To TTC or not?

[JustKeepPaddling]

Hello,

I posted this in chat before but had no responses. I hope it's ok to post in here.

I have been having a lot of discussions lately with DH about our future and we can't seem to come to a solution somehow.

We left university about 3-4 years ago and have been working in fairly good jobs-Graduate scheme for one of us and teaching for the other.

We got married this summer and recently moved. We live in the south east due to jobs (moved here after graduating) and have no family close by but good friends we've made over the years.

Now we are both going towards 30 and getting a bit worried. With paying rent we are saving a bit each months but won't be able to save a house deposit for years. It's simply not possible despite both of us working long hours and in fairly decent careers. When we were at uni we always thought we'd do some travelling too but yeah, it's never really happened due to finances. We are in steady jobs but with rent and bills we get by comfortable but not many extra luxuries like travel or savings.

We both want children but we are unsure what to do. I feel quite broody now but am worried about having children while renting, especially as this would mean saving up for a deposit would be out completely.

But if we wait till we can afford a deposit I'll probably be over 35 before we are in a position to think about it. This seems quite late in case there are any issues/if we want more than 1?

I just wondered what other people's take on this would be. Would you prioritise having a stable home before having a baby? Renting seems so insecure. Will we ever afford a house if we have children soon? Will it be too late if we wait till we are in our mid thirties?

I know no one can solve this-I kinda just wanted to talk about it with someone.

Hi JKP

I really understand where you're coming from, and it is tricky. All the people I've ever spoken to have said there is never an ideal time to try.
I suppose you need to think about your reasons for TTC. Are you thinking about doing it now solely because you're getting closer to 30, or do you feel ready now and want a baby now?

It's hard not to get pushed into the trap of "I have no choice but to do it now because I'm getting older, even though ideally I'd prefer to do it in a few years."

If you feel ready and want a baby now, I'd say do it and figure the rest out as you go.
If you're not desperate to be parents right now and it's more the age thing pushing you to TTC, I'd say do it in your thirties - age isn't the be all and end all it used to be.

I really wouldn't get hung up on things like renting when you have a baby. As long as you're financially stable and can afford to add a child to your life as it currently is, if you want one just do it.

There is no perfect time - who knows what might come up in the meantime- it's not just a baby that changes things in life!

If you fancy one great holiday or whatever beforehand, I would do that (or perhaps a few long weekend city breaks around Europe) as those are memories you will have just the two of you. That said, there is nothing to stop you travelling with a baby/children.

Thank you for your very kind reply!

You're making a very good point. I think DP would wait a lot longer whereas I feel more desperate to have a child soon.

I'm making good progress career wise and have just been given a great opportunity for next year so I'd want to wait for another year or so anyway.

The question is whether we should wait even longer than that.

I do worry about housing. I'm from a country where where renting is more secure and home ownership not as common. But here with rolling contracts etc I'm more eager to own a house. I just know it won't happen for at least another 7 years and that's only if we save every penny.

Thank you barefoot, I posted while you did.

I do think we would wait about a year toTTC just career wise for me and as DH will be finishing off some qualifications in that time.

We could have a baby now but it will look better financially in a year or two.

I also take on board what you said about travelling. A few small trips before TTC might be nice with just the two of us.

I am broody now but know a year or so would fly by. I have some weight to lose and love my job so the time would fly by, especially if we throw in some weekend breaks.

Interesting that neither of you are too hang up about having a house. O cause I know a lot of people have children and don't own property. I think it's pressure from the in laws partly who don't understand why we haven't bought anywhere (because we don't have enough money for a deposit and it's much more expensive than when they were young) and my own insecurities.

I have fantastic friends and a great network down here and would rather not move, especially if we have children soon. This makes it even harder as a house is literally out of our reach down here.

Hi Just , wanted to add my perspective. If you dont have much spare funds now, can you afford a child? Specifically the reduced maternity pay, then childcare if you go back to work? Something to consider? Can you move to a cheaper property so you can save quicker? Or cut down on monthly bills?

Thank you smu. Finances are definitely something we would have to consider in greater detail.

We do have spare cash, just not enough to save for a £30k deposit or whatever. We are fine every months and are now in a position to start going on holiday etc. We weren't before, you're right. This is one of the reasons we wouldn't think of TTC right now, but wait another year. Travel a bit and put some money aside, especially once both of us have moved to where we want to be career wise. We'd be fine on Mat pay but would have to budget a lot. And then child care obviously. It's a big expense and a huge consideration.

Also bear in mind it might take longer to conceive that you might think... Many couples take a year or more to conceive after actively starting to try. I honestly thought that I would fall as soon as we started having unprotected sex. 9 months later... nada.

It can also take awhile for your body to cycle regularly if you currently use hormonal birth control, so that is something to consider in your timescale.

I am in the 'there is never a best time' camp. Life is for figuring out. As a teacher myself, I totally understand the compulsive planning, but this ttc lark has taught me that not everything goes to plan always!

Ultimately it's upto you both but if you do choose to wait bear in mind that there's no guarantee you will get pregnant straight away. I was really worried about ttc thinking that there were a million things I wanted to do first but now we're ttc I find myself worrying and wondering why it hasn't happened yet (silly as we haven't been trying that long) but as my mum said to me "there will ALWAYS be a reason why it's not the right time, you just have to do it and it will just work trust me" I would like us to have bought a house first too but saving for deposits while paying rent isn't easy and we decided to just go for it whatever you choose to do, good luck :) xx

Have you looked into "help to buy" schemes by the way? There are different options available but I know there's one where you can put money into a savings account and the government will give you £50 for every £200 you save. The maximum they will give you is £3000 but that's better than a kick in the bum xx

We are also ttc and are renting. I had a conversation with a family friend and what he said really hit home with me. My partner was ready for a baby but I wanted to wait, be more financially secure, get married etc etc but he told me his biggest life regret was not having more children. They only had one and kept putting off having more and waiting for more money to come along. He said if you wait, that day may never come. My partner and I don't earn a fortune between us but enough to get us by.

I think the most important thing is that you are in a stable relationship and it's something that you both want. Renting doesnt matter and so many people have said to me that in regards to money, you just find a way to manage x

I could have written your post a few years ago! In the end we waited a couple of years for me to progress in my career and for my DH to start building up his business. This also gave me some time to lose some weight and generally get healthier in preparation for TTC.

We were extremely fortunate that via some help from family members we were able to buy our own house but realistically that never could have happened if we'd be left to save on our own. If we were still renting it wouldn't change our decision to try for a baby now (as we are!) I know a lot of couples with small children in rented accommodation and if worst came to the worst and they had to move then so be it. There is always that risk with renting but it can be resolved and you can move on. I think waiting consciously another 7 years probably isn't the best just in case you run into any problems with your fertility (am sure you won't but suppose none of us know.)

Good luck whatever you decide to do :)

Hi, I just thought I would add my story 🙂 My first child is 4 ( 5 in Feb) and we have rented ever since he was born, I am not 14weeks pregnant with number 2 (planned) and we would love to buy our own home but like you, deposit is a killer! However we have just said we will continue to rent but whilst I am pregnant really tighten our belts and save as much as we can, we already have a little put aside but need to double it to get the amount we need. We will do it and if it takes time it takes time....meanwhile we are living comfortable and can afford to save if we cut back which is easier when pregnant (no expensive nights out drinking etc) honestly it's totally up to you but I you may find that there's never the "perfect" time. There will always be something else to pay/save for so my advice is if it's what you want go for it, you don't know how long it will take you, if it takes a while that's extra time for you to save? Honestly when you have a family a mortgage is not the be all and end all (in my opinion) you will get there eventually it's just which way round you decide to do it. Hope this helps xx

I just checked and saw there were more responses, sorry for replying so late. It's so nice to hear everyone's story and to hear different opinions. it has given us a lot of food for thought! Thank you

I'd say don't over think it, I have been way over thinking it about TTC number 3, childcare costs and my career being the main things I worry about, so we have decided to try in the summer after a holiday we have already booked. I'm 33 though and already have 2. It always works out in the end just relax and enjoy life xx

Hi... another thing to add is you ssy you are in SE? Well buying is deffo not always cheaper than renting down here! DH was sure he wanted to buy until we saw an advisor telling him how much we would have to pay etc... and it was more expensive to buy on our small deposit than it was to rent and use our savings as a baby fund! So ultimately the choice was either have children now or don't ever as we wouldn't ever be able to afford children and have a mortgage. Bills are just bills at the end of the day and as long as they are covered you just have to make do with the best you can with what is left... your baby wont love you less because he is in Asda baby clothes instead of Ted Baker! Xxx