I was here a few years ago under a different nn, thinking I was never going to be a mum. I eventually conceived my DS after two years, weeks before we were due to speak to the fertility specialist about next options. I remember thinking (and even as an atheist, praying) that if only I could have one child, everything would be okay.
And it is, in most ways. He's thriving and just the joy of my life. I feel greedy, terrible for even wanting another (mad, I know, but I'd told myself that I could stop there). I used to even get a bit annoyed at TTC#2 threads like this one, thinking 'but you have a child!' 
I think my whole outlook on this has just been totally skewed.
I understand now and I feel awful. I had a mc about four weeks ago, we weren't 'trying', but we weren't doing anything to prevent pregnancy either. I genuinely didn't expect anything other than more years of heartache if we decided on a second - somehow as if I'm incapable of conceiving without going through the ringer. Like I haven't earned it. Seeing the second bfp was a rush of adrenaline but it also brought back so much pain from the disappointments the first time, and while I'm coping okay with the mc (as if I knew it couldn't be that simple), I feel like I'm back where I was, pissing on all the different sticks, wiping mucus off my fingers and it's only been four sodding weeks.
This way lies madness and I don't know how to stop. I need to be present for my son (and I do apologise to anyone who is TTC#1 and wants to throttle me, I totally get it). The irony is that I know DS was conceived on the one month I wasn't measuring, we were waiting for next steps from the clinic and I decided to just stop. So even logically this is just wasted energy. Someone, please, tell me how to feel okay about trying without making it like this? How do I just stop?
Thanks for reading if you got this far. I know I need to get a grip. 