We're trying to get pregnant with #2, after two miscarriages. I'm 36 and have a 3yo DD. I'm just feeling a bit conflicted at the moment. I really want a baby - I really wanted the last two pregnancies to work and was devastated by the last MMC. But trying to conceive this time I'm feeling almost ambivalent about it. When I was TTC with my daughter I was incredibly strict on myself. I have mild PCOS so was really zealous - no caffeine, no alcohol, exercise 3x weekly.
I guess I'm feeling a bit low still after the previous miscarriages, but at the moment I just can't maintain any of that. I'm not drinking a huge amount of caffeine - just a few cups of tea a day to get me going, but even in 2ww, I'll have a beer with dinner every now and again. Never much more than that, but after a long day with a preschooler I do sometimes want to take the edge off. I think part of me doesn't believe the pregnancy is going to happen, so why should I make myself miserable in the meantime, etc, etc.
I know I'm hardly binging, and it's not the sort of thing that would cause much concern even in the early weeks of pregnancy. And I know I'll have no problem stopping drinking once I'm pregnant. But, I guess I'm feeling bad because psychologically it's a bit like I'm less invested, or as if I'm undermining my ability to get pregnant. I think because of the way I rationalised it all the first time. I was so so ready to get pregnant and so worried because of the PCOS that I really felt like I made myself get pregnant through self-discipline. I know that's irrational. But, now I don't feel the same way and part of me thinks - I'm not going to get pregnant and stay pregnant again, and it's my fault. i guess I'm asking - am I being too hard on myself, or not hard enough? Please excuse the crazy hormonal lady.