Baby Envy

[TwinGirlsLifeGoals]

I wonder if anyone could offer some advice. I have not managed to fall pregnant but desperately want girls. I'm terrified of a few things -
Will I get gender depression if I get a boy
Can I not have children at all
Do I not 'deserve' a child because I'm so set on the gender of the child (as many friends have suggested)

But also I'm suffering from major jealousy when people I know have girls! It's totally stupid but I feel like the odds go down every time a girl is born, so I find it hard to be happy for the new mother!! This is leading to friendship breakdowns and me getting left out of things because I am desperate to hold the baby/ask to babysit/act needy. It's awful but I can't help myself.

Does anyone know how I feel?? Help!

Although it's never happened to me, I do get what you mean and think it's normal. My story was just to say that no matter what, these things are never in our control, but it's the child that's more important, not the gender. I was lucky, tbf, I just knew the scan was wrong and that he was a boy so I was never actually surprised by everything after his birth as I felt I had a heads up, so to speak, so I never felt I'd 'lost' a girl.

I'm almost 40, the 'stinky girl' comment is me commenting on behalf of the boys in question who run a mile from me. Haha!

Well, I wouldn't say it was normal - for me, it was definitely a symptom of general anxiety and also a wish to replay some aspects of my daughter's young babyhood that I'd missed due to PND - so it wasn't normal.

And while the feeling isn't something to be ashamed of, if you've been acting oddly to the point of alienating your friends, then perhaps there's some apologising and changing of your ways to be done there?

I'm not sure why or how I've alienated them, I literally act like I would like to receive. I offer babysitting and hold the children during catch ups. When my friends 'can't cope' I offer babysitting again and get rejected every time. They play the 'oh they're not good with anyone other than close family' card. It may be true but it makes me feel like a failure and unsuitable parent (wannabe). I try to fake my feelings - acting graceful and saying no problem but the offer is always there etc, so don't know where I'm going wrong. Some of my friends have no problem being insensitive around me and it hurts so I try not to do the same back. They are good at turning my issue into something about an issue they have - e.g. Breast feeding inability worry - apparently it's a myth etc because they can do it so EVERYONE can do it (this is just an example of a conversation so please no hate towards that subject).
I obviously have a plethora of issues going on here that I didn't realise until I came on here and was a me to get it all out. Wow!

Maybe a counselling session or two would help you get to the bottom of it. Any baby you have in the future - they're not there to resolve your issues and deal with your longing or feelings of failure - it doesn't work like that. And it's so easy to slip into that mindset: as I said, I did it myself.

Well you said 'led to friendship breakdowns' so this feeling you have is obviously having a negative affect on your life: people are distancing themselves from you, or you from them, or both. So it is worth sorting it out and not hoping for or relying on a baby to fix it for you. That's all I meant.

Feelings about gender can be complex and aren't things to be ashamed of, but your reasons for wanting a girl are pretty... odd. As a PP said, you sound like a 10-year-old there. And when you boil it down, what you're saying is that you're worried a son wouldn't like you.

I would have some counselling on this, honestly. You have a lot of feelings tangled up in this which probably stem from your own childhood stuff and need to be worked through, and I'm worried that you are expecting a baby to "fix" feelings and issues from that time. That's not a burden that should ever be put on a child.

Girls like me better (I think because I look very girly?!) boys tend to act like I'm a stinky girl and rarely speak to me!!
I dream of my baby being a girl when I sleep

Do you not think that actually it's because of the way you act towards boys? Children aren't stupid, it's probably because you behave differently. Whether knowingly or not. They probably sense you aren't interested in them.

As a Mum of two wonderful boys I find this rather unbelievable and hard to read, you do sound immature. What are you going to do if you have a boy?

Op, I desperately wanted a daughter. My mother died when I was young and I just wanted that relationship - the mother-daughter thing.

But I have boys. I honestly wouldn't swap them and HONESTLY don't care. But when I was pregnant with my first boy and found out, I cried. I felt so guilty for crying but I did. I've forgiven myself now as I know I couldn't love him more than I'd love a girl.

Every now and again, I still feel a daughter-pang. I'm done with having kids though. So it's not strong enough to make me want another

Don't feel guilty. And please don't worry if you end up with a boy, you'll utterly adore him. I promise. Boys are wonderful (they say daddy's girls, mummy's boys and I think there's some truth there!).

But I hope you get your little girl.

I can't really relate to this as I had zero preference in both pregnancies (I have a boy and now expecting a girl). I'm an older mum so having healthy children is my main focus.

I worry about you getting pregnant and having a boy OP. I'm sure you'd love him more than you think you might but it wouldn't be fair to bring a boy into this world if you don't think you would love him and treat him as you would a girl. Maybe you should put conceiving on hold for now.

Do you think your friendships are breaking down because of your neediness? I wonder how much in real life you go on about having a girl, probably more than you realise if your friends are commenting. Do any of your friends have boys, how do you think they feel? Do you only offer to hold/baby sit girls? Because I could see why your friends are taking a step backwards if so.

DH and I both had a boy preference. Of course I had DD and we absolutely adore her, I couldn't love her more. My heart almost explodes when I see her laughing, squealing and playing with her daddy.
We didn't find out the sex before the birth and the day she was born was such a whirlwind disappointment didn't enter my mind.
I'm sure you will love your son if you have one. I wouldnt dwell on it, focus on ttc.

I think you have expectations in your head about what you think having a girl is like. You're girly, your DD may not be.

you sound unhinged

OP, I really wanted a girl too, so we found out at the 20 week scan (found it is a girl) and if I'm honest I would have been a bit disappointed if I'd been having a boy. However, I'm sure this disappointment wouldn't have lasted, and im definitely grateful just to be able to have a healthy child. This makes me think that there's probably more than having a preference going on for you, especially if it's impacting on existing relationships. I'd really recommend seeking some support about this, to talk through the gender issue but also the other stuff that's on your mind, such as difficulty in conceiving. You haven't mentioned your DP much in this, is he able to offer some support too? What are his feelings about this?

I also don't think some of the replies on here are particularly helpful and seem a bit harsh, it sounds like you need support not judgment.