Unreasonable disappointment - period arrived

[KirstyinNorway]

Expecting to get roasted here, but I'm feeling a bit fragile so please try to be kind (while maybe injecting me with some sense because I know I'm being stupid).

I have wanted to be a Mum since I can remember. When I married DH I knew he wanted kids too, and we planned to enjoy our new marriage for 18 months and then start trying (that would have been this coming December).

We ended up just getting a bit excited and started trying last month, and today I have started my period (I don't think I'm "implantation spotting", it's too heavy and I took a test just in case and got a negative).

I know I'm being stupid, many couples have to try for ages, I'm moaning when some people have real fertility issues and I've only tried for one cycle, the average couple has to try for 6-12 months, etc.

I think I had unrealistic expectations as 4 friends became instantly pregnant(!) with 2 conceiving on their first month, and 2 conceiving while using the pill.

We haven't told anyone we're trying and I feel like I can't tell anyone that I'm disappointed. Stupid, yes. Unreasonable, yes. Still real emotion though.

Anyway. Thank you for reading if you got this far - it just feels quite nice to get it off my chest

Spam88

Thanks for your comment; I'm always interested to hear how long it has taken "real people" (as opposed to NHS statistics which are obviously vague). I have the doubts you mention but am buoyed up by your experience of it only being 3 cycles but feeling forever - if you could only KNOW how long it was going to take it would be 'easy'(ish... Kind of... Not really) to wait. I thoroughly enjoyed my half-bottle of Sauvignon last night though.

sarahboro1 and ScottishLady7
I'm so sorry you've both been waiting a long time. I was dreading ladies like you commenting - not because I don't want to hear your stories, but because I assumed you'd think I was being childish and silly for being disappointed after only one cycle. Your kind words are lovely and do make me feel better: especially as you say ScottishLady that your doc says it will most likely happen with time.
Hoping for a hit of that self preservation stuff that you and others have mentioned soon. I think it was the expectation that we'd done everything on the checklist and OF COURSE I'd just get knocked up on the first try(!) Daft assumption to make - I'm a rule-follower and expect a reward if I do as I'm told. Too simplistic.
I'll try and just take it as it comes; this first fail was a bit of a shock to the system and I suspect I'll be much less expectant next cycle.

I can't offer you any advice or useful information to either of you sarahboro1 and ScottishLady7 but I'm so sorry about your disappointment/sadness and sending luck and flowers your way. Who knows - next cycle we might all get lucky. Please do keep me updated if you want to, I'd always be interested.

haveacupoftea

That must have been confusing then, sorry! Haha. It was a thread in AIBU about people that use the word "cuppa" (as in, 'who wants a cuppa?') and how much OP hated it. There was a user whose name was "haveacuppatea" who just posted a blushing face and 'backs out of thread slowly' which really made me laugh. Thought you'd taken it to heart and changed your name!

I'll take any advice, so starting tomorrow, I'll be doing the hot water with lemon and honey too. Why not?

Personally I think the longer you try the more stronger you become I was having melt downs the first few months I tried for over 2 years to get pregnant and the further it got the stronger i got when it came to negatives as i was almost always expecting them. I have finally just got pregnant with my first child, come back from my scan yesterday and I'm having twins! X

Wow holz that's an amazing story and what a reward after your long wait!!!
Here's hoping you have an uneventful pregnancy

I only got 1 positive pregnancy test as well around cycle day 75! All others were negative. I'm 13 weeks 2 days!!

You must have been going mad having to wait until CD75 for your BFP!

Had you started to think you were pregnant or did you just think it was a ridiculously long cycle?

Wow holz twins! Worth the long wait then I hope! I am similar to you in that I am now on cd57 and keep getting bfn. Really hoping I have a bfp eventually like you. FX for us all.

I knew I was pregnant but I convinced myself I wasn't because of the negative tests. Even yesterday I wasn't expecting to see anything. But I just knew I had all these big blue veins in my boobs and small thin purple ones I felt nauseous quite a bit and below my belly button felt really bruised but there was nothing there. I was having crazy dreams and really emotional x

Im 3 cycles in now but each one has been a major disappointment. Yesterday i got af a day early and cried my eyes out. Today it still hurts but i feel better. I have two pregnant friends and when im around them i feel like i cant breathe it hurts so much. Like a physical pain in my chest but i now also have some days when i feel like i can relax a bit and just keep going with life. Ive wanted a baby for so long (im 30 dh 35) but we have only just finished doing the marriage / house / career things so be in a position to try

Oh EJ I feel for you it's so disappointing when you build up all month 😥 Fx for you. Xx

Thank you Kirsty for your good wishes, stay strong girl and take heart that we're all here together whenever you need a vent!! Absolutely nobody is going to think you're silly etc. Xx

Scottishlady you hit the nail on the head!! It's self preservation that has kicked in!! I was starting to think I didn't care anymore but that's not true, I guess I'm just trying to protect myself!! Xx

Thank you SO much for posting this! I just posted a separate post about something not being right before I saw this and I feel you may have answered it for me. I know it doesn't happen overnight but I think deep deep down I really thought/hoped it might! Perhaps this is the reason I am still so ready after getting AF X

Absolutely missklouise!! I was exactly the same when I came off the pill just thought it would happen straight away because well why wouldn't it??!! I've got 2 days til the witch is due this month and I've just convinced myself really that I'm gonna be out again. 😥 And it's worse being surrounded by pregnant women argh!!!!

Scottish - we are in same position as you, tests also came back with no issues. I'm finding it hard to just keep on going as such when it seems we're doing everything right and there isn't any reason as such why it's not happening. Lots of people saying to me about taking clomid but my periods are regular and I'm ovulating, according to clear blue tests that I've been doing. We're thinking of waiting till end of the year and then maybe going to speak to a fertility clinic in January if nothing has happened x

I'm sorry Chloe it sounds like we are very much in the same boat.

I'm cautious about saying that it might be easier if they had found something wrong as I totallly get that it would have come with its own set of worries, but we have no frame of reference for what happens next- it all seems open ended which is so unsatisfying!!

Oh well, I suppose that is the very nature of TTC...

We are due back to the fertility clinic in Jan and my DH is keen to discuss Clomid then. We have a friend who had success with this and he sees it (and IVF unfortunately) as the east options... I am trying to re-educate before January! I appear to ovulate regularly and I already have horrendous PMS without adding Clomid into the mix!

I am keeping my fingers crossed that my recent (normal) HSG will have cleared things out and left some prime lining for implantation!!

Here's to the power of a positive mental attitude!!!

Xx

Hi Scottish.. I totally get it. I have said several times to dh that it might have been easier if the tests we had did find something as you would then feel like it was a bit more in your control to do something about it but then I feel guilty for saying that as I've got friends who have got quite complicated issues and it's not any easier for them.

I've read online that you shouldn't take clomid if you have unexplained fertility issues? That's only what I've found on google though. I've had a lot of people say to me about ivf already as well but I feel a bit reluctant to just jump to that option? I kind of feel like I don't want to do that if we don't need to but then maybe we do need to, I don't know!

I felt really positive after last appointment with the consultant but as each month goes past I start to lose the faith a little bit but just got to pick yourself up and keep on at it! Xx

Another who has been trying for almost a year now. I do think it's the messages you get as a young woman that make you assume it will be quick. You spend years/decades being told it only takes one accident to have a baby and then you find out it's bloody difficult to conceive.

As for the nosy types I'm now at the stage of telling people actually we intended to have a child by now but it hasn't happened for us. As you're younger and early on in the process you might try 'did you intend ask about our sex life?'

Hi cat- yes it's a bit of a shock to the system after all those years of trying not to get pregnant to find out that it doesn't happen straight away isn't it. We had a mc straight away and then nothing since so I've tried to take that as a positive as it shows we can actually get pregnant but then as the time goes on you start thinking umm?! Our consultant said she doesn't need to do any tests on dh because of that but I'm starting to wonder?
Some people are so rude when asking about it, it doesn't help. I've also had people tell me about their baby news and say I know you'll probably want to punch me in the face... which made me feel ten times worse! And then people try to say the right thing such as make the most of married life etc and I'm lucky that we are really happy together but it doesn't change the fact that we both want it so much.
I think it's hard to adjust to it not having happened when you intended as you say. My best friend is due in Dec and we'd always had a 'baby pact' that we'd do it together and I can't help but feel gutted it hasn't happened that way as I want to be able to share it with her but I guess I'll have my own experience when the time is right.

Wow, loads happened while I was away!

Massive congrats holzyb20, great news and gives me hope. I would LOVE twins, they run in DH's family but the probability doesn't pass down to me as its only the maternal side. Lovely news.

mrsbarnett I'm hoping you get your BFP very soon.

EJ I feel your pain (although not the same as I've only just finished cycle one) but with the friends-with-babies thing. My closest friend here had her wee boy back in May and asked me to be Godmother. Wonderful and I love him to bits but I see them nearly every week and it breaks me each time.

missk it's good to know I'm not along but also makes me sad that other people feel as upset as me. Fx for you, and please keep me/us updated.

chloe and cat you have both absolutely hit the nail on the head with certain aspects of how I'm feeling!

Chloe in that it's a control issue - I run a small business and everything I do is very "controllable", from the work I choose to do to the amount I charge, and this feeling of zero control over whether AF will appear is new and unpleasant. Sending you good vibes.

Cat you also mentioned that fear when you're young that even one slip will get you pregnant, compounded by 2 of my friends conceiving while still on the pill, so I had an unrealistic view that if DH looked at me funny he would impregnate me(!)

kirsty - yes it's hard when you are used to being able to work hard at something and get results. Think this month we convinced ourselves we might be lucky as haven't drunk and given up social social smoking, only having one coffee a day etc (all the things I love ha ha) and trying to make sure we have as much sex as poss around the good time of the month but I guess it might take a few months of doing all those good things for it to have an impact. Hopefully it will happen soon!

Hi Kirsty!

I'm in the exact same position. We got married this summer and we're already ready. My husband wants to be a father probably more than I want a baby, so I think his expectations of conceiving immediately also put a lot of pressure on me - to perform - if you can call it that. We're in our first month of trying, and literally all our friends managed to get pregnant within 2 months of trying, so I'm coming into this with the idea that it will be extremely easy and doable as well.

Sad thing is when we started dating 3-4 years ago I accidentally fell pregnant the one time we had unprotected sex, but I had an abortion because I wasn't ready. Some days I fear that my body may try to punish me for that and make me wait for a long time this round.

Just the idea that it might take 6-12 months or longer is unbearable to me, so I'm definitely sympathetic to those who struggle, you're all so strong and amazing!

Good luck to you and I hope you manage to get the job done soon! Heres for a lucky November for everyone trying

(I live in Denmark by the way, hi neighbour!)

Lucky November!! I like that!!! 🍀 Discovered today that I'm out again for another month 😏 Oh well roll on November but I have to say you kinda get used to it as the months roll on, I don't think I'll actually believe it if / when it does actually happen!! Xx

Hi Kirsty I've been following your posts on other threads. Waves

I think it's normal to feel like you want things immediately. But getting into the right mind set is probably a great thing to do. With each AF brings a new opportunity for you to grow a baby. Unfortunately for me this is CD44 today on cycle 1 off my pill. We have been preparing for a few years, I came off my pill last summer for a little while but went back on it as something happened that meant we couldn't have a baby right then. I've been married for 8 years. We have been together for 13 years. I would love to be pregnant and start our family but I have to be realistic. It takes time. I'm prepared for a year.

IT took us 5 months at 35 years old.

I was onto snake oil remedies by then. I remember taking a particular kind of cough medicine that thinned mucus - the reasoning being if it loosened mucus in one spot it would in another. I can't say for certain it had any effect and I wasn't allowed to name the result corvonia!

I had another nightmare with buttercup syrup when breast feeding come to think of it.

Be kind to yourself.

Hi neighbour bluesdetoi! Wishing you luck too, please don't be hard on yourself for past choices; if you weren't ready then it was the right decision for you. Wishing a very lucky November to you too!

I'm sorry you're out again sarahboro1, I find a glass of wine or a chunk of chocolate is a good remedy until this week passes and you get another chance to start again. As per mouse's comment below, I have learned in the last few days that getting your AF is actually a great thing - a blank page to begin again and it means your body's doing what it should. I'm only on CD3 so we are almost in sync; let's keep our FX that we get lucky this cycle!

Hello there Mouse! Yes, I started this threat before finding Bassett's. The support on both has been lovely and your advice in particular about AF being a good thing has been a bit of a lightbulb moment. Thank you. It will be our time soon!

Marmite I've heard about the cough syrup! (Not tried it, but ask me again if I'm not pg in 4 months!)
I'm glad you're there now, 5 months sounds short but in that context I'm sure it felt like forever.

Thanks KirstyinNorway! How did you know I'm actually sat with a glass of prosecco and a bag of chocolate buttons!!!! Feeling positive about the next month, like you and mouse said it's an opportunity to try again!! I'm gonna try ovulation tests for the first time so fx!!! 😁 Xx