We have to wait...

[anonNorth85]

Hi, I've joined because I don't really know who to talk to.

On the outside I have everything. Great fiancé. Great job. Great house. Great family. But I'm so sad and I hate to say it out loud, in fact to even write it down, because it sounds so ungrateful (it's taken me 2 days to pluck up the courage to send this since writing it!) But what I want, what I really really want, Is a baby.

But we can't. Not yet anyway. We said we would wait for our wedding first. Which is booked for July next year. But it feels so far away. And when I do 'the baby maths' the timescales scare me. Just shy of a year to the wedding. Then a year to get pregnant (based on what I've read!) then 9 months whilst it's cooking! That's nearly 3 years! If we are even lucky enough to conceive ( there are reasons I might struggle and neither if us are in our twenties anymore!)

It was all fine. I was delighted last year when we got engaged but now I'm frustrated, it's like a switch has gone off in my head and I can't turn it off again. Of course in the meantime 2 friends have had babies and my sister has just announced she's due in April! Im happy but jealous too. Jealous because this pain is also my doing. Caused through my idealism about 'the order ' I should do things and now I'm trapped in my own plan. And gosh it almost hurts. It consumes me every day. (Example: i have a great career but recently I have to fight with myself to go to work, because all I can think is what's the point?)

I don't want to be ungrateful. I want to get married. I want to be an aunt. I want the life I have and the future we have planned. And this is why I can't talk to anyone about it. I have talked to my fiancé and he hears what I'm saying. But I don't think he gets the uncontrollable urge. And he thinks by August next year we'll be pregnant and that's it.

And no. We can't move the wedding date. Or at least not with out losing huge sums of money that we can't afford to replace later on.

So I'm here to ask did anyone else have something similar? And how did you manage to control the deep ache in your chest?

My advice would be to just focus on the wedding for now and all the planning. You don't know that it would take a year to get pregnant, even if you think you'll have issues with fertility. Its completely random and individual.

Why don't you start "trying" a few months before the wedding and then you're going to be a few months gone at most and not showing much? I know a lot of people who were at least a few weeks pregnant on their wedding day.

The worst thing you can do is panic and think you've left things too late. You most certainly haven't, so don't worry. Easier said than done I know but you have so much to look forward to!

I felt a bit like that! Met DH at 32, and we both wanted to buy a house and get married before starting a family. Even moving fairly fast, we were 35 when we got married and I was definitely fretting about how long it would take to get pregnant! Luckily DD was conceived almost as soon as we got back from honeymoon. And I'll never regret doing it the way we did - I loved our wedding being just about us, and it's reassuring to have a mortgage in place.

Agree with pp - you don't know what's going to happen so try and enjoy this time. I look back and wish I'd chilled out more because it was such a lovely time! Best thing you can do is keep healthy, and get mind and body into the best state they can be. You could always pay for a fertility check if you're really concerned?

Thanks so much for replying and for being so kind. I was expecting to be told to get a grip. I hear what you're saying about enjoying the wedding planning and maybe I'm not doing that as I want it out the way. But I also don't want to look back and wish I'd had more fun with it.

It's nice to hear others felt the same and it's worked out ok. Thanks. I'll re read them too when I've stopped crying x

It does sound like it's really affecting you, and you're in a dark place. Could I gently suggest maybe talking to someone about your feelings, perhaps some CBT counselling? I've had this before and it's very good.

If it really is distressing you to the point where you're just not enjoying your life, could you talk to your fiance and explain how you are feeling? I know sometimes men aren't great at taking it on board - my DH was just like 'what are you stressing for, it'll be fine, you're being daft!' But if you're not looking forward to your wedding, that's not a good sign. I know you say there'll be loss of money involved if it's cancelled, but is there anyway it could be brought forward? Or even postponed?

Finally, I look at people planning their weddings now, and I want to (and often do) say - enjoy it because once you do have a baby, life changes so completely that it can blindside you. My DD is now 16 months, and me and DH are only just picking up our relationship again. It's been amazing, but very difficult.

That's not me saying get a grip btw or dismissing your very real and valid feelings. Just something I wish I'd been able to say to myself whilst I was having these worries!

Take care

Hi. Thanks so much for that reply. I read it earlier and it really helped. Just knowing I'm not being totally crazy/ungrateful is enough, like I say I've noone to talk to about this so thanks.

I know that there is a lot to look forward to and enjoy, I understand that. I'll concentrate on each exciting event that is coming up and try to enjoy the moment.

I will talk to my fiancé too.

Thanks x

I don't think you sound crazy at all. When you talk to him about it are you actually opening up the plan for re-ordering? There's nothing really stopping you changing how you do things.

Somehow, your description of going to work really resonates, and I'd forgotten about that happening! I remember feeling like that too. It was so strange. Although different from you I didn't have wedding on the horizon but I did have that shift in thinking!

I don't think reorganising is really an option, I do want the wedding we have a planned and if we move it it will become something else. Truth is in my 'master plan' we would have got married the summer just gone so everything feels like a delay.

Job wise I'm probably struggling the most. I feel like I've given up trying. My company is going through some tough times and they might make redundancies. In another mindset I would go and get a promotion in the process. But I'm just hanging on hoping I can see it through. Only because I don't want to start over and lose out on the maternity rights I have! That's my only thought. I don't know if that's sensible or mad?!

Why don't you see it as starting on the 'baby plan' now? For example - I went through a similar thing, but was also consumed with doing everything in the right order - but it was recommended to me to start taking pregnacare conception, 6 months before TTC to ensure folic acid stores were up. So once I started these, the ball was rolling so to speak. If you start TTC a couple of months before the wedding, you would need to start the vitamin regimen in November.
There are other things like that you can do - make a list of things you want to achieve/complete before TTC, and feel like you are making progress towards the goal by crossing them off. It doesn't matter what's on the list (you could even include milestone things like 'becoming an aunt' and tick it off when your sister gives birth!), it just helps you see progress to your goal.
The time will really pass quickly - I promise. My very overly planned wait looked like a long time, but it really did pass quickly and I'm now 19 weeks pregnant (took us 2 months).

Also if it's bearable I would definitely stay in your current job to maintain maternity rights if this is what you really want.

I waited and it took a very long time after our wedding (hence my username). I would start now. You can always have a quick wedding sooner. Obviously as long as your fiancé is on board.

Completely with you on this. I was 38 when I met my DH. We got engaged within a year bought a house and married 6 months later. We both desperately wanted to start a family, but knew we wanted to get married beforehand. We decided to start trying straight away and I was pregnant within 2 months, but sadly lost the baby. Now 6 months later, I'm 4 months pregnant again. I'm 41.
We've been through so much soul searching and heartache as all we both want is a family, but it has been worth the wait and i'm definitely pleased we decided to get married first. Enjoy your wedding and enjoy your niece and I'm sure things will slot into place for you.

Totally understand your feelings! I have been desperate to ttc for 18 months but held off until we got married and now i'm so glad I did. Enjoy being engaged and having a glass of champagne on your wedding day! Enjoy not having nausea or feeling constrained by what you can eat and drink. Then get to it and dtd on honeymoon! I was married in July and ttc come September. Just on my first cycle now. Still absolutely desperate to have a baby but I'm glad I waited as it allowed me to enjoy our engagement and wedding day. I totally get what you mean about work too. I work in a high pressure job and at the moment I couldn't care less! But I guess some things are more important than a career to me atm. Don't stress, relax and let it happen. You never know you might be lucky first time around!

I found the waiting hard, we were not trying but not taking precautions either for quite a while and I felt a bit like I was in limbo. When DH proposed I had the venue booked in about 2 weeks and we were married about 9 months after the proposal! I moved quick! It felt really weird going back on contraception for a few months but I realised just after booking the venue that it was possible I'd find out I was pregnant that month and as I say the date was almost exactly 9 months away I wasn't that month thank god but we did resume trying before the wedding.

Now I'm glad I didn't conceive until after the wedding, I assumed I'd be fine in early pregnancy so other than not drinking it wouldn't affect the day if it happened... As it turned out for the first few months of pregnancy I felt crap and was throwing up so much the doctor put me on anti-emetics to stop me tearing my throat up and vomiting blood. Possibly not what you want on your wedding day!!!

So I get that waiting on something you so desperately want but can't put an exact timescale on is really surprisingly hard. But I think you are right to wait, focus on the wedding for now. I also found saving for the baby really helped, I think I turned into some sort of demented squirrel raiding any spare change in the house and hiding notes between the leaves of my favourite childhood book... I know it would have been more rational to just set up an account but something about actually having the money right there that I could touch made me feel like I had something real that I was doing towards the baby dream!

I also know what you mean about the 9 month wait even after you manage to conceive feeling like a very very long time. Well as soon as I knew I was pregnant the impatient bit of the broodiness just melted away and whilst yes I can't wait to meet my baby (or more to the point get the actually being pregnant bit over and done with) I don't feel like I did before I conceived, the almost desperate longing has gone now, possibly due to hormones?

I hope you have a lovely wedding and a honeymoon baby!

These messages have really made me smile for the first time in ages. I've also contacted a friend and asked her for a chat. She's in a different situation but I think we will understand one another.

I'm going to stop job hunting as thats a negative distraction and get my head into wedding planning. I like the idea of a baby savings account and also starting to work out vitamins etc too.

Thank you!

It took me one cycle to get pregnant with my first and 2 with my second. You might be lucky. You could even start ttc next May/June and no one will know you're pregnant at the wedding - gives you a head start!

I understand the feeling of being so broody it hurts. One thing to remember is that feeling comes and goes so in a couple of months time you might not feel the longing just as desperately as you do now. Christmas makes it harder.

Sites like mumsnet, whilst you are very welcome, aren't always the best idea before you start trying as you can get really sucked into the whole ttc thing and get a bit obsessed. Get yourself on a wedding forum and chat about the amazing wedding you are going to have

That's a good idea! And I truth is never been on here before and haven't looked at anything else for that purpose. I have enough baby stuff going on elsewhere!

I really appreciate the comments though. Oh and I talked to the fiancé too and agreed some timescales.

I'm sure alot of us can relate to how you are feeling, glad you're feeling a bit better about it after some the responses:). I have ached for a baby for years and years now but wanted to get a house and promotion etc first to be a bit more 'ready' but it honestly hurt thinking about babies and seeing pregnant women so know how you feel. Me and dp decided to go for it this year although we're not married yet and have put that on hold which works both ways as although I'm so happy to be having a baby sooner (I'm now pregnant) it would have been nice to have the wedding day and honeymoon we wanted which now won't happen with children, I'm also dreading all the comments about us not being married first even though it's 2016! Personally I wouldnt suggest being pregnant on your wedding day because you have no idea how ill you will be (I can't think of anything worse that going to a long wedding day right now, let alone my own). I feel bad complaining as it's all I've wanted for so long but I feel like complete shit and am sick all day long.

Like someone else suggested if you can afford it a fertility test may help to put your mind at rest too. Also, if you are on the pill or any birth control I would really strongly recommend coming off a few months before you start trying and track your cycles if you could use condoms or something else in the mean time? That'll also help you feel like you're getting the ball rolling and things should have settled down when you do start trying. Good luck to you!

I have sent you a PM :)

Life has a very strange way of working out. I've had terrible tragedies in my life and if I could say anything to my younger self it would be 'enjoy the moment'. Don't wait for the 'when this happens I shall be happy'. That doesn't mean sit back, be lazy. But enjoy each stage. Enjoy the things you have control over, and make those work for you. The rest is out of your hand. You have control over your wedding date so move it if that will make it better. So you may lose a bit of money - make the wedding day different to how you planned.

Hi OP this has really struck a chord with me. I thought I didn't want a baby until September 2015 when it was like a switch was flicked in my brain and then it was all I could think about. I became completely obsessed over night and tortured my poor DP, who really wasn't ready. We started to ttc last January, I got pregnant in February and then had an early miscarriage/chemical pregnancy at 5 weeks. We had got engaged only a couple of weeks before. After the MC we decided to get married soon and just wait until after the wedding, so got married in September. Now waiting until January again so will be a full year later!
Anyway, what I wanted to say was that my feelings of broodiness haven't been at all constant during this time. As your wedding approaches there will be lots to do and think about. After new year it will be almost time! For the sake of a few months I would recommend you wait until after - would be so sad if you were feeling unwell on the day. I honestly had the best day of my life on mine and so happy I could enjoy it fully. I completely sympathise though - even waiting until jan now feels like an age to me!

I'm sorry to hear what happened this year, but congrats on your wedding.

What I am realising is that there are a lot of women who feel like I do. Or have something going on. It doesnt make my thoughts less or more important. But perhaps easier to talk about? Certainly this week talking has made a massive change.

More telling was this morning when there was an advert or something on tv and my fiancé said "gosh there are babies everywhere. Don't worry it will be our turn soon". So if he is noticing I feel a lot calmer about it all.

anonNorth85 thank you for having the courage to write this post, I can totally relate to this. Took the plunge and came off the pill Dec 15 to casually start trying, then dp proposed on christmas day and we booked our wedding for Jun 17 abroad. I've had a pretty rubbish time coming off the pill......super long irregular cycles and so we have now had to stop 'trying' as the dates wouldnt work especially for a wedding abroad! One of my best friends has just had a baby and two of the wedding party are no longer coming as they are now pregnant! Feel like im being left behind and in this weird window where we cant do anything.....being left out of this baby boom.

But i am just trying to focus on the fact that in reality its only a few months....and that planning a wedding can be exciting!!! It will hopefully be a very special time for the two of us and our families and we should savour it and foucs on the postitives in our lives at the moment.

Heres hoping that my cycles will sort themselves out and that there will be a little baby in our future xx

The feeling never really goes away but you can refocus. Have your wedding. The perfect day and ENJOY the buildup. It's such a special time that I loved it being just me and DH. I have been married 8 years. We've wanted children since the very beginning 13 years ago but we've not been in the right situation. While I'm probably aching to be a mum and for my DH to be the most amazing daddy I know he will be I wouldn't swap that for the amazing times we've had as husband and wife. We've had wonderful holidays, have amazing stories to tell and have learnt so much about one another. Please, please don't put times on things, enjoy life, what will be will be.

My wedding is next June and OH and I have been trying to conceive for 15 months now (just begun fertility testing).

We originally planned to have a child and then get married - don't ask, we have our reasons I promise. Weve been together 9 years and we both wanted it.

As times gone on, we've accepted that it's going to take us longer than most couples so decided to book in our wedding. I am quite happy to be heavily pregnant during the wedding if that's what it takes, it doesn't bother me - it's a really casual, non religious ceremony anyway.

So, I get how you feel OP. If you don't mind being pregnant for your wedding, go for it. Try and work out your cycle length first, your rough ovulation day etc then you can plan it so that at least you won't be due on or around your wedding date. And talk to your OH to see what he wants to do, it has to be a joint decision. And remember you may not be able to have a honeymoon if you do get pregnant so you need to factor that in too.