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Conception

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Original poster

Would you be upset if your (adult) DD didn't tell you she was pg?

50 replies

LemonShizzleCake · 18/03/2016 22:22

Quick question for mums of daughters, hope this is a good/relevant section to post...

I have just (today!) found out I am about 4 weeks pg. Obv extremely early days and I am not counting any chickens just yet, just in case. But we are starting to think about when to tell parents and siblings, as I always imagined I would tell them v early on (as would want their support if God forbid anything went wrong). DH doesn't want to tell ANYONE until at least 12weeks, as he wants to be able to make a nice happy announcement and celebrate once we are further along, rather than tell a couple of people quietly and (I think in his eyes) "spoil" a big reveal moment later on. It's possibly relevant that our engagement announcement didn't go entirely according to plan so I think he wants to make up for it.

However, I think that if I were in my DM's shoes, particularly, I might feel quite hurt that my DD didn't feel she could tell me straight away (but if we tell DM, we have to tell DDad, etc etc).

So my question is, if you are a DM yourself, would you feel hurt that you only found out about your DD's pregnancy at 12 weeks? Or am I being oversensitive and overthinking this? I know it's ultimately mine & DH's decision, just want to minimise upset.

Any insight appreciated. Thanks in advance

OP posts:

VoldysGoneMouldy · 18/03/2016 23:01

I can't imagine not telling my mum.

And I'd tell DH to sod off if he tried to tell me otherwise.

Might be 'our' pregnancy, but it's 'my' body.

Congratulations.

FlyRussianUnicorn · 18/03/2016 23:02

And surely she can still support you if anything, god forbid, happens. You can just explain you thought it best not to tell her until you were sure all was OK.

NameChange30 · 18/03/2016 23:06

Your DH is being unreasonable. Why should his desire for a big announcement at 12 weeks trump your desire to tell your parents earlier? People don't always react the way you want or expect them to (we found that with our engagement announcement) and that won't change however you announce it. Talk to DH about why this big announcement is so important to him and explain how important it is to you to have the support of your parents during your first trimester (which is a time when many women want and/or need support) and see where you get to.

NameChange30 · 18/03/2016 23:08

Oh and I'm with Voldys: during pregnancy and childbirth, it's our baby, my body. Joint decisions where possible but if we disagree, I get the final word.

magpie17 · 18/03/2016 23:10

My DS is 8 months old and I still haven't told my mum... Long story.

We told MIL at 9 weeks though, would have waited til 12 but not drinking became obvious! She wouldn't have minded us waiting at all and was surprised we told so early.

Pannacott · 18/03/2016 23:25

It would be entirely up to my adult daughter. Not her husband

Why does he get to ban you? Why not vice versa? It's your body, you want your Mum's support, I presume she can be discreet.

Loki17 · 19/03/2016 22:45

I told my parents and ils at 4 weeks with my first. It was lovely. With my 2nd, we didn't tell them as I didn't want anyone letting slip to dd (aged 4.5) before the 12 week scan. Plus I wanted dd to be first to know. I miscarried at 13 weeks, found out at the scan. Having to tell them that I was pregnant, but the baby had died was horrendous. If they were upset that I didn't tell them they didn't say, although my mum was so shocked when we told her that she feels that she didn't handle it well (I don't feel that way, she was great). When I get (hopefully) pregnant again, I don't know what I will do. I can't stand the thought of them telling me not to worry or that it will be fine. That won't help my anxiety. I am proud of how we protected dd (she doesn't know I was ever pg) so I'd want to protect her again. However, I think my mum would be upset. I might tell them after an early scan at 8 weeks. I've been in both positions, there is no right way. If you want to tell your parents then do so. With my first my dh didn't want to tell anyone but I just told him I was telling my parents and he could decide with his. Good luck

SunsetSinger · 20/03/2016 10:01

Yes I would be hurt. Also for me the first trimester was pretty hard with exhaustion, nausea etc and I wanted my mum's advice and support. DH said if we were telling my parents he wanted to tell his side too - fine. So we told both sets of parents very early.

YOU are the one who is pregnant so your needs and desires trump his

chelle792 · 20/03/2016 10:08

I didn't keep my pregnancy a secret. Interestingly, the only person I regret telling is my Mum. I told her about a week after I'd found out and she was really negative and worried about miscarriage although she was happy i was pregnant

She constantly talked about miscarriage until I got to about 10 weeks. I then miscarried at 11.5 weeks.

Everyone else was amazing

Original poster

LemonShizzleCake · 20/03/2016 11:25

Thanks everyone for your input, and sorry to hear about some negative experiences - still, good to see things from all sides.

Had another discussion with DH, he hadn't considered (and in fact I hadn't articulated) the fact that I would want/need someone other than him to talk to in the first trimester, even if everything goes exactly to plan. I am over the moon to be pg (it's a planned pregnancy and will be a very wanted and loved baby) but we have managed to conceive on our very first month of trying, despite thinking it would take ages as I have some issues with ovulation. So I am a bit and it's taking time to sink in.

I got quite upset bawled my eyes out when we talked and I was able to more fully explain the reasons for wanting to tell a couple of people, and he was utterly mortified and completely apologetic and conciliatory - it's only been a couple of days since we got the BFP and I don't think either of us fully appreciate the impact this is having/will have on us both. My DH is a total sweetheart - we are lucky enough to have a great relationship and he is not at all controlling or deliberately mean, but this is a totally alien situation to us both and we're just trying to feel our way forward as best we can.

We've agreed that we will tell my mum and a couple of close friends in the next couple of weeks, but swear them to secrecy. He doesn't want to tell his side of the family or our other friends/family until 12 weeks, and that's fine by me.

Thanks again for all the responses, glad we have sorted it out and can move forward. I'm sure I'll be back to ask all you lovely MNers further advice about all sorts of other pregnancy-related stuff!

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 20/03/2016 11:32

"I was able to more fully explain the reasons for wanting to tell a couple of people, and he was utterly mortified and completely apologetic and conciliatory"

Oh thank goodness for that! I'm so glad you talked properly and he reacted exactly as he should have done, IMO. It sounds like you've reached a good compromise. Enjoy telling your mum the good news! Wishing you a happy and healthy pregnancy

Original poster

LemonShizzleCake · 20/03/2016 11:34

Thanks Emma

OP posts:

OTheHugeManatee · 20/03/2016 11:37

We told our mums quite early in this pregnancy, but no-one else till after 12wks. We had a pregnancy last year that ended in mc and had told everyone earlier. In hindsight I was glad DM and MIL knew as they were very supportive during the MC but there were some awkward conversations with other people. So this time my rule of thumb was to tell people if I knew I could count on their support if I MC'd again (or just to talk me down if I was fretting badly) but otherwise keeping quiet.

TBH I think it's you carrying the baby so you get the casting vote on this. Your mum's feelings come second to that, and I think your DP's feelings do too.

OTheHugeManatee · 20/03/2016 11:38

Oh! Cross posted. Glad to hear you've discussed and sorted it

notonyurjellybellynelly · 20/03/2016 12:11

None of my lot would be able to pull that off. It would be impossible to keep it from any of the family because we see each other almost daily, or at least a couple of times a week. Its just the way we are. With my first grandchild I suggested to my daughter she could be pregnant, and she was, but she'd not yet missed her period. Then with her third baby we went to her house for breakfast one weekend and my husband took one look at her and said - are you having another baby. She laughed and said her DH had just nipped out to the pharmacy of a pregnancy test - so she called him and said no need my parents are here and they've just asked, so I must be. Again she hadn't even missed her period.

My son called and told me him and his wife were going to be parents within minutes of finding out, but even so it was a few minutes after my adored DIL told her parents - she was going to be a mummy and it was right they knew first. So again, at about 4 weeks.

My other son - we were all told at a family lunch a few days after they found out at about 4 weeks.

My youngest girl is married and has no plans to have a baby just yet but I know that when she does we'll all be aware very early on because it just wouldn't to go un-noticed.

Junosmum · 20/03/2016 12:11

I think it's a very personal decision who you tell and when and to be hurt would be selfish, when it isn't about me.

Pannacott · 20/03/2016 15:59

Ah really pleased you talked it through and were able to explain how you felt, and that he was sensitive and respectful

Goingtobeawesome · 20/03/2016 16:08

We decided to tell no one until the first scan. Then were told we were going to miscarry and sent for a scan at eight weeks. We decided to tell PIL and my grandmother that day so that if things did go wrong they would have at least had the enjoyment of a baby coming before the sadness. Can't remember what I did with the subsequent pregnancies (not all ended well).

PeppasNanna · 20/03/2016 16:16

My mum & family treated me so poorly when i experienced a MMC that when i became pregnant a few months later, told noone other than dp i was pregnant.

I told a few people at 16 weeks. Went public at 20 weeks.

Ecvery situation is different & its ultimately each to their own!

bibbitybobbityyhat · 20/03/2016 16:23

First time I told my mum quite early on, with the caveat that I would need a few tests at the epu. Predictably (I see now, looking back) she had a massive mental health crisis about a week later and so once again I became the one she was phoning in tears and expecting me to sort out her problems. She has a very narcisstic personality. It didn't appear to concern her, the amount of stress she was causing me in my delicate condition

Second time I left it til well after 12 weeks. Told many others before I told her.

MrsJoJo · 20/03/2016 19:41

Was staying with my parents when I found out I was expecting my son. OH and I were living abroad and I had returned to freelance in the UK for extra pennies, we conceived the last night we'd been together before my trip. Was 5 1/2 weeks gone and had a healthy pregnancy - I stayed in UK for first trimester and returned to my home after my first scan... Wasn't happy my in laws were told at the same time as I was worried about miscarriage. Now older, wiser and with a very different partner I'm not sure what I'll do. My SIL has had a still birth at term and a late miscarriage after telling close family so my parents know how things don't go to plan - they were devestated both times.

magnificatAnimaMea · 21/03/2016 02:49

Having someone to talk to who's been through it all does help. So it's good that you were able to resolve it with your DH, and tell the people you wanted to tell.

I talk to a good friend of mine who has had her baby after 7 previous miscarriages, but knowing how utterly unempathetic, unsympathetic, rude and insensitive my family is, I won't be telling them until at least 30 weeks. Possibly not until after the baby's arrived (if it arrives - this is pregnancy #8 for me - and i haven't told my family about any of the previous ones).

I do very much envy people who have families where you actively want to tell your Mum anything.

Haffdonga · 21/03/2016 09:34

Glad you got it sorted. Your dh sounds like a good'un.

HippyPottyMouth · 21/03/2016 09:50

My DSis tells everyone as soon as she's late, and really valued the support of friends and family when she lost her first baby. We went the other way and didn't tell until after the scan. MIL had lots of other worrying things to deal with at the time, and we wanted to do our best not to add to that, so we agreed not to tell my mum either. They were both delighted when we told them and haven't ever said if they were disappointed not to know sooner. We did tell some friends, one because I had to drop out of an activity we'd planned and the other because I needed someone to talk to and she was pg at the same time.

Talcott2007 · 21/03/2016 10:25

I had to tell me DM as soon as I found out I was PG - well DP and I took the weekend to process it just the 2 of us but I just needed her support especially because it was a 'surprise' and I was a bit overwhelmed - to me it doesn't really count as telling people - I guess it depends on the relationship you have with your DM. Mine would have completely understood if I had kept it a 'secret' until 12weeks and wouldn't have been upset at all. Other than my DM we didn't tell anyone else until 12 weeks. (apart from DP's best friend who happened to be staying with us a few weeks after finding out - but that was more of a practicality as I had awful morning sickness but he was so worried about my alleged stomach bug he wanted to take me to hospital!)

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