New to MN - Tokophobia/TTC support needed please! :)

[MrsTattoo]

Hi ladies (and any gents lurking)

Apologies for a long post in advance and being vague (don't want to be identified)
New to MN so please go gentle with me

Has anyone here severe Tokophobia? Not just the pain/birth side of things but the whole being pregnant, body changing, baby moving inside you fear etc? (Hope that makes sense!)

I have very severe Tokophobia since a child and can't even look at a bump without feeling sick, I was once forced to touch a bump when I was 16 and my reaction was so severe I vomited instantly.
I have spent years fighting to be sterilised and was booked to see a consultant, when I got there I had a hugeeee panic attack and had to leave as the waiting room (in the baby ward of all places, suprise suprise) was full of pregnant women. I had a full on break down with tears and gagging etc etc before running out.
I have always been open with DH who understands the situation and was happy to go with adoption when we were ready.

However last month we had a pregnancy scare (AF approx 30+days late, lots of symptoms). POAS regular and had GP app too.
While thinking that we were 'in a mess' things were discussed (don't want to detail too much in public) and I agreed to keep if I was dispite being terrified beyond belief!
AF came on the 2/05 and since we have been unprotected - so I guess TTC! - I am so scared. I have been researching so so much about elective c sections as that really is the ONLY option for me to do this.

I'm rambling now and not sure what my point is exactly. I'm just scared and tear up everytime I think about it, any Tokophobes that can calm my fears? I'm so scared of every aspect of this. DH understands but can't fully understand and support being of the opposite sex! I haven't told anyone IRL incase I change my mind etc so just hoping for some female encouragement/wise words!

Apologies again for the rambling but evening typing about it raises my anxiety levels

Thanks in advance!

*excuse the spelling mistakes - I'm tired on a nightshift :)

Your maternity hospital may have a clinical psychology team who deal with tokophobia but you may not be able to access their service until you are pregnant.

Maybe phone them to see?

You obviously need some form of therapy so try to seek that out ASAP.

There is a birth trauma website that has info about tokophobia.

It is best to narrow down exactly what aspects of it you are most scared of eg needles/pain/lack of control/tears/death etc.

Thanks for the info Anthena :)

I will phone the maternity hospital closest to me on Tuesday - or might be brave and go in there - and find out some info.

I am honestly terrified of everything, knowing theres something growing inside me, bumps, the idea of baby moving inside, vaginal birth/tearing/bleeding etc, complications with babies health, the aches and pains if pregnancy, c sections scare me too but I think I could cope better with one than I expect. Then theres all the stuff after birth like 'am I going to be a crap mum', what if I don't bond, breastfeeding, paranoid of being divorced by DH to be a single mum etc etc I know it's so irrational and stupid sounding

I have had a spinal issue since I was preteen and suffer alot of backpain and other issues because of it, so am worried about spinal blocks etc and would never have anything near my spine anyway but overthink everything and imagine being forced to have one or choosing one and then having it cause issues after (paralysis etc )

I wish I was a 'normal' baby mad, maternal woman instead of a crying panicked wreck at every turn.