Just thought I'd share whats going on at the moment and I'd love to know if anyone has any advice!
1St October 2016 was my due date, the day me and my partner had eagerly been waiting for, 9 months of tears, fear and overwhelming joy had built up to this day.
It was around 7am on that Saturday morning and I woke to notice my belly had tilted a little to the left... Not very concerned me and my partner lay in bed waiting to feel her little kicks. After an hour of nothing we took ourselves to the hospital at George elliot in Nuneaton to have a little check and see if we had a chance of having baby induced soon. I layed on the bed in triage and their was a lovely young midwife asking loads of questions about our nursery and so on.. She attaches the monitor and nothing... Silence.. Just pure silence. My heart was in my mouth and I went completely cold and numb. I remember I couldn't look at her anymore her face was alarming me so I just stared into my partners eyes, before we knew it there were 5 doctors around us and the senior doctor with all different types of equipment and scan machines swarming the little cubicle. And then everyone left and it was just the senior doctor left and he went down on his knees and held our hands and said "I am so sorry, theirs no heartbeat". And it's that line right there that haunts me and I will never forget that moment our world came crashing down all around us. My boyfriend broke.. He collapsed into me and cried his heart out, I just lay there numb and empty not a single tear came out. I remember they started talking about inducing me and what happens next and I just got up and walked out. It felt like I floated out of the hospital I wasn't in my body anymore I was in a severe state of shock. We went home but I couldnt go in.. I couldn't see the nursery or the pram or even our "mummy & daddy 2016 mugs" everything in the house reminded me of how much we've just lost. The rest of the day was a blurr. I woke Sunday morning and we took ourselves back to the hospital to listen what happens next they took me straight to labor ward where it was full of joy and little tiny baby cries and I sat on the bed in room 1 thinking how and why! Angry scared and empty all at the same time
They started the induction process that afternoon and I begged with them to let me take it slow, my baby girl was still in there and to me she was safe and I wanted to keep it that way for as long as I could. After alot of tears and complete heartbreak my baby girl paige was born on the 4th October 2016 weighing 8lbs 2 and a half Oz. Theirs no words I can write down in this box that will describe the feeling in that room once she was born. It was just silent, and no other word than pain and also a little proud of myself that I made such a beautiful baby girl it was such a mixture of feelings and words just can't explain.
We opted for a post mortem and once we got her back we had her funeral. On the 16th December we got told at the post mortem reading that she had died due to asphyxiation caused by delayed villious maturation, basically my placenta had grown old before its time and stopped supplying oxygen. We have been told it's extremely rare but we have a 1 in 20 chance of it happening again.
Christmas day I was ovulating and we took the decision to try again for another baby in hoping that we can somehow find some happiness in our lives and help rebuild some of our emptiness but in no way replace our beautiful girl paige. Unfortunately it hasn't happened as quickly as we had hoped and it's now may and I got my period today I feel very deflated and every month you build up such a hope that it's your month and then it starts all over again, I got sent for a cycle 21 blood test this month and came back fine so I am ovulating but I can't help the stress. People say relax and it will happen but when you are grieving and your need for a baby is borderline an obsession it's very hard to lay back and think oh well maybe next month... Months just seem so long apart these days and every month my obsession gets bigger and all the more consuming I've got his and hers conception tablets, fertility lubricant, digital and non digital ovoulation tests and about 25 pregnancy tests at 1 time. I feel like my need for a baby to love and care for has taken over my life and possibly in some ways it feels like I'm doing it to take my focus off from my grief, I just feel very angry and let down by myself and it's a hard situation to get out from if anyone has any advice I would love to hear from another perspective.