Big age gap

[golds]

looking for some mainly positive stories of encouragement, but also need a reality check.

Some of you may remember, that 18 months ago I lost my 3rd child to ectopic. I brushed this aside and felt that in the end it was for the best and how we would be just fine with the 2 children we have got, every so often the need for a 3rd rears itself again, but then I manage to supress my feelings with, if I have another one, it will upset everything, no holidays, no life etc etc.

Well its got to a point now that I'm feeling down quite often and keep thinking about the one I'd lost. I would have been celebrating its 1st birthday soon.

I just don't know whether to give myself a strong talk and say get over it, or go for it again. My dd is 9 next week and my ds is 6.5, we have a nice home now, they have a bedroom each and I have started to work and earn my own money (see I'm trying to talk myself out of it again) but I am feeling very sad today and just want another child, I feel so empty.

Dh wants another, but I am just so scared, can I take the risk. I have no family support for the 'for' side of things only the 'againsts' but hey, its not they lives is it.

So, if there are any positive stories out there, including a child after ectopic, age gaps etc., please share them with me, I know I am dithering, but words of encouragement or not, will help as I can't really talk to anyone in RL about this

I have a nearly 13 yr old from previous relationship
There is gap of 9 yrs between ds and his sister who just turned 4.
It was brilliant and still is - he can cook dd's dinner, bath her, get her ready for nursery, entertain her, even go to her in the night and do the early morning shifts
I'm also pregnant again after a ruptured ectopic 2 yrs ago - I lost a tube.
I was desperate for a 3rd child though, and it was hard work conceiving this one.
If you are not up for it, then don't do it for someone else.
Age is relative too I'm 36 I'm not sure how much longer I'd have persevered for though.

Golds - sorry to hear about the ectopic (hug) and I don't really know anything about trying again after that.
I just want to say is that if both you and your DH would like another, then go for it. There is a biggish gap between me and my bro (5.5 years) as my mum lost one in between. I don't think the gap caused her any problems, in fact she has said that I was more helpful when DB was born than if I had been 3or4, so it can have positives!! There is no right or wrong gap is there??

You can always work again in the future, but you might sit back in 10 years time and think, if only I had taken the chance for a third?? If you think that is likely then I would just go for it. What will be will be.

Sorry if my words have not helped. But I am sure that there will be ladies along who most definitely will inspire you!

Hi Golds,
I have no experience of ectopic pregnancies, but I do have an age gap of 5.5 years between my dc.

I have no family support as both dh's family and my own family live in the north of Scotland whereas we live in the south of England. Instead a have a good circle of friends with children in both age brackets of my dd (8) and my ds (3 in December).

I found the age gap worked for me as dd was at school when I had ds and wasn't so reliant on me. I also make sure I have lots of one to one time with her on my own at the weekends - clothes shopping etc (her no1 love!). My dh also takes her swimming etc whilst ds is sleeping.

The downside is the sleepless nights again, although ds slept through from 12 weeks so we were lucky. You can't always do things as a family because you have to cosider naps etc.

But my two generally do get on well together and my dd loves to mother my ds - although he is not so keen on that!

I would so go for it, if it was me then I would.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Hi Golds,

I come from a family of big age gaps -

There is 9 and 10 years between myself and my siblings
There is 5 and 7 years between dh and his siblings
I have a 5.5 year age gap between my two
My SIL has 5 and 7 years between her two eldest and her youngest.

I have to say in all cases it has been brilliant, especially with my two. Dd is 6.5 and ds is nearly 1 and she is so helpful and loves being able to be more invloved with ds.

I wouldn't worry about age gaps being a problem as I find they nearly always work out for the best - good luck and fingers crossed for you!

thanks for the replies, I know in my heart of hearts that I do want another, but find it difficult to make the decision.

When I lost the other one, my dd and ds were both very upset (shouldn't have told them) I was very poorly and I too lost a tube.

I am 35, and feel that if I don't have another, it will be my biggest regret, as when I look to the future, there are 3 children not 2. I'm just worried about upsetting the balance in the home. I really could scream at myself at times for being so indecisive. aarrrhhh

Thanks again for your replies

My brother and I are 12 years apart and I can't imagine being closer to anyone. We talk on the phone several times a week.

I have no experience of ectopic, but I would say this decision is really up to you and your dh. Forget the family. Besides, they probably mean well, as far as not wanting to see you go through something potentially hurtful again. It's just not coming through in the right way. I'll bet if you did get pg again they would be wonderful.

just wanted to say, for what its worth, that there is a big age gap between my brother and i (8yrs) and i have always loved it and we have always got on really well. go for it, otherwise you will always be wondering what if.......

Hi Golds,my ds is 8, dd is 6 and no.3 ds is 10months old. Felt very lost when dd started fulltime school and debated for months whether to have another one. DH wasn't keen as was very happy that we had one of each, own bedrooms etc etc. Anyway, decided to go ahead and try for no.3 and within a month was pregnant!! Am obviously extremely glad he came along but do find myself looking forward to when he's a bit older as am finding school runs/homework etc hard with a baby. He is sleeping in our room at present but will be sharing with ds1 when he's old enough to sleep in a bed. One plus point which is keeping me sane is that in 7yrs time, ds1 and dd will be old enough to babysit ds2!!!

no experience of ectopics, for you (hug)

i have 6 years between my two...die to seriously bad PND>..never thought i'd be well enough to have another baby...but i got through it and it's worked out great having a big gap for me,....

while DS is at school, i spend quality time with DD, then have the evning time with DS when DD in bed,,,,,esp.at weekends when he stays up late....

and DS was keen to help with DD and dotes on her...

hope everything goes well for you.....

there wil always be support here for you...xx

lulumama - you sound lovely!

My dd is just 8 and ds is 15 months. The age gap is great as they both dote on each other so much, i am not sure they would be as close if they didnt have that gap as dd is mature enough to appreciate all the good things about ds and to deal with his more annoying moments! I had an ectopic a year before getting pregs with ds and also lost a tube but my beautiful ds is living proof that its possible and for me it was pretty easy too. Hope this helps you.

ta!

just realise i made a terrible typo..said 'die' not 'due' to PND!

also came back to add that if you do have that yearning for a 3rd baby....you should not try to supress it.... you need to look at it and really decide...will i be happier trying and hopefully having another baby and no holidays/ money/ life etc...or have those things and no baby

i knew if i never had another child, i would be depressed, as i had that desperate yearning...and ther was a chance i would be depressed if i did have another....but it was a chance worth taking, IMHO

HTH!

All your comments are extremely helpful, many thanks

Well I have taken the first step and that is to seek medical guidance, I have booked a appointment to see my doctor (4 Dec), I know she really can't tell me what outcome I may have, but I do want to talk through with her the risks and what medical support I may be offered. Presumably as soon as I get PG (hopefully) they will monitor me so even if I have another ectopic they will catch it sooner and minimise the trauma.

I am more aware now too, so I won't be so stupid like I was last time and ignore dangerous symptoms, I really convinced myself there was nothing wrong and the pain would go away (stupid !!!).

Then I think I will go for it, I may not get PG but at least I would have tried, then if not I can finally put it to rest and move on.

Thanks for all your comments, mn helped me shortly after my Ep and continues to do so even now, to be able to thrash something out with people who have similar experiences really helps, especially when people in RL have heard it 1 million times, are now bored with it and have no experience of it. Thank you

Keep you posted

A friend in work has three children DS1 is 24 DS2 is 14 and DD1 is 4. Ten years between each. It seems to work alright.

Have only read your OP but I have a 9yo ds and a dd who is nearly 3, so he was 6 when she was born. IT was hard going back to sleepless nights but other than that the age gap is lovely, they're really wonderful with each other (although they have different fathers in my case)

This is a very old post but @golds….. did you ever have your third?? How did things work out? x