What would your life have been like if you had conceived in your 20s?

[shopaholic85]

This is for all the women, like me, in their 30s who are TTC #1. I am really sorry if this kind of post is painful for anyone.

In the darkest moments after my mc 6 weeks ago, I really hated myself for putting my career first and not ttc in my 20s. I met my DH when I was 25 and we could easily have had children pretty soon after, but it was my choice not to and he never pushed it. I was naive and never listened when people told me not to wait too long, that it got harder as you got older and just ignored my biological clock ticking away.

But now I am feeling stronger, I am starting to realise that having children in my 20s would have been a disaster. I don't think our marriage would have survived it. Looking back, I was quite immature then and the added stress of having a child would have made me more so. I would have been side-lined in my job and would be in the same entry-level position I was in when I started. I wouldn't have the money to buy a bigger house, like we are doing now. I wouldn't have been able to travel and widen my horizons. At the risk of sounding cliched, I feel like I really know who I am now and what kind of mother I want to be. I just wish my body had reached it's peak at the same time as my mind!

How would your life have been different if you had conceived in your 20s?

Oh London we should swap places. I'm 36 and one of the old mums, most mid 20s!

I didn't graduate until I was 26 (spent 7 years at uni) so having children earlier wasn't really an option. But if I wasn't doing the career I am now I would have liked children in my 20's. We've just started TTC now and I'm 31. But I didn't meet my OH until I was 27 and I'm glad we've had time to get to know each other before starting a family.

If only we could pause our fertility eh?

I'm 39 now and had my first at 24 and second at 30. The upside is we have the early childhood years out of the way and have more freedom to go out and do things now than people my age who have just started to have kids. Downside is I don't have a career as such (not sure if this has anything to do with the children though) and it was very isolating in the early years - having DD in my mid twenties was seen by others as practically being a teen mum. Financially I think it made us more responsible and now we're mortgage free.

Totally agree mini shimmy us too, we bought property mid 20s, got a car, had to have proper savings / future plans while our friends spent money traveling / celebrations etc

We've got a lot in pensions and really good employment insurance policies etc that have been well worth the investment that are no longer available

I had DS1 in my 20's and had to go back to work when he was 12 weeks old (on my 25th birthday, I sobbed all day!). We were young and naive which made things easier because I just accepted everything and didn't question much but because I didn't have money in the bank or a house (until I was 8 months pregnant, FFS!) I missed his entire first two years working like a bastard to cover bills and mortgage payments. I really REALLY regret that. There were nursery workers who knew his routine and what he liked to eat more better than me. Third child in my 30's when we were more secure and I had all the time in the world to enjoy him being small was amazing. Obviously I wouldn't change a thing because I love my children and the fact that they will be leaving home soon whilst I am relatively young but there are pluses to waiting.

We started to TTC when I was 26. I had three miscarriages before we conceived DD who was born when I was 27. In the area we live, I was considered 'older' by the doctors. And my consultant was concerned about the recurrent miscarriages because of my relatively young age.

My career has suffered for it, in as much as I'm fairly sure I missed a promotion due to maternity leave. However my pay hasn't, so it's swings and roundabouts - I actually don't have as much stress and am more flexible because of it.

We were able to buy our own property (outer London), and live a good lifestyle; pension pots and insurances all up to date. I've just gone on maternity leave with no. 2 (I'm 30, about to turn 31) and am not sure if I'm going back afterwards, because I'm in the lucky position to have that choice.

I think there are advantages and disadvantages to both sides, and you have to be planners to make it work earlier on (and have a good dollop of luck) if you don't want it to have a significant adverse effect longer term. My DM had me at 37 and my DSis at 41, and we had a fab upbringing. Unfortunately she died when I was 29, which is the potential down side. I am glad she met DD before she died.

First of all so sorry to hear about your mc. My heart goes out to you.

I am 38 and never really wanted children until last year. I was OK with the prospect of being childfree forever, and still am, but last year decided that if I could, I'd like to become a mum. I always had other things I wanted to achieve, and I felt having a baby would stop me doing those. I wouldn't want to have a baby and have that nagging feeling about what I could have done with my life if only if wasn't for the kid holding me back.

Now I have a husband I love, a career I love, a Doctorate and a whole bank of brilliant life experiences to cherish including travel. I am ready for a family now, in a way I wasn't a year ago. I hope I will be a much better mother because now I actually want that more than anything else. I can throw myself into it with no regret or resentment at what I'm missing in order to be a mum. And I feel secure enough financially and professionally that I can choose whether and when to go back to work.

My husband often says he wishes I'd have felt ready sooner. He is worried about all sorts of things including the higher risks to the child's health of being older and the fact that we are more likely to become ill or die while our children are relatively young. He's right, of course, but nothing can make you feel ready when you aren't.

I feel incredibly lucky that we conceived very quickly (now 5 wks pg) but am acutely aware that I could mc at any time, or the baby might not be healthy. Hopefully I will be better able to deal with whatever comes our way than I would have been in my 20s.

I wish you all the very best with your own journey.