HOW DO YOU HANDLE THIS???

[melliek]

Here is my story, I have had three m/c's in a row (no children) and I just had my last d&c on a week ago sat. I want to try again and in my mind will keep trying until we get it right and if that means having more m/c's until then than so be it, thats how much I want to have a child. My DH is basically telling me that he cannot handle going through this again. He wants to get 'fixed' or start to use protection so that I will not get preg. I am in such a state because he already has a child and I feel like this is an excuse so that he doesn't have to have another. I know that it has been a roller coater ride with ups and downs for him but at the same time he is not the that for some reason cannot reproduce. As a woman thats what we were made to do and I cannot , so this really hurts me but he doesnt see this. I just dont know what to do because we have talked, I have told him all of my feelings good and bad but its all the same thing for him. What if I get preg....thats what he keeps saying. How do you deal with this? In my heart I will go through dissapointment over and over as long as I will have a baby but for him he says he's had enough. What do I do??

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melliek, so sorry to hear about your situation. a friend of mine had 3 m/cs in a year and now has a beautiful little girl and her second is on the way in sept, fingers crossed. she had an auto immune condition called anti phospholipid syndrome, which meant she could get but not stay pregnant. have you had investigations? whereabouts do you live?

Melliek - I can totally understand your yearning to have a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby at the end of it.

I think your DP is having serious difficulty in dealing the miscarriages and also in coping with the pain it's causing you. He is using the bury your head in the sand technique... if you don't get pregnant again, then you won't miscarry.... therefore no more heartache. He can't understand that your longing for a baby is causing you just as much heartache.

Have you had any insight yet into what is causing these miscarriages?

Don't be too harsh on him, in a roundabout way he is desperately trying to think of ways to 'solve' the problem in the only way he knows how to.

Well, we haven't started testing yet. I'm in Canada and where I live they wont test until 3 consecutive m/c's. I don't have a doc so I am hoping the one that looked after me in the er will take me on. I do hope its something as simple as not having enough hormones to support the preg and not chromosonal. The fetus always dies around 7 weeks, this time I say the hrtbeat at 6 & 7 weeks but then two days later it stopped so there is something wrong. I just want my DH to be more supportive and be with me on this but I really feel that he is more on the outside looking in rather than holding my hand consoaling me.

It definitely sounds like there may be a medical problem. Hopefully it's one that is easily diagnosed and treated. I don't know how it works in Canada, but isn't there a specialised clinic you could go to or at least find out information from? How come you don't have a Doctor?

Unfortunately (and forgive me for generalising here) men tend to be a bit cr*p at 'being there' for you. They try to be SO practical and rational when they really should just stop and listen to what you need from them. It is his way of dealing with hurt.... he's turning his back on it and hoping it goes away when you know that you need to keep facing this problem head on until you get answers.

I really hope you get those answers sooner rather than later. Keep pushing for appointments and tests. Fingers crossed.

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Melliek, so sorry you have even more to deal with now. Can you reassure dh that you will get medical advice / testing done so you can find out if there is a problem? If you can fix whatever the problem is, then you have an excellent chance of having a normal healthy pregnancy. your last loss is still very recent, perhaps time will help him to feel more positive.