ladybump/wright needs SOL,wheelybug, MRSMc et al for advice

[anewme]

This isn't strictly about ttc but more about relationships. ladies need your wisdom.
You know all what happened to me last year. Let me give you some context. Got married in April after 6 years with my DH. Always out having fun etc. Match made in heaven. everyone said it. Hiowever, like all men, he has his flaws. Except i think his is big.He doesn't talk, he buries his head in the sand and ignores his problems in the hope they'll go away.

Now his own family is big mess. Dad had multiples affairs mum was devastated & suicidal. DH cut dad off completely. Dad now back with mum all is well in their relationship. Sadly, DH won't go to family house to see mum as dad is always there. So in reality he sees none of his family. They never come to our house or make an effort which angers me, however i have said nothing. I've told him he needs to try to get to a place where he can go and see his mum and be civil to dad. He agrees but is scared as it has been a long time and his dad can be very intimidating. It has just become such a big issue. His mum also wants this too but she cannot tried endlessly but cannot make the dad come to our house as he has refused.Which makes my DH feel like he doesn't care. keeping up ladies?
Now after the M/c i've struggled. But i have talked my way through it with you, councellor friends and family. All the While DH is saying he is fine and talking to no-one.
Last weekend he goes on stag do to Tenerife. He came back and was very distant. Now, rein in your minds ladies. My DH would not play away. I KNOW this. He really hasn't got it in him. However, he's gone away with 18 lads, having known only 3 of them and had the time of his life. He has left his troubles behind and it was like he was 18 again.
When i confronted him about his distance from me and refused to accept the standard 'i'm fine' response from him he announced he was not happy.When i probed with what? he said it was us and that he wanted the old us back. Then, he got very upset about his family situation and said that he was very confused. He said he feels he has got no-one to talk to. He was so upset i was taken aback but we talked for hours and hours which is a first.
then Monday morning came, he went back to work and now there is just this huge cloud, he is stil saying he is upset, unhappy and confused which I am now too.
So, i rung his mum and told her all and she's speaking to him tomorrow and he's going out with one of our mutual friends tonight to see if he'll talk to him

In the meantime what do I do? i am now thinking has my struggling with m/c changed our relationship or my obsession with ttc perhaps? Also as I dropped him off at airport last week, I was late for my AF. I told him this and then when he rung me from Spain, I told him af had arrived. Do you think he may be feeling that disappointment and pressure too? We have been trying now since April for a sucessful pg? All around us our friends are getting pg at the drop of a hat! Plus my 'would have been due date is looming' too. Have i been so self-pitying that i've excluded him?

I think it could be a combination of all of these things catching up with him but at the back of my mind i am thinking is he just fed up with me? or what the hell is going on.
I don't know whether to stay, go move into spare room or what.
I asked him if he wanted me to go and he said no, 'please don't walk out on me'. but how long have i got to live in this unknown? he keeps kissing and hugging me telling me he doesn't want to hurt me....

What does all this mean? Who's stupid idea was it to get married????? Oh yeah, he also said he wants to stop ttc as it wouldn't be fair on anyone at this time of uncertainty if i was to fall pg.Can you imagine how gutted i was when he said that?

There is two schools of thought in my head
A. he is trying to escape
B. him not dealing with things in his life has finally caught up with him and it;'s me, the closest to him who gets the back-lash

It's his birthday tomorrow so i can't be too horrible to him. But i am going from sympathetic to angry.

So come on my cyber counselling team, Sort me out.I want honest opinions. I have the skin of a rhino lately (through necessity) and i can take it.

Sorry for any mistakes in spelling etc. Am on a roll.

ps

i am the stresshead formerly known as ladybump/wrighty for those of you struggling with my multiple identities!!!!

bumping this for you
xx

Hey there lady.

I can't be long as I am at work but wanted to acknowledge you there.

Firstly and I know it's easier said than done, try not to panic. I certainly don't think he is trying to get away from you or your marriage. I would take great heart from the fact that he has admitted his feelings to you and who wouldn't be confused and unhappy given his family circumstances?

A good friend of mine (and a professor of psychology) once said to me that when a man decides to have a baby, his experience of fatherhood in the past becomes very important and greatly affects his approach to and opinion of this decision. If a man feels let down by his own father and has not had a positive role model, he can become confused, defensive and angry about his own abilities to parent. Throw into the mix the fact that he too has lost a much loved child when you miscarried and of course he is questioning things around him. You (and many other couples) have learnt the hard way that the romantic ideal of getting married, having a baby and playing happy families just doesn't work like that. Getting and staying pregnant is hard and the happy family you intended to introduce a baby to is often fraught with difficulties. Your DH has been away on holiday and has remembered how simple it all once was. He loved you, you loved him, you had a good time. No miscarriages, no distraught wife (and it must hurt him incredibly to see how you've suffered), no expectation to get somebody pregnant. He's not saying he doesn't want you or the future you planned, what he doesn't want is all the bad stuff that seems to have turned up along the way.

You are right, he needs to talk and I think to somebody impartial because you are too involved. Would you consider Relate (not just for couples who think they are splitting up)? He needs help with some strategies of how to see his Mum and at least be civil to his Dad and he needs to understand what it is he is going through.

I really have to get back to work, but wanted to quickly acknowledge your post and tell you that I don't think you have to worry. Be proud that your DH can be honest with you and accept that he does love you and doesn't want to split up. Then you can start looking at ways and means of improving things.

And as far as putting ttc on hold goes, I know what a tremendous blow that must feel like, but please consider it. You and DH will both be having the baby I know you will one day conceive and it is your strong, solid relationship which will give that baby its happy secure start in life. I think it's worth investing that little bit of time now to ensure that happens.

Much love and a big ((((((((((hug)))))))) to you.

SOH

Hi anewme - I am a bit of a newbie - so not one of the experienced/trusted mners but having read your thread I thought I can totaly emapathise with your realtionship/DH issues.

My DH and I got married in 05 after being together for 10 years, we began TTC Apr 06 and my DH to is one to stick his head in the sand and refuses to talk about many things (although he is certainly not the silent type - only when it comes to his family and emotions - of course - grrr!). He has huge issues with his family - barely even speaks to them and I have to drag info/childhood experiences etc out of him (I only found out he had a half brother after 8 years together!)

The more I push him the more he clams up and eventually lashes out at me - I find it so hard as my childhood and family are an open book.

Don't get me wrong - he is totally supportive very loving and def my best friend, but it is like there is this huge part of him that he won't let me share - after 12 years and now being married it is kind of hard.

All I can say that really helps me is that I have learned to stay calm in all discussions esp about TTC (most of the time anyway!) If I attack him in any way he just gets totally defensive and it goes nowhere. My Dad gave me great advice about discussions and negotiations and it works in most scenarios - I never accuse him of doing/feeling something - I only tell him (calmly!) how HIS actions make ME feel.

From what you have said it sounds to me like your DH really has bottled up all these feelings about the m/c and family issues and can't let them out. I am sure the weekend reminded him of a time before these big issues (the way you were when you had fewer responsibilities etc) - but hey thats life - he can run and hide all he wants but the issues will not go away.

It seems a little like he is pushing you away - but I think this could be more of bluff than how he is actually feeling. I know with my DH after 12+ years together - there is no way he is pushing me away without a fight!! It usually helps my situation when I try to make him feel that we are a team, a family - we are our own family (trying to expand, but even just as a couple we are a family) I know you also need support - but we women are so much more able to ask and find it than most men. I think saying he wants to stop TTC is a bit self-pitying and more about protecting himself from the disappointment.

I would sugest maybe being really loving and non judgemental to him (even tho I know you might not feel like it) You could try taking that first big step over that chasm that has opened up between you by saying how much you love him, how much he means to you and how happy you are that he is our DH.

I may be totally of course but in my exp sometimes being the bigger person and the positive one takes a bit of self esteem on your part and a lot of unconditional love but it can be worth it?

Sorry if this is all total blabber and no help

Hi anewme !

Sorry things are still stressful.

don't know if I'll really be much help but here's a few thoughts from what you've said.

As you said, before you got married and started ttc you were out all the time, life was fun etc. Then you started ttc (don't think it has anything to do with getting married, just the fact these two things coincided) and that has been stressful what with the m/c and then not conceiving again yet. Obviously a m/c is stressful enough but then the not conceiving quickly adds a lot of pressure. I don't think most dh/p's see the stress in ttc quite as much as we do - my dh is a pretty intelligent man but I think still doesn't quite get the whole needing to do it at the right time of the month or understand why its quite so stressful when we don't even though he desperately wants this too. I think too that as its your first one he may be associating the stress of ttc/mc with getting married/having children so is probably a bit scared. In my situation, we had firstly been married a few years before ttc and then we have dd so our m/c & ttc stress doesn't have the same conotations and as we already have dd our life has already changed.

Also, I guess dh's don't get much time to grieve when a m/c happens as they tend to be supporting us and worrying about us as we are going through the physical side of things and I think generally get more support from others. Perhaps he has some delayed grieving for what could ahve been.

I guess what I'm trying to say, and not very well (I'm sort of thinking as i'm typing) is that perhaps your dh is thinking - if we weren't ttc things would be back to pre-marriage, ttc and everything would be hunkydory. Unforetunately, I suspect that wouldnt' be the case because then you'd be upset at having a break from ttc.

Now added to that he has family problems so another stress and sounds like it is all getting on top of him.

He obviously doesn't want you and him to end and I expect wants all the same things you want but without the stress (ha ha like any of us want the stress).

Do you think there is any way you could have a break from ttc even for 1 or 2 months ? I knwo I would find it virtually impossible (you should have seen the stress that came from dh working 20 hours a day for most of december and therefore not being in the right place at the right time or dh suggesting he didn't want a december baby...) but maybe if you said you were prepared to do this if he was prepared to work through his isshooos you might be able to sort things out and reach an understanding and start again !?

I expect that hasn't helped but hope things sort out - As you say its coming up to a v. stressful time with due date approaching (and I was certain I would be pg by the time it did and its looking less and less likely that I will be which is pretty depressing isn't it ?).

bumping you again, with a huge ((((hug))))
xx

Oh Wrighty, I've only just seen this as I was at a conference on Friday and away for the weekend. I really feel for you, it's pretty scary how much change there is after getting married and jumping on the TTC rollercoaster and it sounds like your DH isn't coping very well with the pressure which in turn is so hard on you. It sounds like lame advice but try and be really kind to him, he is after all, the most important person in your world and he really needs you at the moment whether he recognises that or not. Always here to listen but don't know how much help I can be. Sending you hugs hon. x