Not sure where exactly to post so I have started a new thread.
I'm very fortunate to have 2 dd's Also had a late miscarriage last feb at 20 weeks and lost ds. Devastated doesn't even come close to describing how I feel. Have been ttc for nearly a year and all the stats are stacked against me - low ovarian reserve, nearly 42 and I think given my high fsh, low amh egg quality is probably rubbish. I take supplements etc. but really I know that the chances of any more dc's is highly unlikely. Yet that doesn't stop me hoping, symptom checking etc. if my eggs are no longer viable I wish I could just enter menopause and close a chapter, living with slim hope is awful. Pmt is awful too and lowers my mood and aggravates the grief I feel over my loss. I was prescribed some Ad's recently by GP but not taking them 'just in case' any remaining fertility is compromised, it's crazy and desperate and I don't have anyone to talk to about this. One friend has entered the menopause others husband/partners have had a vasectomy! They both have two children each, why can't I be content with my lot. One neighbour says vehemently that she will not have any more than one child (late 30's) and I think she is making a terrible mistake) and some of my daughters friends are only children, they are getting on with things. This is like an obsession, infertility is like an obsession, probably aggravated by my loss.
I was one of three children and due to my parents own inabilities did not receive much attention. I grew up believing I only wanted one child so as not to repeat this (also suffered emotional and borderline physical abuse). Then at age 39 I gave birth to dd2 miracle baby given my diagnosis of low ovarian reserve a really longed for baby. Pregnancy 3 (my loss) was a complete and utter surprise and things just didn't feel right. Finally I feel ready to parent well, ironically it seems my body is churning out crappy eggs. I wish I knew then what I know now, (not to have babies late in case of fertility issues early menopause etc). I am left with a lot of regret. Dd1 says she doesn't want any more siblings as she has had to share attention with dd2 (whom she adores). I try to hold on to this to pull me through. It's hard work though trying to keep afloat, counting the number of children people have. I live in a village where there are several large families, I would have liked that but then again I would probably have struggled to cope, I have nothing in the way of support. I am estranged from my own mother and father (who are separated). Can't quite work out how to move on. I'm still taking dd 2 who is 2.5 to toddler groups I don't suppose this helps. Can anyone relate to any of this? It's good to clear my head this way.