I can't seem to move on

[beansbananas]

I lost my baby at 16 weeks in May after being told my baby had downs. I know not everyone will agree with this but my husband and I decided to terminate the pregnancy. It was very traumatic and hugely upsetting and I think the most difficult thing I have experienced. Two months later I felt like I was starting to heal... My period returned, I felt happier, work was going well... So my husband and I decided to try again. The problem is I didn't get pregnant this month and now I feel this huge resurgence of grief and feel so sad about my first loss that I'm always on the verge of tears. It's been a hard year with deaths in the family which have been equally traumatic, and so I know this is a culmination of emotions. But I'm so frightened it will happen again, or something else will go wrong, or I won't be able to conceive at all. I have polycystic ovaries so was surprised I conceived so quickly last time. I didn't get pregnant this month and the objective part of me says it's not surprising, the emotional side feels despair. Im 33 and all my plans are going wrong and life is short and passing me by. But mainly I hate that I'm becoming bitter and jealous of my friends and their healthy pregnancies. I hate myself for feeling upset when they awkwardly tell me their good news. I am outwardly happy but it takes such effort not to cry and make it about poor little me. I'm always ok a few days later but my husband pointed out that I then obsess over their pregnancies and talk about them all the time. What's wrong with me? Why can't i be happy and move on?

Hi Beans,

It's very early days and you've been through a huge life trauma.

My friend went through the same as you with a Downs pg and my sister also terminated for medical reasons.

Both went on to have healthy children in their late 30s. My sister still struggles but she wouldn't have her 2 boys if she'd continued with her first pregnancy.

In time, it will be the same for you.

You fell pg easily but you were one of the unlucky few. You will fall pg again and this time it will be a healthy pg.

It's just painful waiting and each time AF comes, the grief returns.

If you give yourself 6 months perhaps then you might be able to manage your expectations better and give you time to heal emotionally.

Can you ask for any counselling through your GP?

I find exercise helps my depression.

I'm also seeing a Chinese herbalist and I do hypnotherapy at home to help me stay positive.

Time will heal and you will get where you want to be. Have faith and look after yourself.

I'm so sorry. I had a similar experience, terminated at 16 weeks due to Downs and was then quite obsessed with becoming pregnant again.

I know some people prefer to wait but I was desperate to be expecting again.

I was fortunate to conceive 4 months later so I was pregnant by the time my first due date arrived.

I'm so lucky to have had 2 babies since the termination.

It's so hard and I really sympathise, no advice except to say I was the same. I really hope it happens soon for you. It's a hard hand to have been dealt.

The subsequent babies have helped heal the wounds for me but it was so so hard just afterwards.

Ali xx