How to have the "I want a baby" talk

[badgerbollard]

Reposting here from chat, have tried to shorten down a bit.

I've recently found out that I have very low ovarian reserve, and also endometriosis and adenomyosis. This seems to have sparked something in me, and all I can think of is desperately wanting to start to try to conceive, mindful that it may take us some time. I don't know if it's hormones but I'm suddenly broody as hell.

I've tried to gently mention this to DP but he just seems to just clam up. I don't want to keep nagging or bringing it up all the time and to seem like a crazy baby lady (!!!) but I just don't know how to approach this.

How did you all have "the baby talk"? It seems so silly to not be able to talk frankly, please tell me I'm not alone!

We never really had a mature discussion tbh I just cried everytime i got drunk about wanting a baby and eventually he agreed as well

I agree a calm discussion is needed, it is really hard to keep emotions out of it as after all it is an emotional decision. It took a lot of talks before we started to try.

I found that while I knew my DH wanted children, in fact he had instigated the 'do you see children in your future' conversation right at the beginning of our relationship as it was a deal breaker for him (and me) the idea of kids one day changing to kids right now is a scary one. It was one that he took a while to get his head around and I think only really came to terms with fully the week DS was born and he realised how much he loved him.

Wow, I'm sorry to hear so many people with bad experiences at work due to having children.

Haveacupoftea that made me laugh!

I have decided to approach the subject over the weekend with a glass of wine! I am shitting myself feeling rather nervous.

For years I tried to broach this very subject with my now husband; he refused to so much as give me a timescale on when he might be ready to maybe consider even talking about it.

We've been together for 5 and a half years now and he's agreed we could start trying, we're on cycle 1 right now. I would love to say it was a civilised, adult conversation from the get go, but to be honest I pretty much burst into tears and told him how depressed I was getting seeing everyone else have what I so desperately wanted for us. I was expecting to be told we weren't going to have this conversation right now, but to my surprise he said 'let's go for it'.

I guess sometimes tentatively skirting round the issue doesn't get across how seriously you want something.

Hey badger totally get where you are coming from. DH and I skirted around this one for a while before we agreed to start TTC. I find my DH likes time to process things rather than being asked to make a decision on the spot. He tends to say no or delay if he hasn't had time to think something through. So I ended up saying to him 'I'd like us to start trying on X date because [reasons]. Don't give me an answer now, but please can you think about it and we can discuss it again in a few weeks.'

Personally I found it less scary bringing it up that way as well because there was less pressure knowing he wouldn't have to answer straight away. We're now TTC and very much on the same page.

Also I know people say have these conversations sober but sometimes helps! Hope it goes well!

DH actually bought it up after my last lap. The doctor explained that it has advanced to stage three, and it was getting worse not better. We decided between us that if we wanted to have biological children, we needed to start now. I think another deciding factor for me was making him understand how much pain I was in, and that I couldn't handle many more years of waiting.

I'm sorry. I really don't have much advice. But I know how shit it is to have this diagnosis almost force a decision on you. And I know how shit both conditions are.

I hope your talk goed well

*goes

How did it go badger?

Myself and my husband had a drink-fuelled conversation about starting to have kids, but it was in vein as a week later I found out I was already pregnant!

Thanks for thinking of me

Unfortunately I didn't manage to have the talk with him at the weekend. I had a big endometriosis flare up on Saturday night, when I was planning to bolster my confidence with wine, so I ended up in bed early with a hot water bottle.

I am hoping to try again this Saturday. It's so silly but I try to keep imagining the best way to start the conversation and making myself panic. I think I'm just going to come out with it and say "when do you see us having a baby?", and go from there.

Thank you all for listening for my pathetic ramblings! Need to order myself some big girl pants I think.

If you don't want him to clam up/ panic and change the subject, I would schedule the talk with him. Say "I would like to talk about my medical results and our fertility. Can we have a proper discussion about it on Saturday morning? I want to know what you think". Give him a few days to mull it over. If you spring the discussion on him after a glasses of wine, he won't have his thoughts in order, you will be too keyed up, it will be too pressured for you both.

When you talk, you don't need to come to a decision that day. You can have several discussions about this. Some people don't have realistic expectations about how difficult it can be to get pregnant with medical conditions/ age. Tell him what you know, let him think it over and maybe research himself too.

You do need to have a deadline in mind though. If he says " not now, later" - when? What does he want to delay for?

What would you do if he didn't want children in a realistic timeframe for you?

Hi Badger,

I find that when you tell men what you want they automatically imagine you as having what you want "right now" - so to speak.

Maybe remind him that it can take even healthy couples up to 12 months to conceive and with your health issues it is adding an extra incentive for you to want to try earlier than expected.

My OH and I decided once we bought our house (we are renting at the moment) we would try. Then out of a discussion about babies which he brought up, he was under the impression that basically the minute I came off the pill I'd be pregnant and I informed him of the above, it could take up to 12 months. At the time he was saying that he "wanted a baby next year" (this was last year) and I told him it will most probably be the year after that, that we actually have a baby in our arms, reminding him of the normal time it could take to get pregnant (12 months) plus the 9 months you are pregnant on top of that.

Anyway it was actually him who then, a few weeks later asked me to come off the pill. I didn't put him under any pressure what so ever.

If you ask your partner if he wants a baby and he says "yes, in the future" just remind him that if that "future" means within 2 years time then remind him that if that's the case you need to get trying now!

Otherwise, if he clams up or actually doesn't want this then seriously think about your future with him. I was with my ex for 8 years and he was always promising me that we'd buy a house, have kids etc and then I found him cheating with a girl at work. When I met my current boyfriend and we began casually dating I brought up the subject straight away, that I'm getting older and with a view to having a baby and if that's not what he wants in the future then I want out before we have even started, I expressed to him to not lie as it was my life that would be forever messed up if he messed me around.

If your partner doesn't want a baby and you plan to leave him for this reason, please just make it clear to the person you're next dating that it's a deal breaker.

I honestly don't think it will come to that though, I think if you have a good chat with him he will come around let us know how you get on. Yes have wine ready for your chat! X