When is the right time to have a baby?

[Gangle]

Hello everyone. First time on mumsnet and not yet pregnant so not really sure I should be on here but . . . question: When is the right time to have a baby? I'm 30 (31 in August) and got married last year and have started feeling v.broody of late. However, I have some reservations which mainly revolve around getting fat, feeling unattractive, loss of independence, leaving a fab job and never having quite the same relationship with my hubbie. Did anyone else have these fears and, if so, what did you do to overcome them? Any thoughts greatly appreciated.

I am pregnant with our first (32 weeks), we´ve been married 18 months and I´m 29 so several months ago was in a very similar place to you. We had been talking about it and dh originally wanted to wait a bit longer but I was worried that we might take a long time to conceive etc etc. In the end we decided to just go for it on exactly that same basis of ´there´ll never be a right time´.

We figured there would always be more places we wanted to travel to first (as a couple), more things we wanted to buy, more things we needed to do and we could put it off by this argument forever. What won it round is that essentially we both decided that having a baby was the one thing we knew we both definitely definitely wanted and would not be happy to forgo. So we tried and 6 weeks later I was pregnant. We were in quite a bit of shock for a while, having convinced ourselves it could take a year but of course we thrilled and excited aswell. After the crippling fear subsided

I do feel fat and sometimes unattractive, I feel like my life is already changing, I can see that I will have less in common with some friends for a while, I can´t/ don´t want to go out as much, I feel a bit bored and quite lonely and I know dh and I will never be ´just us´ again. But we´ll be a family, there´ll be 3 ´just us´ and we are both very very excited about meeting our baby and wouldn´t turn back time and do anything differently for all the world.

At the end of the day, it really seems that people who regret having had kids are in a small minority.

just what I wanted to hear! When you started trying, exactly how far did you plan it? Did you just start and hope for the best or did you try to ensure the baby would be born at a certain time? Hear all sorts about it best for them to be born in sept/oct so that they're oldest in the year although I personally don't believe that being a spring or summer baby (being one myself!) prejudices you in any way at all.

Also, at the risk of sounding silly and frivolous - do you ever get your old body back or do you have to accept it's gone for good? I see loads of gorgeous mums out and about so assume it's the latter but would be interested in hearing any personal experiences and exactly how hard it is to get back in shape (and if you actually care!).

I think it would be hard to plan exactly what time in the year you wanted to have a baby... it took us just three or four months of trying both times. Actually it's great having them in the winter, because you don't get out much anyway in the first month or so, and they sleep more as it's darker outside (well, theoretically! )

And the body thing, I breastfed ds1 and walked loads with the buggy and was never as thin as I was the first few months... then he started eating food and I'd be polishing off his lunch etc. and I put some back on again... but I don't look all that different really.

Are you ordering from a catalogue?

I'm afraid that with motherhood you may need to try some things, change some others and just accept what you can't change. Children may be projects but there are so many variables that are just out of your control.

ok, just sounding out some of the things I've heard, bonkers as they may sound! Decided to get on the folic acid and start properly trying in maybe 3 months. Will keep you posted! xx

just do it! it is a bit like starting a new job. I suppose the job title would be managing director....i am ignoring the other less glamorous aspects! You will make lots of new friends and you will feel jolly pleased with yourself for doing it...

Gangle - we planned ours a while in advance - I went and had a Rubella injection about a year before.

When it came to it I didn't want to be in hospital over Christmas, so we waited till even if I conceived first time it would be due mid Jan.

I knew pregnancy was 40 weeks, but didn't realise you count from day one of your cycle...

... baby was due New Year's Eve, waters broke on Christmas Day - ds1 was born on 27th Dec that year.

Ds2 was conceived first time, too - we were very lucky.

(oh, and stop reading the glamourous yummy-mummy books and lay your hands on a copy of Libby Purves' How Not To Be A Perfect Mother. Much more useful .)

Gangle, this is the first time I've posted on mumsnet too - though I've been avidly reading through it for about four months now. But seeing your post made me want to tell you that you are not alone and I know exactly how you feel. I've been wrestling with all the very same issues.
We are about to start trying and I do believe that it's a very hard decision to make because you want to do what is truly best for you, your dh and of course your child. I am constantly weighing up the pros and cons of this huge leap. I'm nearly 27 and have been married for two years so getting started now would be good because I'm never going to be younger, healthier or have more engery than I have now - but - what if I'm too young? I personally don't feel that I am, but everyone around me seems to be of the opionion that if you have a child before you are 30 then you are in so way 'missing out' on precious years of freedom that you won't get back. This does annoy me because it seems having a baby in your mid 20s is deemed mental these days! I have come to the conclusion that if you want kids, which I really do, then getting on with it is a good idea. Some times I think I try to plan to much - what vitamins to take when, what time of year would be best for the baby to be born in etc, etc. Have even asked poor dh to not drink (not that he drinks that much anyway) for three months on the run up to trying properly so that his sperm are in top condition!
I know this has turned into a bit of a ramble, but I just want to reassure you - as you have me. And don't worry about what age eveyone else is - I learnt not to when I got married and every one told me that 24 was far to young to walking down the isle in this day and age. My retort then, as it is now, was 'says who?!' It's too easy to get caught up in timescales and what other people think - you do what you want when it makes you happy.
Hope that helps!

thanks Treenie, nice to know I'm not alone! Sounds like it's the right time for you. Agree completely about peer-pressure and the tempation to do what everybody else is doing, or not doing - good for you for doing your own thing! I hear what people say when they say just go for it as you can't take your fertility for granted but at the same time it seems like such a massive massive thing that needs and deserves a lot of consideration. Best of luck! xx

Gangle,

I was 35 when i had dd it took us 2 years to fall pregnant, so i would have been 33 when we started ttc (dh 31). I am now 37 with our second pg (mc in june last yr after another 19month of ttc).

I didn't intentionaly leave it until i was in my 30's i just didn't meet anyone who either wanted to marry or have children with.

There is no "right time" to have a child, it will effect everything in your life, but for the good.

HTH

re. planning WHEN to do it.. well if we´d have known it would happen so fast we would have waited at the very least 6 months more but the whole point was that we didn´t know and didn´t want to kick ourselves for waiting once we knew we wanted to go for it just to find it took us years, IYKWIM.

Also in a way starting when it wasn´t the ´perfect´ time meant that I wasn´t as anxious that it happen straight away, wasn´t checking ovulation or temperature or anything and was generally more relaxed about it all. I imagine if you tried to go for a particular season you could get quite stressed about it.

I´ve been pregnant over winter and it´s definitely preferable to being heavily pregnant in July/ August heat, the baby is due in April so it won´t be too hot for him at first. And in winter you can cover your bump with jumpers etc. Downside being that I probably won´t be close to getting my body back til summer is over so have to wear summer clothes with rolls of belly hanging out! And I think someone before said they found winter a great time to have a baby for other reasons, so I think you´ll find you´ll be so pleased with yourself for having done it that the time of year doesn´t count for much!

treenie, let me tell you you'll appreciate your freedom much more when you're in your 40's and the kids are starting to be off your hands - i had mine at 35 and 38 and will be 54 when the younger one is 16
mind you i didnt really live it up when i was younger....just wasted my 'freedom'

gangle - you asked why I left it til mid-thirties to start ttc, partly it was because I did not get married until I was 33, and did not want to start ttc til we had had at least a year of married life without children. I did not want to leave it any later as I was concerned about how long it might take to concieve being that bit older. As it happens both my children were concieved on the 4 month/cycle of trying.

Then there was also the issue of jobs, it had to be at a time that I felt that I could take a career break. It is difficult leaving a great job, and it is difficult to find satifying part-time work that fits in around children. But having said that, last summer I took 4 months off to be a stay-at-home-mum, and loved every minute of it. I am back working full-time at the moment and miss my children"!! I hope to go back to part-time very soon, so that I can have the best of both worlds. It is a thing to think about before having children.

As for feeling unattractive during and after pg, I have to say it was not all that bad, I did have a few moments of sadness when stretch marks appeared over the underside of my belly, but my darling dh said "they are the firey marks showing the great result of our passion" and despite it being corney, it really helped me re-evalutate my view of myself, and think more positively.

My relationship with my hubbie changed, but is just different, not worse or necessarily better, but still good. We do find it difficult to not talk about our children when we go out for a night, but that is ok too.

Becoming a mother is a miraculous life-changing experience, but I would not discourage anyone from doing it as it is also the most precious of experiences too.

I hope you are finding this helpful in making your decision as to whether now is the right time for you.

At 37 I was one of the oldest in my antenatal classes. Knowing what I know now, I wish I'd started my family earlier, but I didn't meet the right man until my early 30s, then when we decided to start trying, it took us 3 years. So I'm broody as anything now and want another...

Gangle
was thinking about this this morning and thought another point worth raising is that your experience will be different to everyone elses and you are in control of it to a greater or lesser extent.
When I look at my sister in law or my friends with kids the thought of becoming a mother freaks me out because I don't want my life to be like theirs. That is not to say that they are unhappy or that I think anything they are doing is wrong, but it just wouldn't suit me. Just like I wouldn't want to marry their husband, wear their clothes or live in their house. We all have different ideas and tastes.
What I try to remind myself is that I am the one in charge of my experience of motherhood.
I think when we begin to think about TTCing we have preconcieved ideas about what it will be like because we base our frame of reference on what we have seen others go through. While there are certain things that are sure to happen - getting bigger etc - there are lots of things you can control and manage to suit your own lifestyle. You mentioned feeling fat and unattractive - have you seen the amazing maternity clothes you can get now?! Have already chosen my wardobe! If you want I can make a list of all the shops for you?
Once you really look into it you'll realise that you can tailor motherhood to fit with all your other views on how you want your life/relationship/career to be.
Discovering that has made me feel a whole lot more ready and I think by the sounds of it, it will help you too. x

Treenie, that is a fantastic point and makes me feel a hundred times more positive about it. The scariest thing is seeing other examples and thinking that it what you will become whether you like it or not - not that they are bad examples, it's just not right for you. Thank you for pointing out that it is within your control to do it whichever way you feel. One of the big stumbling blocks for me is worrying that it will be very hard to come back to my job full time but if that's what I decide I really want to do, I can - there are no rules. And it's inspiring that Mum03 has made different options work at different times.

I know what you mean about the work thing. But bear in mind that your attitude might change once you've had a child. Leave all you options open so that you can decide then. Of course it depends on the kind of job you have, but you can get flexible working hours or maybe set up your own business? I've spoken to so many mums who gained incredible inspiration from their children and used the new experience they had to start a new job/company. I'm not saying that having a child is a way to climb the career ladder, but often it can push you in new exciting directions. I've met mothers who have seen gaps in the market because there was something they wished had been around when they were pregnant.
Also there are loads of child care options out there - have a look on some of the other threads on that.
I def intend to go back to work in some shape or form because I want retain the things that make me 'me'. And I believe I will be a better mother/wife/person for it. Even if I had all the cash in the world I'd still want to work because I love my job.
So keep an open mind. As I said it depends on your job, but when one door closes and another one opens - terrible cliche I know, but it's so true.

I second everything you say, Treenie, with one proviso: I know several mums who had everything all planned to go back to work, and when the time came, just didn't want to. Having a baby alters your perspective on everything in ways that you can't predict until it happens.

I really feel differently about my body after having children

Before I was obsessed, as most women are

After, I know the fabulous things that my body has brought me (growing and nurturing my children) and I am really grateful. My body is a mess but I don't care. I just want to be healthy and I'm happy with that. It's liberating. Having children changes your attitude to just about everything - it might well change your attitude to your body as well.

Also, you do have very little time to actually look in a mirror

hurrah

Gangle, I just wanted to say a big hello and welcome. You sound a lot like I did two years ago. I knew I wanted children and I knew I would have them, but could not fathom how to decide when. I had happily been with DH for 6 years, was extremely happy, enjoying a fulfilling career and had so many doubts and niggles that I was sure I probably wasn't ready. As time went on I found myself reading up on pregnancy, birth, childcare etc, joining Mumsnet, asking friends and family how they had found things and eventually DH took the decision out of my hands. As he so rightly pointed out, all of the research and questions meant one thing: I wanted a baby. It took his point that there was no such thing as a right time and we would always find a reason to postpone that made me realise that I could do it and in my own way. I am 30wks pregnant and intend to return to work after 9 months, under my own terms. They couldn't be more helpful.

There are days when I think 'my goodness, what have I done?' (as all pregnant women do) but I look at my ever-expanding tummy and the little limbs poking out from it and I look at DH who made the baby with me and I know that there will never be a wrong time.

And in terms of my body changing? Oh yes, it is but do not underestimate how amazed you will be by what it is capable of and how insignificant a stretchmark can become.

hello showoffhands! Loved hearing your experience. We're in the same boat! Do you mind me asking how old you are? Have a feeling DH may take the decision out of my hands - only last night he was saying that it could takes years to conceive and that I'm not getting any younger. I do want them and love hearing all these wonderful experiences BUT, i think I'm just clinging onto the last bit of a single independent existence for a litle bit longer. Loved your point about looking at your DH and knowing you've done the right thing. When I look at the reasons I want to have a baby, the main reason is that I love DH so much and think what an amazing little person it would be.