, I think it could be performance anxiety - at least that's my excuse!

GlitterRoseGold · 28/06/2017 22:03

No I meant what I said. My partner can force himself to come if I'm finished and I want him to end sex now but come.

Obviously he concentrates and then comes most men can do this.

Birdsbeesandtrees · 28/06/2017 22:05

I'm fairly sure they can only do that if they are already on the edge so to speak.

WowserBowser · 28/06/2017 22:06

But how will that get her pregnant?

lifeisazebracrossing · 28/06/2017 22:15

Been through this. It's horrible. I would suggest telling him you'll have sex when the moment takes you and make sure your moments are fertile ones!!

Original poster

babyoven32 · 29/06/2017 05:50

Thanks everyone for your messages. WithCheesePlease - really really appreciate your advice. I do stress about it, so you make great sense to tell me to not show my frustration or feelings of inadequacy. Something I need to try as it happened again yesterday 😞

I'm out of my fertile window (I think, period due next week, so more than likely) so going to use the next week or so to relax about it and see what happens.

In answer to other questions - he is stressed. He has just built our extension and is about to start refurbishing our house and is still working full time. We already have a 2 year old and he comes into bed with us most nights, so sleep is disrupted. (This is affects when we can actually find time to do the deed!!) He also suffers from anxiety already, so this can't be helping.

I just don't want to become stressed out about ttc but I'm feeling this way already. I know it doesn't help but can't control my emotions.

I think we both need a night off 'responsibility' like Marie1986S suggests - going out for a nice evening first might help!!

I will keep you posted x

OP posts:

lovelysquish · 29/06/2017 09:49

When me and DP started TTC we had this problem. As much as you think there's no pressure, there is for him.

Ask him why don't you take a break from actively TTC. Just have sex because you want to.

We did this and the first time we did I got pregnant, unfortunately it ended up a MC. The next time we had sex after, I got pregnant again, she's 4.5 now 😍

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