Wanting a child at 19!

[starfish812]

Me (19) and my partner (24) want to try for a child, BUT, I keep hearing from left, right and centre that I am too young. However, we both feel we can provide for a child, and with my career that I want to pursue, it's never really going to be a "right time". While I am in university, I am on a course which will have a maximum of 14 contact hours a week (currently I only have 4) so I will have more time than other students to complete work, and I will have the support of my partner and my mother who has agreed to help me out with childcare.

As a couple, we could both financially and emotionally support a baby, and we have live together for nearly a year. I chose to live in halls for this year, but we will be getting on the property ladder next year (regardless of a child). I completely understand that it will be demanding and testing, but some mothers 30+ have to work 9-5, 5 days a week when they have children yet they still do a great job at being mothers!

I don't have a desire to travel, it just doesn't appeal to me. And I don't have a desire to go out partying, it just doesn't interest me even being at uni.

Am I being foolish for wanting a child so early? Does anyone have any advice or experience they could share with me?!

I had two when I was young ish (22 & 23) then did a degree and had an accidental baby in between when I was 29
I got married when I was 19. I'm still with the same person 2 decades later (very happily I might add)
I think you have to make decisions made on yourself.we're behind a screen, we don't know you :)

Everyone thought we were nuts tbh. Maybe we are :o

Why make life purposefully more difficult for yourself? You don't need a baby right now, you just want one. There's no rush.

OP?

As someone mentioned, have thought about marriage first to help protect your rights?
You may find you won't want to be relying on others for childcare when the baby is very small. I think you need time to focus on adjusting to being a mum and bonding with your baby, not trying to cram in study between feeds and naps.
There really is no hurry. Nothing wrong with planning on being a young mum if the time is right but it doesn't seem to be for you.

Even an 'easy' pregnancy is hard. I've had a relativly easy ride so far this time (11 weeks in) and I'm exhausted - asleep on sofa by 9.30 and dragging myself around to do the things that need doing (looking after DS and working - and my DH is amazing) I'm lucky in that I don't seem to suffer from morning sickness - at not in terms of actually being sick, but I've been perminantly queasy since not long after I got a positive test, it's only just starting to ease up. And as I say that's a pretty smooth first trimester compared to a lot of people. I don't think I could have 'properly' studied at all for a number of weeks there - it was all I could do to do the basics at work (desk job).

You've got a lot of time, finish uni, but your house, Spend a bit more time just you and DP - it's amazing how much life changes with DC, live a little first.

Hi, this is your decision to make as a couple. It can't be decided in a day or a week it should be well thought about for months. At 19 me and my DH thought we were ready, similar situation to you. We waited and DH kept changing his mind every few months. Finally at 22 married and with our own house we agreed to try. It took us 2 weeks to get pregnant! I'm 14 weeks now and have been exhausted since 6 weeks. I've also had a lot of nausea and sickness just from moving about, nothing to do with smells. You need to think about the actual pregnancy. Pregnancy has a huge toll on the body it's not straight forward. At the moment I can't sleep as I have to turn over every 30 mins with hip pain. Your immune system barely exists and you get extremely gassy! It's not as simple as it seems planning a baby. Anything can happen. Would you be able to cope with attending uni if you miscarried? What about if you find out the baby has a problem, could you cope with that. Could you have all the time off from uni to go to the extra appts. What about if the baby needs extra care when it's born, can you provide that and the costs that go with that? Also have you considered the isolation, your friends will be out partying whilst you're waking up to change a nappy. They won't want to hang out with a mum when they could be out having a good time. Even some people you consider best friends won't bother with you when you get pregnant. Anyway this has been very rambly because I'm too tired. I hope you have a thorough think about this and don't just get annoyed that most people haven't been positive. Most of the comments have been from personal experiences so please take that on board. Remember waiting isn't the end of the world it can give you a chance to see what's round the corner.

UPDATE - 18 months later:

So.. I did get pregnant, and I currently have a beautiful, healthy 8 month old daughter. As a family we are happy and I think it was the best decision for me. Me and DP are still together and have no plans of that changing and our DD has brought more joy into our lives than we could ever imagine. It has been hard work at times, she's not been the greatest sleeper for one, but I wouldn't change it for the world.
I deferred university for the year, purely because I wanted to change my course and spend time with my daughter for her first year. She was born in September, going back to do my second year would just not be an option anyway, especially days after giving birth! Going forward, I am due to start university this September and have a plan in place regarding childcare. I know it will be a struggle, but I firmly believe that I can gain my degree if i remain organised.
Life in general isn't particularly more difficult, just busier!
I'm lucky that I haven't felt isolated since giving birth, all my friends have been more supportive than ever - not one of them has turned their back on me. I know a lot of people suggested that marriage was something that would be ideal before a baby, while it is something we wish for the future it's still not urgent for me or my partner.
I also know a lot of people thought I was foolish for choosing this route however it's working for us and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Looking back, I am not sure why I posted this question, I already knew the answer to it!
Thank you everyone who shared advice with me!

Honestly, I think you'll regret it. The reality of having a baby and the stress it will bring to your lives/relationship is significant, particularly in the early years.

That's not to say it isn't wonderful, it really is, but personally I'm so glad my 20's were care free and self indulgent because once it's gone, it's gone! I look back very fondly on those times and now I'm in my 30's I can really embrace motherhood and the change in lifestyle.

I got pregnant accidentally at 19, start of 2nd year of uni. Total shock, definitely not planned, proper "omg what am I going to do?!" moment. I decided to bury my head in the sand and push through so I did my 2nd year, tutors were immensely supportive, friends were incredible. Gave birth on the last day of 2nd year, finished that year with a 2:1. Had the summer with DD, went back in the September so didn't need to take any time out, did my third year (then DP now DH was full time student at the time too), graduated top of my class with a First. No family nearby able to help, just a shitload of hard work and some luck thrown in for good measure.

I'm a "success story", but would I recommend it? Absolutely not. I wouldn't change a thing but Jesus H, it was so stressful. I considered taking a year out countless times but kept piling on the pressure to prove everyone wrong when they said I'd need to drop out or defer. It was a great experience, opened up plenty of doors for me, I've spoken on radio and TV about my experiences and of course no feeling has ever compared to graduating uni with my 1-year-old daughter in the audience, but it was so hard to push through. Don't make life harder for yourself unnecessarily.

Oh haha I shouldn't have skipped to the end without reading all of the posts or looking at the dates!

Well congratulations OP glad you're happy and hope all works out well for you

Ahh I didn't see this was a zombie thread, but what a lovely reason to revive it! Congratulations OP! :)

Honestly I wouldn't. Finish uni and work for a while before having kids. Live a litre bit more. You'll probably find aswel a lot of people have kids when their older. Do you live with your partner?

Haha - thank you RiseToday & Ovaries!
Msqueen it's too late DD is 8 months already but yes I do live with my partner.

Congratulations OP! I didn't realise this was an old post until I got to your update, I'm over the moon for you.

You clearly knew what you and your partner wanted, went for it and made it work.
People always rush to say you're too young and won't cope etc, but I had a baby at 19 that was planned and my life has improved massively ever since in ways I never could've imagined.

I'm over the moon for you and I wish you and your family well

Hello, I'm also 19, currently TTC (on the dreaded 2ww at the moment), and I'm currently studying a Childhood and Youth undergrad with the OU.

The biggest thing to ask yourself is if you're actually ready, and realise what you're getting yourself into. By 'ready' I mean emotionally: are you ready to put every ounce of energy you have into a small child? And financially, through whatever means are you confident that you can support a child and give them what they need with no financial constraints? In truth, there is no knowing what raising a child will be like. I work with children of all ages at the moment and I still don't know what it will be like because every situation is different and every child is very much unique, with different needs and interests and personality types. But having a set idea of how you can financially and emotionally nurture a child, ensuring that they are well cared for, happy and loved is important. Give yourself time to think about this. Imagine your future in six years potentially with a five year old- can you imagine it? Is it really what you want? There will be challenges you haven't even thought of.

I'm asking you these questions because I asked myself the same questions when I first started putting energy into thinking about this properly. You need to consider every possible scenario- especially as we're so young. Don't listen to the people who say you need your blood family around you but make sure you have some sort of strong support network that works for you and will cater for your child's needs to.

There is nothing wrong with having a child young, when you're studying, when you're only just building up a career. Many people do it, many people have in the past and people will continue to do so in the future, whether or not their child is planned. But you need to be prepared.

My advice is to start drawing out budgets now, to start writing future plans, to start pinpointing how things could go. Of course things could easily change at the drop of the hat but writing down your life plan with a child involved so early is a good way to work out if you really are ready or not. I currently have a Year Plan that is panned up to five years in the future, and I've drawn up a detailed budget to last me until the kid is 5 years old, as well as a rough plan for after 5 years old.

Talk to your friends who already have children, if you do. Ask them to be honest with you. Children are a gift, they are wonderful and it is incredible to watch a small child grow and nurture under your care- and I'm only saying that as a nanny! But they are hard work, they are emotionally and financially draining, they will frustrate you and draw the life out of you, and they will turn to you for e v e r y t h i n g. This is what your friends with children will tell you. Listen to them, take their advice, take what they say on board, give it some more thought and do what's best for you.

Oh wow sorry I just realised this is an old post! I am soooo happy for you, congratulations xxx

I'm pleased that all has worked out well for you. However from all you have said, you are entirely dependent upon your partner for financial security. As you have said that 'marriage' is still on the books PLEASE PLEASE make this a priority. To have a child whilst unmarried AND economically disadvantaged compared with your spouse is a very very silly position to put yourself in. If the delay in getting married is purely down to wanting a big splash, then get down to the registry office as soon as..get legally married for £85 and THEN save for the big 'do' , where you can either have a blessing or renew vows. Meantime you are covered in case of separation or more importantly state provision should the worst happen and one do your dcs parents died. It happens. My db died cycling home from work 31yrs ago. He was 26 and NOT married to the mother of his child. She got nothing. No bereavement benefit , nothing. Not a 'widowed mother' and recognised as such by the government. All she could do was claim income support as an lone parent.
We, his family have helped but as we have also had families to bring up, life has been hard.
Don't waste a moment. Get married and think about the party later. You never know what's round the corner and it's not just you anymore.

Love threads with an update! Congratulations op

When I was at uni a girl in my year has two babies during her time there and didn't defer one was born 3 days after year 2 exams, the second a few weeks after graduation! I was always amazed how she managed but lots of friends helped out. And she got a 2.1 so all possible!

Hats off to you though, I work full time, have a big commute and have been studying for last 3 years for professional qualifications on top of that. Had DS 2yrs ago. It is a struggle at times but not impossible, just important to have supportive partner family and friends to help out so you can study.

Good luck for the future!